We feel stressed, most often, by our need to control our circumstances, not by circumstances getting beyond our control.
For much of my life, I believed my work, my kids, the traffic, my calendar, my husband, my relatives, my neighbors, my house, or my friends caused most of the stress I carried. I thought pressure and strain were normal especially if you were out to champion eternal causes, make a decent living, raise amazing children and try to do some good in the world. Stress just comes with the territory.
Then I began learning some little-known secrets that led me to a new level of calm.
They have nothing to do with time management, positive affirmations, meditation, breathing techniques or even prayer as helpful as all those can be to reduce tension.
The truth was, much of the time, I was stressing myself out.
I was creating the conditions that contributed to my own exhaustion. I had become my own little stress-making machine.
And there’s a high probability you do this, too.
Here’s what I learned about three kinds of hidden stress:
1) Shame based stress
We create this kind of stress when our ego has a strong need to be well thought of or to feel the approval of certain important people in our lives. In the case of speakers, politicians, and artists of every kind that could include needing some admiration from the entire world -which takes a big hunk of energy to pull off.
We might need to be known in a successful light, as a real mover and shaker, so we create projects and initiatives to cause people to go “hey look at him/her/them!” We stress ourselves out because of our need to be noticed.
We might say it’s our “calling” to do such and such so it’s easy to put the blame “out there,” even on God, if we over do it or ask too much of ourselves and others.
We might be an overly helpful person or we fight for situations that keep us in the spotlight. Sometimes we deny ourselves the rest we need in order to prove ourselves to our boss or a special friend or family member.
We may have a hard time telling people no so we stress ourselves out by saying yes too much. We feel dejected at the failure of something we’ve worked hard on so we “try even harder” to look good.
At our core, those of us with shame based stress often feel WE ARE NOT ENOUGH, on some level just not good enough, and subconsciously we try to make up for our “lack,” or cover our secret shame by doing whatever it takes to appear super successful, talented, beautiful, smart, loving or helpful.
We act in whatever way necessary to prove to people and to ourselves that we are really ok. In an unhealthy state, we stress ourselves out trying to look good to others.
2) Fear based stress
We create this stress when we fear WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH, and we need more of something in order to feel safe.
The operative word with this stress is more.
This could mean we work harder than others to acquire MORE money. But no matter how much we have it never feels like we have enough stashed for emergencies or retirement.
We might stay in school longer than most to gain more and more education because we can never have enough knowledge to do our job well.
We might collect more “toys” or any number of other material possessions– at times, there can be an almost addictive, stressful pattern of acquiring. Maybe there’s an obsessive hobby.
It it could be more travel, “adventure” or escapes might be our agenda all in hopes of avoiding unhappy feelings or burdensome situations. You get stressed or depressed if these getaways aren’t happening.
Sometimes we feel an insatiable, anxious need to make and keep a large assortment of friends.
When we’re living with fear-based stress there is always some kind of anxiety of not having enough of something. And, in an effort to feel safer, more secure in the world we stress ourselves out trying to obtain it.
3) Guilt based stress
This stress creates a lot of critical self-talk like ” I’m behind before I’ve even started.” It’s about living from an internal, pre-recorded “script” that says, ” better not waste time” ” you are what you do” or it tries to disprove a negative comment someone once said, like, “you’ll never amount to anything.”
So, we’ll show them! And in the process, we might visit the emergency room with chest pains every year because we’re trapped in guilt based stress.
We may feel deeply about so much injustice in the world that we super identify with our cause and end up sacrificing the health of key relationships. Guilt based stress comes from the notion we picked up somewhere in childhood that WE HAVE NOT DONE ENOUGH.
Always there’s a little voice inside us reminding us, just in case we’ve forgotten that there is so much more to fix and make right in the world, no time to waste.
So, what’s stressing you out?
Is it really someone else or something else causing you all this tension and pain?
Or are you creating many of your own headaches?
We all have issues with each of these three stressors at different times. But, usually, there is one that hits us below the belt and does most of the stressing, one primary script that keeps us desperate, anxious or burned out.
Take a few minutes to reflect on your own stressful tendencies and what they are really producing in your life.
- Which stress path do you most identify with?
1) Shame 2) Fear 3) Guilt? How does this most often show up in your life?
- Who are you most often trying to impress? Who are you competing against?
- What are you most often afraid of losing or needing more of?
- How is your drive to get stuff done, to be perfect or challenging affecting your most important relationships?
- Who or what else have you been blaming for your stressful condition?
Sit a few minutes in silence and notice where your body feels stress and, without judging yourself, inquire where that tension might originate from. How has your body tried to signal you about the stress you carry?
Learning how and where I was generating my own stressful tendencies was a life-defining game changer for me. By questioning my thoughts and actions and observing my inner critic I’m more able to see how I’m making my life more difficult than necessary for myself and others.
Let us help you gain more personal freedom, fulfillment, and relief from your own self-sabotage. We’ve got some great tools that can make all the difference.
Email us for a consultation at [email protected] or [email protected].
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