LTP 21 Healing Wounds From Our Parents

An Interview with Francis Anfuso

In this very emotional podcast episode, David Loveless interviews Francis Anfuso on how we can see further healing from wounds that initially came from our parents.

Francis grew up in an extremely difficult home that people throughout the country thought would have been magnificent, but behind the curtains, it was everything but that.

Here is a part of his journey toward healing… and we believe, your journey toward healing.

Listen to the Audio

Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

We know that our pain can lead to our passion which can then lead to our purpose in life… unless we get jaded in that pain.

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In the interview, we explore some of these questions and more:

  • What does your journey look like when someone else’s script is informing your story, and the wounds remain unattended?
  • What do you do when you can’t even relate to God as father?
  • How can that be changed?
  • Can a person who has been through any difficulty in their childhood, reclaim any part of that childhood?
  • How can we process our experiences of:

A Wounded Heart

An Abandoned Child

The Neglected Child

The Fearful Child

The Embittered Child

The Abused Child

The Performance Driven Child

LTP 14- One Skill You Must Have for Better Relationships & It’s Not Listening

How can you best connect with and inquire about the people in your life? In this podcast episode, David & Caron Loveless discuss the challenge that many of us seem to be bankrupt in, which is our ability to care for and be curious about others, through the questions we ask them.

The power of a good question is that it can encourage and empower all those that we regularly live with, work with, and relate to.

 

To listen to the audio of this podcast, push the above play arrow.

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Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

Jesus was master question asker. Why?

At the heart of effective living, loving, and leading, is making relational investments.  And one of the best ways is having a curiosity in those relationships where both care and help can be demonstrated.

Are You Black & White or Fifty Shades of Gray?

In the early days of processing my husband’s betrayal I rejected his vehement declarations that went something like this:

 “Even though I did this, you need to believe me, I never, ever stopped loving you.” 

Yeah, right. There was no way I was buying that.

We just don’t say we love someone and do something so utterly and horribly unloving. 

Or do we?

One of several things that saved our marriage was my learning to hold,

simultaneously

BOTH my husbands many obvious virtues AND this one unthinkable vice. 

 

Like many people, I had often seen my world in black and white. You’re either for us OR against us. You like me OR you don’t. You’re good OR you’re bad. You’re either right OR you’re wrong. It’s either all OR nothing.

I had little capacity for complexity or a healthy, integrated, middle ground. 

 So…

 He was either a loving, godly husband OR an awful, lying cheat.

….an honorable pastor OR a sinful man

…a man of God OR a tool of the enemy.

 

In my hurt and disorientation I could not see the TRUTH of PARADOX:

two opposing statements that are BOTH TRUE at the same time. 

 

Like this familiar statement that most Christians would agree with:

~Jesus was both God and man.

As Mary once said, “But how can this be?”

The same way you can be both a father and a son or a mother and a daughter or a teacher and and an artist or …a Christian and a sinner.

Two different aspects of the same person co-existing. This is called “BOTH AND” or Non-dualistic or “AMPERSAND ( & ) THINKING.” With ampersand thinking you can learn to accept the horror that your loving husband has ALSO been unfaithful, or that your esteemed pastor has ALSO morally failed. 

It means that SIN NEVER CANCELS OUT the GOODNESS in a person’s soul.

It means you can see both aspects of a situation without judging it all one way or the other.

It means you are learning to see how you, too, have goodness & compromise in certain areas of your life.

In her excellent article, “How Can He Do This and Say He Loves Me,” Debbie Lasser describes her own growth in understanding “how can this be?” after discovering her husband’s failures:

” With greater education about (stress) and trauma…I learned how the brain can literally ‘dissociate’ and close off certain memories or behaviors while others take over. I learned that pain, fear, and anger can distract one temporarily from healthy behaviors to choose behaviors to comfort and survive.

I slowly began to believe that betrayal is complicated—not black-and-white. When my worldview expanded to include other possibilities to my simple and legalistic thinking of the past, I could take in the both/and truths of (my husband) Mark’s behaviors: he did love me AND he was medicating some extraordinary pain with unhealthy behaviors.

…embracing ampersand thinking was what led me to stay with my husband. What I knew was that I was in tremendous pain from his infidelity AND I truly loved him. Speaking up about that pain and getting support allowed me to hold the tension of both truths—and to choose to stay and work toward a new life of faithfulness with Mark.” 

