Most married people employ “strategies” for getting their spouse to do what they want them to do, whether they are aware of them or not. Often these are losing strategies that don’t bring us the kind of satisfaction we really want.
Here are five winning strategies we’ve found healthy couples use to boost the closeness in their relationship.
- Value the relationship more than your opinion-Whenever we need to be right our spouse has to be wrong. Making our partner out to be wrong, even if it’s only about who’s turn it is to take out the trash, is a recipe for a disconnect. It’s a losing strategy. Arguing our point only puts our spouse on the defensive.
We can state how we feel about something without driving our correct opinion in the ground. Everyone sees their point of view perfectly. Don’t make a big deal out of your spouse needing to agree with your perspective on anything. There is room for both views in a healthy relationship. Our marriage wins when we don’t have to.
We can be right or we can be married.
- Letting go of control – Often the habit of controlling our spouse is born out of some type of fear. We’re afraid if we don’t tell our spouse how to drive they’ll wreck the car and send everyone to the hospital. We’re fearful if we don’t tell them what to say they might embarrass us. Nagging, criticizing, and demanding are all forms of control.
Sometimes our need to direct our spouse comes from believing our way of doing things is the best. But who says our way is right? Children need direction. Our spouse doesn’t need another parent. We want to dress, eat, drive, speak, etc, in the ways we choose. Our spouse should get the same freedom.
The happiest couples are able to let their spouses do life without constantly telling them how or what should be done.
- Healthy internal boundaries– Some of us can get quickly and intensely triggered and blast our spouse with a torrent of heated emotions. We can get loud and say a string of things that destroy communion and closeness. Building a healthy “container” for our emotions is key. Our spouse won’t benefit from hearing EVERY thing we think and feel in an intense moment.
Put-downs, name-calling, verbal abuse or emotional outbursts are destructive to the intimacy you most desire. Getting some time with a counselor could be helpful. Grow some emotional boundaries. Know when and how to stop the flood of your emotions.
Healthy marriage partners learn how to express their needs and feelings in ways that won’t destroy the connection.
- Forgiveness over payback– If anyone had the right to get back at those who wounded and offended him, it was Jesus. Yet, when he got the chance to even the score he never spoke of the offenses. This is a high bar but it’s the direction we want to go when our spouse says or does something hurtful. It’s not easy. But retaliation never evens the playing field, it only destroys it.
Making our spouse pay for hurting us is a human reaction but not a smart one. An eye for an eye makes two people blind. Healthy marriages find a way to express their hurt without resorting to hurting back. They dethrone their retaliating egos and treat their spouses the way they would want to be treated.
- Moving in instead of away- Walking out of the room, leaving the house, sleeping on the couch, shutting down the conversation or refusing to talk about something are all types of unhealthy withdrawal. Withholding from our spouse is never going to get us what we really want in the relationship.
Sometimes spouses withdraw when the conversation or argument gets too intense. Without realizing it they may feel emotionally flooded. Learning why this happens is vital to a couples’ ability to overcome someone shutting down.
Healthy couples move toward one another instead of away when things feel hard. Staying in connection becomes more important to them than taking up a defensive position.
At one time or other, David and I have both participated in all of the losing strategies mentioned here. More often than not now, we’re focused on these and other winning strategies that give us the ability to move more quickly through our differences and maintain the kind of harmony we both want in our relationship.
What would it be like for you and your spouse to talk over the above list and identify at least one way you could shift the way you do relationship? Which of these winning strategies could you start to employ right now to boost the connection and intimacy in your marriage?
For more on marriage… CLICK on below to listen to two of our recent podcasts
Podcast episode 63- Four Easy Practices To Energize Your Marriage.
Podcast episode 64- More Practices To Energize Your Marriage
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