” People who can’t control themselves control the people around them.”
Dr. David Schnarch
I used to joke about having “control issues.” I was aware that I was a perfectionist in some areas and I liked things to look a particular way. To me, my strong opinions were a good thing, it showed that I knew my own mind. I was often free with “helpful” advice. And if certain people didn’t see the wisdom of my important ideas it was probably going to be a long night.
I couldn’t see it at the time but my need for control
was hurting important relationships at work and at home.
Controlling people don’t set out to be difficult. They just haven’t found a more effective way to control their rampant emotions or to feel more secure in the world.
To some degree, all of us use control tactics to get what we want in life. But for out of control controllers, getting what they want requires a boatload of specific, exhausting demands.
Most “controllers” seem to be looking for a positive sense of themselves in the ones they try to control. For some, controlling gives a temporary boost to low self-esteem. Most controllers lived under controlling parents or experienced traumatic events that they’ve never fully acknowledged or healed from. Out of fear or anxiety, controlling people cajole others to make things go their way because that makes them feel temporarily okay.
But, if left unchecked and uninvestigated, those who crave control can turn into tyrant leaders, parents, spouses, and friends.
Here are some telling indicators that you or someone you know may need to address some control issues:
1) They don’t listen well— they are laser focused on protecting their agenda.
2) They may initially seem charming. Out of self-protection, they learned to be attuned to others. Some may resort to flattery to get their way.
3) They regularly give unsolicited advice. “Constructive criticism” or “helping” may be a veiled attempt to get others to come around to their thinking.
4) They are not good at handling delays or uncertainty.
5) They make other people responsible for how they feel. They expect others to be mind-readers.
6) They may tell others they should feel “lucky” to be in a relationship with them.
7) They insist people must follow their advice. And they check back to see if it has been heeded. They make up their own (often rigid) rules and require others to follow them. They micro manage people.
8) They are always right and have extreme difficulty admitting wrong. Blame is their game. Nothing is ever their fault.
9) They get angry, quickly, especially if you disagree with them. They cannot accept the word “no.”
10) They don’t allow others to be themselves or allow them to have their own opinions. They may attempt to define others reality for them ( “You are not hot, cold, tired, etc. Or “You are hungry.” ) They seek to change people more to their liking.
11) They often feel bad. When mulling over hurts or injustices they might manipulate others into feeling for them to get their way.
12) They need a good deal of attention and affirmation.
13) They may use threatening speech or bullying to pressure people or affect situations. If words fail to bring about the desired effect, they may get physical.
14) They don’t like to be questioned. That might indicate something is wrong with them.
15) They may whine, pout or guilt people into doing what they want.
16) They may shame, criticize or belittle others in order to feel superior.
17) They cannot see they have a controlling problem.
A person may be persuasive without being controlling. A persuasive person is good at making their point while still allowing others the freedom to hold their own opinion.
Learning to accept and surrender to what is happening whether we like it or not, to release fear and get healing for past wounds as well as learning healthy emotional control and seeing that the needs of others are just as valuable is a pathway to freedom from controlling.
Because controllers are so highly defended it may take a person they deeply respect or a pastoral or professional counselor to help them see the damage their behaviors are having on their work and personal relationships. Unfortunately, it often takes a cataclysmic event to wake them into a healthier way to be with themselves and others.
If you fear the overbearing control of someone in your life, we encourage you to get with a coach or counselor who can teach you healthy responses that will allow you to set the boundaries you need to successfully assert and represent yourself and your desires.
We’re here to help you learn better ways to set healthy boundaries or relax control of your life. Contact us: [email protected] or [email protected]
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Powerful words for sure. Thank you once again. ?