Living in the tension of two opposite truths about a person we love or a situation we care about requires a journey through complexity. Most of us don’t like that. That’s too much work, too much mystery. Too much letting go of our need to be right.

We want simple, absolute certainty.

Like, get on or get off the bus.

 Why should I see fifty shades of gray when life can be so much clearer in black or white? 

 

Because REAL LIFE is never just black or white.

 

God Himself is not Father OR Son OR Holy Spirit— but all three in One Person at the same time. A fairly mysterious, simultaneous complexity.

But God is perfect, you say. What about our fallible friends & spouses & family? Do we just OVERLOOK their sin?!

We never overlook pain or unhealthy behavior.

And yet as we do that we also see how our perfect God handles OUR SINS  by receiving, welcoming & holding BOTH our dark & light- the first time, every time for all time.

(Psalm 139:12 …the darkness and the light are both alike to You.)

When this has been gifted to us– where do we get permission to see & hold each other any other way?

 

My journey to embrace the paradox has not been easy. 

But it has made ALL the difference.

It made forgiveness & compassion & complete restoration of our marriage possible.

So, I’m wondering today what situation or relationship with others or even your own view of yourself has you thinking in black and white? Is that bringing you closer to understanding and resolution or is it being destructive, hurtful, limiting, punishing and exclusive?

Sadly, so many marriages, families, friendships, churches and businesses

are being fatally severed by well-meaning but divisive people entrenched in either/or thinking.  

We all need help to learn how to see a hurtful situation or relationship with more clarity, find a better balance to what feels like opposites, to gain insight, compassion and love. We can’t just read a good book or talk with a friend if we hope to rewire years and years of reinforced patterns of black and white thinking.

That’s why we’re here. Let us help you learn how to see and hold what feels like polar opposites with healing grace and truth.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected].

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

Six Questions To Empower The People You Lead & Love

As I look back on my early years as a leader there were many times I marched into meetings or conversations and it was all about the important task at hand. I’m pretty sure I was more concerned about accomplishing a mission, than I was about contributing to the development of the person helping us get that mission accomplished.

Eventually, I saw the poor way I was treating people and worked to change this. 

So, as we often do, I swung the pendulum over to the other side, and spent more time in meetings finding out how others were doing in their personal or working environment… often leaving important items, that were not being done well, or were significantly impacting other people, un-addressed.

Eventually, I found a better rhythm between these two ditches.  

This rhythm seemed to help people feel cared for and also

coached them toward a clearer understanding of their next steps and responsibilities.

Today is Mastering Mondays where we tackle an issue that could make a substantial difference in the way you lead and love others.

Balancing our engagement with people between invitation and challenge ( as my friend & fellow leader, Mike Breen, phrases it) seems to be a common issue for leaders, spouses, coaches, and parents.

How much is too much task orientation and not enough personal encouragement? Or the reverse?

Most of us have a conversational or meeting default switch. Which one of these would others say you most often tend to use?

A) You charge into meetings and immediately begin asking about how the person or people are FUNCTIONING … the task… the mission… .the project.. what’s been done or not done and why.  The people you are meeting with can feel like their only value is about the accomplishment of the all important to-do list.

OR

B) You amble into a meeting, make sure everyone is comfortable and focus mainly on how the people are FEELING.  You begin with genuine personal care but often get so involved or bogged down in the details, that key problem areas of responsibility aren’t adequately addressed.

If you want to find an effective and healthy rhythm that will both encourage as well as empower those around you… and result in their ongoing growth, try employing these six questions: 

1.  How are you feeling about your life right now?   

At the heart of both effective coaching, parenting, or marriage, is a relational investment. Check on how the person is REALLY doing.

You should know ahead of time, this question typically has to be asked three times in a row,

before a person really understands or feels like

you are truly interested in how they are actually doing.

 2.  Where do you feel like you’re winning? 

This can be asked multiple ways including: “what are you celebrating?”  This keeps the tone of the meeting relational and positive. Its tempting to quickly focus on whats not working or what is broken. This keeps the conversation focused on where the leader is feeling successful.

 3.  What are your top 2 challenges? 

The first couple of questions are more relational and that actually is the BIG deal.

