LTP 26- Mastering Marriage Pt 1: The Comfort Clue

In this podcast Episode, David & Caron Loveless discuss one of the ways to Master Marriage through The Comfort Clue.

Because having a mutually satisfying and long-term marriage seems to remain such a mystery for most people, we thought this month that we’d pull back a part of that mystery curtain.  Some things that used to be a mystery to us, have gotten clearer than ever… which has resulted in an even more glorious marriage than ever.

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One of the many things we’ve seen is this: The degree to which we were comforted in childhood directly relates to our ability and capacity to experience emotional closeness and resolve conflict in relationships… particularly marriage.

Listen to the Audio

Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

In the next several episodes we are going to be talking about how we can boost intimacy and connection in marriage.

#1 Way to Grow Emotional Intimacy




My husband, David, has always been a strong, confident guy who didn’t get easily rattled when things went wrong or difficulties popped up. He was good at tackling huge, complicated situations and moving on.

But, this was not always the case when certain challenges surfaced between us.

I didn’t realize, that just because a guy responds well to huge vocational obstacles he may not process relational ones with the same ease.

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There were many times my reactivity or sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all his thoughts and feelings. Certain subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me peace was his holy grail.

What I learned (the hard way) is that if we want deep enjoyment and satisfaction in our most significant relationships we need

one important thing.

Nothing to Prove: Chapter 2: What We Know Now

The following is an excerpt from our new ebook that is available beginning today.  This book is a a very candid, behind the scenes look, at the journey of transformation that we’ve been on the last several years, and the things we’ve learned that can help change your life as well.

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Chapter 2:  What We Know Now

 

You can never be other than who you are

until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are.

David Benner

You don’t have to experience a tragedy like ours, or any other failure with a thousand different names, in order to identify the real root of your own internal issues. We hope it won’t come to that. Our purpose in writing this book is to help you avoid some of the ditches in your future if at all possible. Unfortunately, for many of us it often does take a serious trial, illness or loss to break us open enough to see parts of our life that aren’t working so well.

LTP 9- How to Make a Resilient Marriage (with guest Dr. Judy Johnson)

Why do so many marriages start with such high aspirations and then often turn toxic over the years? Dr. Judy Johnson introduces us to the 4 Horsemen that can end a marriage.

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Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

The story of how Dr. Johnson became engaged in marital therapy.

Why do people who know the truth of God, the scriptures, and themselves, are still not able to fully live into every part of that truth?

  • Lack of maturity.  Many don’t know how to put away thoughts and emotions from the past that reflect who they are as new people in Christ.
  • Confusion.  People get stuck when they don’t fully understand the roots of their confusion.
  • Lack of understanding of self. 95% of all behavior is automatic.  We literally don’t even think about our auto-pilot reactions each day and where they actually come from.

How to Be a Better Lover

Most people I know want to be better lovers.

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There are a ton of books out there on how to get the love you want, how attract the love of your life and be ecstatically happy with your soulmate forever.  Nothing wrong with getting the love you want or even looking for someone to love you.

But, true love is a gift that’s bursting to be given. That’s what love does.

And, whether we want to give someone 1,000 dollars or one selfless act of kindness we’ve got to possess that thing before we can give it away.

The Most Common Cause of Conflict In Love Relationships

IMG_6134My husband, David, and I have a ton of things in common. We both like sports. We both enjoy being in nature, hiking or biking or just reading together at the beach or by a lake. We both love challenging conversation around big ideas. We appreciate just about every genre of music. We are both first-born, natural leaders.

And our mutual passion for God and personal spiritual growth was one of the first things that attracted us to each other as college students.

For all the rich goodness in our relationship we also had

a couple of reoccurring relational snags that kept tripping us up. 

These glitches distracted us from what we agree is a rare and remarkable love. And, sometimes, those rough patches blinded us from seeing the best in each other and our relationship.

What was going on? 

The #1 Key To Relational Intimacy

My husband, David, has always been a strong, confident guy who didn’t get easily rattled when things went wrong or difficulties popped up. He was good at tackling huge circumstances and moving on.

But, this was not always the case when certain challenges surfaced between us.

I didn’t realize, that just because a guy responds well to huge vocational obstacles he may not process relational ones with the same ease.

There were many times my reactivity and sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all of his thoughts and feelings. Certain subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me, in David’s case, peace was the holy grail.

If our desire is to experience deep enjoyment and satisfaction in

our most significant relationships we need

one important thing.

Without this key, we stay locked and isolated from those we most want connection with.

But, once we possess this key enormous freedom, intimacy and oneness are open to us.

Probably, THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT we can give to those closest to us is

emotional safety.

No matter how tough we seem on the outside, our souls are fragile. And without a safe, secure, relational environment we keep ourselves defended from whatever or whomever we sense may trample our sense of internal security.

Here are actions we sometimes take to protect ourselves from others when we feel emotional stress:

1) We isolate, walk away, clam up or distance ourselves.

2) We dislike feeling alone or rejected so we pursue others even more intensely.

3) We do a confused combination of both pursuing others and then distancing ourselves when we fear they are getting too close.

So, when we sense relational instability or conflict many of us subconsciously choose

one of these three tactics:  

* We move toward others (to pursue them)

* We move against others (to fight them)

* We move away from others (to flee them)

If you find yourself experiencing friction in an important relationship here are some questions to ask each other that may help you discern if some of the struggle you feel is generated from one or both of you feeling “unsafe.”

 

1) How emotionally safe do you feel in this relationship? (on a scale of 1-10)

2) Are certain subjects off-limits to talk about, either, because

     A) you don’t want to stir up trouble with this person or

     B) you feel uncomfortable with the anxiety that topic creates for you?

3) Do you feel safe to discuss any subject in this relationship?

4) Do you feel safe to share your deepest feelings & needs with this person?

5) Do you feel safe enough to share even your most negative emotions?

6) Can you be truly honest with this person?

7) Are you able to honestly and effectively communicate areas of disagreement and conflict without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal?

Emotional safety is #1 THE key to relational intimacy and happiness.

But, if the most significant person in your life is not always the one you feel SAFEST to share all your thoughts and feelings with —this should be a serious concern.

There are good reasons why you may not feel safe or why your relationship feels stuck in certain areas of dissatisfaction. And, there are good reasons the other person responds the way they do when they sense tension between you.

Healthy relationships offer enough secure emotional space

for us to be open and vulnerable with our hurts, confusion, hopes and stresses

without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal.

And we ALL need a little help to truly see

our own unhealthy patterns of living and relating.

We know what it’s like to not always feel totally safe in your most important relationship. AND, we know it is totally possible to turn that around to experience incredible joy, freedom and intimacy. 

If you’d like more information on how we can help you create a safer relational environment

You can reach me at caron@youlivetrue.com

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

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