Caron and I, come from two completely different backgrounds, a fact, even as 20 and 21-year-old newlyweds, we fully anticipated might cause a little friction –now and then.  We expected to fuss a time or two over how to spend money or Christmas or vacations.

But, what seemed to take years to dawn on us was not only did our families do life differently, they did love different.  And these differences, at times, set us up for conflict like two well-armored aliens from opposing galaxies. She didn’t mind disagreements while I hated every minute of them.

None of us jump out of bed in the morning plotting to sabotage our relationship.  But, invariably, when stuff hits the fan some of us avoid conflict, confrontation and unpleasant feelings at all costs. 

“Conflict avoidance often causes greater conflict.”

Bryant McGill

At work, I didn’t have much difficulty expressing what I thought or felt. But, in our marriage, I tended to be the avoider, because of how much I valued internal peace or feared what I perceived as relational intensity. I would sometimes experience intense emotion like anger but I rarely was able to ‘own’ it and then express it. I saw anger as wrong instead of an authentic, human part of me I needed to be aware of. 

What I’ve come to see is that what we don’t ‘own’ ends up owning us!

At first glance, an “avoider” can appear almost virtuous; not super argumentative, a person who keeps the peace, the strong silent type.  But often, upon closer inspection, many of these folks become peacekeepers to evade what happens inside them when a situation begins to feel overwhelming.

Check out this list from the book  How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Kay and Milan Yerkowich, to help determine if you (or someone you love) is a relational avoider:

_ It seems my spouse/others have a lot more emotional needs than I do.

_ Events, remarks, and interactions with people that are upsetting to my spouse/others seem like no big deal to me.

_ I don’t have many childhood memories

_ I would describe myself as an independent, self-reliant person

_ My spouse complains I don’t show enough affection

_ When something bad happens, I get over it and move on

_ I need my space in relationships and feel annoyed if someone wants to be with me a lot.

_ I like to make decisions on my own.

_ I feel uncomfortable when someone is very emotional, especially if I think I’m supposed to help that person.

_ I have siblings with whom I have little to no contact today

_ I have never felt particularly close to my parents

_ Nothing gets me too bothered or upset

_ I rarely cry

_ I am unaware of certain bodily responses to stress i.e. clenched jaw, crossed arms, constricted breathing, smiling while describing painful events.

*This is a key to understanding an avoidant spouse: Avoiders are not trying to shun you as much as they are trying to escape feelings they don’t know what to do with.

But, those in a relationship with avoiders are often seeing the situation like this:

“He/she is totally ignoring me right now. I’ve just poured out my heart and he/she just sits there saying nothing. That’s one hard-hearted man/woman. Where did he/she go? A minute ago, we were “just talking” and now he’s/she’s back on the computer/ in the garage/gone to their room/to the gym/gone fishing/…going, going, gone.”

For avoiders, learning to identify, allow and express their feelings can be like decoding a foreign language or tying a right-handed person’s hand behind their back and asking them to draw a screaming monkey with their left.  It won’t be easy, but with help and practice, an avoider can learn to “get in touch with their feelings” and, in time, grow a full range of emotions.

God created us emotional beings and tapping into those emotions can be helpful indicators of what is going on in our hearts.

Learning to notice when subtle fear or anxiety is creeping up is an important step. Then staying in the conflict or moving toward it instead of away is the next goal.

One thing that helped me was keeping a short list of emotions on my phone. Several times a week for no reason, or if we experienced a conflict and I felt stuck, Caron and I would get the list out and try to pinpoint the emotions I was feeling.

Sometimes the emotions were positive, sometimes negative, and sometimes a combination of both. It wasn’t rocket science but it was practical and more than anything it moved me to a different level of emotional health which fed right into the health of our marriage. If you or your spouse deal with this I encourage you to make your own list.

Here’s list of emotions I use:

  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Love
  • Fulfilled
  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Guilt
  • Fear
  • Shame

Trust me. If I can grow in this… so can you or your spouse.

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David Loveless
David Loveless is a leadership coach, pastor to pastors and strategic, spiritual advisor to churches and businesses, throughout the world. He is the Co-Founder of "Live True." He previously served as founding pastor of Discovery Church, Orlando, Fl for 29 years. David and his wife Caron are parents of three sons and are the grandparents of their seven delightfully energized children.

Join the discussion One Comment

  • Jackie Crawford says:

    Very good. I use to be an avoider didn’t feel anger until I was in my 30s it bubbled out and I didn’t even know what it was . It has helped to to help my family to express all kinds of emotions joy seems to be the one I am experiencing now Sad but true