My husband, David, has always been a strong, confident guy who didn’t get easily rattled when things went wrong or difficulties popped up. He was good at tackling huge, complicated situations and moving on.

But, this was not always the case when certain challenges surfaced between us.

I didn’t realize, that just because a guy responds well to huge vocational obstacles he may not process relational ones with the same ease.

There were many times my reactivity or sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all his thoughts and feelings. Certain subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me peace was his holy grail.

What I learned (the hard way) is that if we want deep enjoyment and satisfaction in our most significant relationships we need

one important thing.

Without this key, we stay blocked and isolated from those we most want connection with.

But, once we possess this key enormous freedom, intimacy and oneness are thrown open to us.

Probably, THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT we can give to those closest to us is

emotional safety.

No matter how tough we seem on the outside, our souls are fragile. And without a safe, secure, relational environment we keep ourselves defended from whatever or whomever we sense may trample our sense of internal security.

Here are three actions we sometimes take to protect ourselves from others when we feel emotional stress:

1) We isolate, walk away, clam up or distance ourselves.

2) We dislike feeling alone or rejected so we pursue others even more intensely.

3) We do a confused combination of both pursuing others and then distancing ourselves when we fear they are getting too close.

Another way to put it: when we sense conflict many of us subconsciously choose one of these three tactics:

* We move toward others (to pursue them)

* We move against others (to fight them)

* We move away from others (to flee them)

SO–DO THIS~

If you find yourself experiencing friction in an important relationship here are some questions to ask each other that may help you discern if some of the struggle you feel is generated from one or both of you feeling “unsafe.”

1) How emotionally safe do you feel in this relationship? (on a scale of 1-10)

2) Are certain subjects off-limits ? Yes/ No — if yes, is that because:

A) you don’t want to stir up trouble with this person or

B) you feel uncomfortable with the anxiety that topic creates for you?

3) Do you feel safe to discuss any subject in this relationship?

4) Do you feel safe to share your deepest feelings & needs with this person?

5) Do you feel safe enough to share even your most negative emotions?

6) Can you be truly honest with this person?

7) Are you able to honestly and effectively communicate areas of disagreement and conflict without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal?

Emotional safety is #1 THE key to relational intimacy and happiness.

If the most significant person in your life is not always the one you feel SAFEST to share most of your thoughts and feelings with —this should be a serious concern.

There are good reasons why you may not feel safe or why your relationship feels stuck in certain areas of dissatisfaction. And, there are good reasons the other person responds the way they do when they sense tension between you.

Healthy relationships offer enough secure emotional space

for us to be open and vulnerable with

our hurts, confusion, hopes and stresses

without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal.

And we ALL need a little help to truly see

our own unhealthy patterns of living and relating.

We know what it’s like to not always feel totally safe in your most important relationship. AND, we know it is possible to totally turn that around to experience incredible joy, freedom and intimacy.

David and I speak more about this principle  in our new book, Nothing to Prove, which is coming out in softcover in just a few weeks.

To learn more about Nothing to Prove or to sign-up to reserve your copy once it’s available, please Click here: NothingToProveBook.com

If you’d like more information on how we can help you create a safer, happier and healthier relational environment feel free to contact us :

[email protected] or [email protected]

or

* CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

* SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK 

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