But here, we let them talk openly about the things that may need development in the group or team.  It’s vital to understand that the greater the level of honesty and specificity around this, the more effective it will be.

Also note that the more you demonstrate an atmosphere of:

you are not a bad person or ineffective leader because you’re experiencing challenges,”

the greater the level of honesty & help.

4.  What are you planning to do about these challenges?

Once a leader has disclosed some areas of challenge within their life, group, or team, its tempting to quickly move into fix & solve mode or to offer your advice. 

Don’t solve the problem for them. 

The best way we can serve a person is to encourage them to deal on their own, with whatever they’re facing.  Our role is to help draw out those answers or solutions. This gives them more confidence for the future and more lasting ownership of the situation they’re responsible for.

 5.  How can I help you?

Once they’ve  come up with several ideas to address their issue, then we can come alongside and offer additional support or assistance where needed. This is one way we can practically serve them.

 6.  How can I pray for you?

Where this is possible and the person is open to it, praying is another way to show concern and demonstrates that you both want to participate with and rely on the most caring and empowering Person in the universe.

This is a great opportunity to ask them to be praying for you as well, demonstrating the humility and interdependence it takes to see good things accomplished.

If you think you may need additional help keeping the meeting on track, try shooting for about 5 minutes per question for a 30 minute meeting. If you have an hour, then double it.

This week, try asking these 6 questions and see if it brings you a better rhythm of personability and productivity. 

*** What other questions do you find to be encouraging and empowering?

6 Tips For Parents of Really Great Kids

So, you have this great kid. 

I mean, really great. 

Some days, you can hardly believe how cool it is that out of zillions of kids out there, this fantastically good piece of human angel food cake landed on your plate. She is always kind, and smart and loving and probably destined to be the youngest star in the Bolshoi Ballet (and that’s just before breakfast.) Or he’s so wise for his age and funny, always respectful, and his #1 goal in life is to eradicate poverty by his 30th birthday!

Everyone knows what a great kid you have. 

You feel so incredibly blessed to be their parent and you go along like this for some years cultivating this really special bond between you and your child.  

And, then, it happens. 

Your really great kid messes up. 

Nah, not my kid. Can’t be. 

But, when the facts get assembled, indeed, the shattering truth is confirmed. It’s like a hard jab to the gut. A major part of your world implodes. You say things like:

What did I do wrong??? How could this happen? We hang out, we do stuff together.  I’ve totally raised this kid by The Book. Everything was going along just fine, then bam.  I’ve done everything I knew to do. I gave her everything. I thought I knew my child inside and out. I have no idea who my daughter is now. No kid could have been more loved. 

So, now what do you do? 

1) Before you freak out & throw The Book at them, walk away for at least a few minutes (preferably longer, especially if it’s a major offense) and take some deep breaths while you do a quick flashback to your own youth

Any house rules broken? curfew violations? drug experiences? practical jokes run amuck?  any undocumented encounters your parents never knew you had? Try to get in touch with a few of THOSE moments in your own story. Try to FEEL how you felt at either being caught & punished or feel the fear you carried at just the thought of being discovered.

Revisiting our own emotions will help us better empathize with how our child may feel about disappointing us, and, in many cases, disappointing themselves. 

We’ve come to believe lack of empathy is THE #1 roadblock to relational harmony. 

But hang on! you might say, this is exactly what I hoped to help my child avoid –stupid mistakes! Everything I did as a parent was to keep them from doing   some of the foolish, dangerous, rebellious, illegal, etc., things I did.

Or you might say: I thought if I loved my child well enough she wouldn’t feel the need to do something that might hurt her or get her into trouble. Or, you might even say: I never did anything like this. What’s wrong with my kid that he would do such a thing? 

2) Identify & own all of your own emotions over what has happened. 

It’s not what you’re thinking about this, but what you’re feeling. Are you feeling anger, shame, guilt, fear, despair, hurt, etc? Our response / reaction to what our child has done will be a critical piece as to how they recover. Our reaction is driven out of our own emotions about what they’ve done.

Before we jump down their throats a healthy response would be for us to recognize what our emotions are saying to us about ourselves, then what they are saying to us about our child. 

3) Assign each emotion you discover to you or your child

Ex: I’m feeling anger at myself for not checking out more details about the party she went to. 

