Almost every day we coach leadership couples who are just like we were. They really want a great marriage, they work hard at making it the best they can but something mysterious and unforeseen keeps tripping them up. They think the mystery lies somewhere in their spouse. And they feel disconnected and discouraged after all their attempts to fix the problem.
But, we can’t fix what we can’t see.
So, what’s going on?
We believe, in many cases, the answer lies in our failure to understand the profound impact our individual “attachment styles” are having in our relationship.
Right now, we’re so big on this we want to corral every couple on the planet and give them access to this vital, game-changing insight.
IN THE PAST WE’VE BEEN TOLD: a happy marriage is all about understanding the different needs of men and women- or an unhappy marriage is a “failure to communicate” or it all boils down to the way we love and respect each other.
Those do have a part to play in relationships —
but we don’t think they play the lead role.
We believe the solution is even more fundamental, more primal and without it, we can attend all the marriage classes and conferences we want, but if they don’t address THIS ONE ISSUE most marriages will stay stuck in disillusionment.
Identifying the attachment styles operating in your marriage
and learning how to accept and grow through them
is the most significant way to improve
the long-term health and happiness of your relationship.
Originally, attachment style was thought only to be significant in the way infants bond with their caregivers. But groundbreaking research by Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver indicates that adults show patterns of attachment in their love partnerships similar to the patterns children develop with their parents somewhere between birth and 18-24moths.
Adult Attachment Theory says there are at least three (*some divide it into four) predetermined ways we:
1) engage in conflict
2) experience connection in romantic relationships.
How we “attach” ( or don’t) in our marriage affects a whole host of issues like:
– our view of what togetherness looks and feels like
-the way we deal with conflict
-our attitude toward sex
-our ability to communicate our needs and wants
-our expectations for our partner and our relationship
Different streams of attachment theorists give various names to help identify each attachment style- but, to keep it simple, we break them into these 4 categories:
1) Anchored
2) Anxious
3) Avoidant
4) Anxious/Avoidant
1) The Anchored attachment means a person most often feels comfortable with intimacy and they are usually warm and loving. They neither run from conflict nor feel the need to grasp for or over pursue their partner during or after an argument. They easily repair any breaches that arise in a relationship and usually feel relationally secure.
2) The Anxious attachment means a person often has a deep need, even craves intimacy and can be preoccupied with their relationships. They quickly feel any distance in a relationship and strive to do whatever it takes to reconnect and they may become clingy or angry when a connection isn’t happening.
3) The Avoidant attachment is where adults often equate intimacy with a loss of independence and try to minimize closeness. They want to avoid conflict -sometimes at all costs, so they shut down, back away or walk off during an argument. They do want closeness but they often don’t know how to go about staying connected when partners get too close or require true emotional intimacy.
4) The Anxious/avoidant attachment is just like it sounds. This person both avoids and feels anxious at different moments in the relationship. They do a conflicted dance of pulling their partner in and then pushing them away if they start to get too close.
The first step to building more harmony in your marriage
is to identify which attachment styles are at work in your relationship.
For example: what if both spouses are avoidant?
Emotional intimacy is desired but rarely acquired. Everyone is avoiding conflict so maybe fights aren’t the issue. They are less in touch with their feelings and have a harder time talking about their emotions. Sex might be good to a point, but without true emotional connection, they will probably have fewer deeply satisfying moments.
(*On our podcast this week we’ll be talking about what a couple in this situation might do to increase the closeness in their relationship.)
Once David and I discovered that he has an avoidant attachment style and I have an anxious it took the mystery out of our history! If ever I got angry with David for withholding or distancing himself then he felt the need to back further away for self-preservation.
That increased my reaction and we would go into a cycle of approach/avoidance -approach/avoidance until we both ended up feeling mad and misunderstood.
Learning attachment theory has brought huge levels of closeness and connection to our marriage. And it helped that both of us were willing to do whatever it took to fix what ailed us.
David was startled to realize he struggled with emotional closeness. At first, he put himself in the Anchored category, but our history actually shows otherwise. He now sees that he was not as comfortable as he imagined with emotional intimacy or relational conflict, both of which had a direct impact on his ability to relate to my needs and face some of our differences.
And, it was equally as important for me to see how my anxiety to be close sometimes amped my reactions in an angry, negative way. The anger ( rooted in fear or hurt) I felt when David distanced himself or shut down had to be significantly curbed in order for us to heal this self-sabotaging cycle that kept snagging an otherwise great relationship.
Want to learn more on how your attachment style might be negatively affecting your marriage?
1) LISTEN to this week’s Episode of The Live True Podcast.
2) Click HERE for our next available consultation.
*** PLEASE HELP US ENCOURAGE OTHER COUPLES BY SHARING THIS BLOG
with anyone you think might be interested. Thanks!
