One Simple Way To Improve Your Relationships

Years ago, someone gave David and me tickets to a hockey game. And I always think part of the fun of going to any live game is making a visit to the concession stand. So about halfway through all the slap sticking and body checking, I told David I wanted a drink. And he said, “No, we can’t afford it.”

Now David was in graduate school and more than a few times we didn’t have money for groceries. But I’m thinking, seriously?! We can’t even afford a drink at a hockey game? All I could see was David being a stingy, withholding, penny-pincher.

So, as happens at hockey games, a fight broke out. Not on the ice—- but between us.

Most couples argue over money at some point. But, on closer inspection, our disagreement (like most disagreements on the planet) was not over the price of a soft drink. 

Without realizing it, there was a deeper story I was telling myself, a scenario I invented in my mind that was ratcheting up my anxiety and anger. 

“If I was really valuable to David he would buy me a Coke.” 

David’s interior story might have sounded like, “If she doesn’t stop spending money we’re going to end up on the street.”

I was looking at my self-worth while David was focused on our net worth.

If we look closer, every argument has some kind of story that we and our opposition are conjuring up in our minds. 

So, how can we get on the same page?

We need to be willing to find and admit our actual feelings. Even if we think they sound a little lame or childish.

If I had known then what I know now:

I would have paused ten seconds or so to find out where my feelings were coming from and said,

“Okay. I don’t get your position on this. And I really don’t want us to argue over refreshments. I think the story I’m telling myself is that I’m not worth the price of a Coke to you.”

(And instead of responding with, “We don’t have the money. Deal with it.”)

David could have said, “Oh that’s why you’re upset! My sweet, beautiful, 24 carrot jewel of a wife! Nothing is worth more to me than you! If I had the money, I’d buy 1000 concession stands so you could drink Cokes to your heart’s content. But, I am a poor, lowly student. Still, your happiness means so much to me that, if you want, I’d be willing to crawl on this stadium floor to see if I can find some loose change.”

Ok. A bit of a stretch. You get the idea.

So much unhappiness and misunderstanding come from the stories we tell ourselves that are based on a random accumulation of past experiences, most of which have nothing to do with the current situation. Then in the heat of the moment, all those past experiences rush to a single snap judgment that causes us to make up stories like:

• “She’s bored with me. She can’t wait to get out of this conversation.”
• “That look on his face means he doesn’t like me.”
• “He could care less what I think about this.”
• “She’s an introvert who doesn’t like people that’s why she doesn’t want to go out tonight.”
• “That person just walked by and totally ignored me.”

In many situations, we act like mind readers when it comes to the certainty we feel about other people’s actions and motives. Most of the time we couldn’t be more wrong. But we won’t find out the real truth until the other person denies or affirms that story in our heads. We have to tell them our “story.” And when we do we might find out what we didn’t or couldn’t know:

• She’s actually not bored with you. She’s rushing away because she needs to pick up a sick child at school.
• He likes you fine. He’s just confused about the details of the issue at hand.
• He cares about what you think but he’s also juggling the opinions of his boss and three co-workers.
• She’d like to go out except she didn’t get much sleep the night before and she’s had a tough day.
• That person wasn’t ignoring you. They didn’t even see you because they were lost in thought over a pay cut they just received.

It takes a little practice but, this is one of the best relational tools we’ve found. David and I use it all the time now. It’s incredible the misunderstandings it helps clear up or diffuse. 

Here are the steps: 

1. After your initial reaction to a situation, pause about 10 seconds (or go into another room) and ask yourself: “What’s the story I’m making up in my head?”
2. Be honest about your feelings without accusing the other person
3. Make the statement about you using the phrase “the story I’m telling myself is…” 

We’d love to hear how this works for you when you try it. >>>> Let us know in comments below or email us.

• This is just one of many simple practices we use for greater spiritual, emotional and relational health. If you want to know God better, feel even happier and closer to the most important people in your life -get more of the transformational tools we use every day that are described in our book… CLICK HERE.

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Caron Loveless

Caron Loveless is a bestselling author, artist and teacher. She is a compassionate, intuitive advisor, a certified Enneagram specialist and for over 25 years she used her strategic, leadership, and artistic gifts to serve on the executive staff at Discovery Church, Orlando, FL. She is a conference speaker and retreat leader with a passion to see women, couples and leaders identify the hidden, internal issues that hinder them from experiencing the maximum joy, grace and fulfillment God has available for them. Caron and her husband David are parents of three sons and are the grandparents of their seven delightfully energized children.