      I’m feeling shame over how her actions will make me look bad as a person and as a parent. 

      I’m feeling guilty for working so much lately and not spending enough time with him.

      I’m feeling fearful about what could have happened or now that ________ has happened, I’m  afraid this will become a pattern or that she could go to jail or that_______________. 

      I’m feeling angry he did something he promised he would never do. 

      I’m feeling hurt that my daughter violated the implicit trust I had in her. 

      I’m feeling angry my son broke the house rules we established for his own protection. 

      I’m feeling hurt and angry that my child is not the person I thought she/he was. 

4) See this event as both a gift & invitation

 This situation, with all it’s disappointment affirms to you and your child that, if accepted, failure can be a great, if not our greatest life teacher–even as painful as it is. We know this is true from our own experience– our own failures have been enormous pathways for us to learn and grow but out of our desire to protect our child, and sometimes ourself, we can’t always immediately see the value.

Most of the time, our fierce desire to protect and defend our kids from pain and suffering is a  good thing. It makes us feel like good parents. But, sometimes, our “protection” actually gets in the way of our child’s growth. 

Necessary suffering will be just as formational for your child as it has been for you. 

We keep thinking there should be a different path of growth for our child than painful experiences. We are actually stifling the growth God wants our child to experience if we try to rescue them from feeling too much pain. 

5) Instead of protecting your child from pain, prepare them for the inevitable

If we don’t acknowledge – ahead of time- the human experiences of loss, failure, and pain, we add to their risk of living with you and themselves in denial, deception and hiding.

If failure is never an option then what will she do with it when she does eventually fail? Will she spin it as “not really all that bad,” or hide it as if it didn’t really happen? 

This would be a good time to share with your child some of your own mistakes.  

Tell your child,  ahead of time,  how you will irrevocably love them when the time comes that they fail. You can still be disappointed, sad or afraid for them but what will make all the difference is that they know you will be there -with unshakable love – when they royally mess up.

Be like a mirror – showing your child the very heart of God.  

6) Be present with your child in the failure

We are most like God when we can sit with our child in his failure and love him through it. 

This is difficult to do when we think her failure is somehow about us: either a bad reflection on us or how we messed up as a parent or how angry and inconvenienced we are by it. 

But what’s really going on with your child here? What emotions has he been feeling that led up to this event? Ask. Don’t assume. 

There may be real self image or peer pressure (which is identity related) or any number of other issues attached to this event that need to be addressed. To gloss over serious rebellion or extreme negligence would be a mistake but it would be an equally bad mistake for your child never to know how irrevocably and unconditionally loved she is regardless of how you feel she makes you or herself look to others.

Don’t over or under react.

Most of us tend to do one or the other in pressure situations. Which one do you do?  What would happen if you react in the opposite way of your normal response?

Be careful that the consequences you lay down are not because of undo embarrassment or shame you are feeling.  And if there are already serious built in consequences for what has happened, consider whether those consequences might be enough of a lesson on their own. 

Since they’ve messed up, you may have doubts about how great your kid actually is. But, you haven’t been wrong. You really do have a great kid!

But, before this happened, you may have over-idealized them- projecting on them a form of perfection no man, woman or child can ever live up to.  Now you are reeling from a shattered fantasy you created around them. 

And, yes, we have done this ourselves as parents more than a few times. What began in pure love, sometimes moved to idealization then on to near idolatry.  We couldn’t see this was happening –  of course- just like you there reading this right now and thinking ( like we did ) —“you obviously don’t know MY child.”

Sigh.

It was out of a sincere desire to raise great sons for God who would impact the world that we sometimes projected a little too much pixy dust on them. Ya think? 

You could say we were blinded by the sparkle in our own eyes when we looked at them. 

But, over time, a fuller, Truer picture of each of our incredible boys emerged. And, after we picked ourselves up off the floor—-they continued to thrive a lot and mess up some. Just like we do. 

Oh, yes, we still blame ourselves sometimes, and struggle with feeling like some things they’ve done or do make us look bad. But, hey, we still have more growing up to do. 

If you feel stuck in relational issues at work, in ministry or at home, we can help.  Contact us youlivetrue.com for a free consultation. 

Written in collaboration by David & Caron Loveless

(Art by: Katie Berggren.  Shopkmberggren.com)