How do you forgive the unforgivable when you’ve done something that has been destructive either to yourself and/or to others?

One winter a father asked his son to help shovel the snow in their driveway. The son refused and went to hang out with his friends instead.  When the son returned he discovered his father had had a heart attack and died while shoveling the snow.  50 years later the son can’t forgive himself for his father’s death.

Maybe it didn’t end in death, but we’ve all done things or said things we desperately wish we could have back. Sometimes, even years later, the situation still plagues us and we can’t seem to find any peace.

When thoughts arise from behaviors we’re not proud of, it often turns into self-shame. Shame constantly tries to tell us how low and despicable we are. It shuts us down and cuts us off from the people, life, and healing God wants us to have.

This happened to me as I rehearsed the way I betrayed my wife a number of years ago. I felt like God had forgiven me. And over time, as I processed my failure with Caron, she began to forgive me. ( In a future blog we’ll talk more about how to forgive the unforgivable in others.)

But, I couldn’t forgive myself. I rehearsed a million times things like:

  • “I should have known better… done better.”
  • “You believed one thing but did another. That’s inexcusable!”
  • “You’ve wounded your marriage/your family in unthinkable ways.”
  • “Many who trusted you have been hurt because of your stupidity.”

When God forgives us, according to Jeremiah 31:34, He remembers our sins no more. This means that our all-knowing Father chooses not to hold our sin against us or to keep hounding us over it.

Forgiving yourself is not about pretending something bad didn’t happen. It is about not bringing the offense up to yourself in condemning ways.

Forgiving yourself is letting go of what you are holding against yourself so that you can move on with God, yourself, and others.

I don’t know what you have a hard time forgiving yourself for, but if God is willing to forgive our failures, how does it benefit us to keep harassing ourselves?

Here are some steps I’ve personally taken and continue to take in my journey of self-forgiveness.  

  1. Fully accept whatever part of the situation you are responsible for. Don’t blame other people or circumstances.

 

  1. Admit your sin to the person(s) you have wounded.  (If the person(s) is no longer alive physically write your offenses down on a sheet of paper.)

 

  1. Take as much time as necessary to process the conditions that contributed to your failure (or accident, misjudgment, etc) with a professional counselor. (I did this every week for over a year. Then spent another year processing and reading books with Caron.) This is a critical step I see many omit to their own detriment. If you have not done the work your soul will know it. 

 

  1. Write down the lessons you’re learning from your mistakes.

 

  1. Ask trusted friends or a pastor to hear your lessons and confession. Then ask them to speak the forgiveness of God over you.

 

  1. Learn how to be a better, less critical, friend to yourself. Grow compassion. Offer yourself the same forgiveness you would give a good friend in the same situation.  This is not excusing your failure. It is acknowledging your humanity.

 

  1. Choose a sacred place and make your forgiveness “official” (a church, a mountain, the ocean or other special places) —speak forgiveness over yourself there (*see forgiveness prayer below). Burn the paper with your written offenses on it so you have a visual experience of them becoming the ashes they truly are.

 

  1. Keep repeating forgiving words and scriptures as often as self-criticism or “the accuser of the brethren” harasses you. Forgiveness is a process that takes time.

 

  1. Resolve to live in the only place where God is alive with you- this present moment. The past no longer has any hold on you. It is literally dead.

 

The genius of all of the stories and teachings of Jesus is that they refuse to deny the dark side of things. They forgive failure and integrate falling so that people can experience healing and restoration.

The Gospel accepts that life is tragic, but it graciously adds that we can survive and can even grow from our tragedies. This is the great turnaround! It all depends on whether we are willing to draw on the love and grace of God is extended to us.

Here’s a simple, prayerful practice for forgiving yourself: 

  • Recite: “There are many ways that I have damaged and hurt myself and others. I have betrayed or abandoned God and myself, many times through thought, word, or deed- knowingly and unknowingly.” 

 

  • Now let yourself see the ways you have hurt or harmed yourself or others. Picture them, remember them. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this and sense that you can release these burdens. Extend forgiveness for each of them, one by one.

 

  • Repeat to yourself: “For the ways, I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself, I forgive myself, in the same way, that God has already forgiven me.

The Apostle Paul had been responsible for the murder of many Christ-followers and yet he says, “ Therefore there is now no condemnation ( no guilty verdict, no punishment) for those who are in Christ Jesus.” And, “If God is for us, who can be against us?”  Romans 8

These days, I live in a freedom beyond compare. I still hate the failure of my life, but I no longer use it as a billy club on me. I’ve extended the same full and heartfelt forgiveness to myself, that God has given to me.

After you have done what you can to make things right, and to learn all you can from your failure, my prayer is that you come to experience true freedom of conscience in the presence of God, yourself and others.

Do you think God wants us to forgive ourselves?  What do you need to forgive yourself for?

Click on the below links for additional resources:

Why you should embrace your flaws

Forgiving life for what it is

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David Loveless
David Loveless is a leadership coach, pastor to pastors and strategic, spiritual advisor to churches and businesses, throughout the world. He is the Co-Founder of "Live True." He previously served as founding pastor of Discovery Church, Orlando, Fl for 29 years. David and his wife Caron are parents of three sons and are the grandparents of their seven delightfully energized children.

Join the discussion One Comment

  • Martha Whitten 🙋‍♀️ says:

    This is a great teaching guys!!!! Forgiving ourselves is often something that feels elusive but these practical steps are sure to help receive and maintain the the inner freedom!
    We love you guys!!!!