Do This For A Happier, More Intimate Relationship

The other night we were doing some premarital coaching with a couple who have asked David to officiate their wedding. There are a hundred things we want to say to these two, to encourage them and to help them get the best start possible.

But if we had to boil our best advice down to just ONE thing that could make the difference between an okay marriage and a deeply satisfying one it would be this:

*** Create an atmosphere of total emotional safety for your spouse.

In this atmosphere they feel completely free anytime, day or night, to share their wildest dreams, biggest fears & deepest hurts without worry they will be rebuked, rejected or get some kind of reprisal from you.  (You might want to read that again.)

Hands down, if you want more happiness and intimacy in your relationship —emotional safety is THE #1 key. 

On the other hand- if the most significant person in your life is not always the one you feel safest to share all your thoughts and feelings with —this should be a serious concern.

Many years ago, there were times my reactivity and sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all of his thoughts and feelings.  We had lots of deep conversations, but a few subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me, peace was his holy grail.

In effect, he didn’t always feel completely safe with me.  Over time, this came to hurt our marriage. *** But you couldn’t have told either of us then that emotional safety was a problem.  It’s back to self-awareness. We all need help seeing what we can’t see for ourselves.

>>>If your desire is to experience the deepest enjoyment and satisfaction possible in your marriage find out how emotionally safe your spouse feels with you.  (***The key is you being open and humble enough to hear some hard things that may have to do with you.)

Here are some great questions to open the conversation:  

1) How emotionally safe do you feel in our relationship? (on a scale of 1-10)

2) Are certain subjects off-limits to talk about, either, because 

1.    A) you don’t want to stir up trouble with me or  
2.   B) you feel uncomfortable with the anxiety that topic creates for you? 

3) Do you feel safe to discuss any subject with me? If not, what subject feels off limits? 

4) Do you feel safe to share your deepest feelings, needs & failures with me?

5) Do you feel safe enough to share even your most honest, negative emotions? 

6) Can you be completely honest with me? When is it hard to be truthful with me? 

7) Do you feel free to honestly communicate areas of disagreement and conflict without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal?

Healthy, happy relationships offer enough secure, emotional space for us to be open and vulnerable with our hurts, confusion, hopes and stresses without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal.

*** If you’d like to further grow in this and so many other ways that can impact your closet relationships, then CLICK HERE for information on our brand new online course: “The Transforming Power Of Self-Awareness: Learn the #1 predictor of your spiritual, relational, and professional success.”  We’ve dumped everything we know about this subject into Seven 20-minute video sessions; Seven 3-minute Application/Activation videos; a downloadable course guide; and much more.  We’d love to show you what we’ve learned about how God-awareness, that is joined with better self-awareness, can dramatically change the relationships in your life.

By the way- If this blog has been helpful to you, share it with others you think might also benefit.

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Caron Loveless

Caron Loveless is a bestselling author, artist and teacher. She is a compassionate, intuitive advisor, a certified Enneagram specialist and for over 25 years she used her strategic, leadership, and artistic gifts to serve on the executive staff at Discovery Church, Orlando, FL. She is a conference speaker and retreat leader with a passion to see women, couples and leaders identify the hidden, internal issues that hinder them from experiencing the maximum joy, grace and fulfillment God has available for them. Caron and her husband David are parents of three sons and are the grandparents of their seven delightfully energized children.