By Caron Loveless
I’m a can-do person and, in years past, I hated saying “no” to people. If you asked me to lead something, be somewhere or care for someone my automatic response was often, “Sure, I can probably make that happen.” It felt good to be needed.
I liked having a full calendar. But the truth is, for a long time, I cared more about disappointing friends, co-workers, and family members than managing my own stress. Not to mention the times I felt like a martyr trying to juggle all the demands.
Some people call this being a people pleaser. I call it approval addiction.
Saying “no” to my inner superwoman and living in healthy self-awareness of my approval issues is still a work in progress for me. Even when I know what’s best I sometimes still wince when I can’t say “yes.” But here are seven ways I am learning to say “No, I’d better not” in a gracious way that makes the experience a bit easier for me and others:
1) “Not right now.” This isn’t saying “No, never.” But you’ve decided other priorities have left you no room to join, say, that Fantasy Football league everyone at work has signed up for. You could probably make it happen and enjoy it. But you would lose the margin you’ve recently gained in your schedule. “Try me again next time” still keeps the door open for next season.
2) “I can’t help with that now, but I can get you some resources.” You have skills and abilities people need but no availability to share them personally. Why not offer them access to the top books, websites, and videos that have helped you?
3) “That’s not something I can do right now, but I might know someone who can help.” Who else could you introduce this person to that might be interested in helping with their need or project?
4) “I can’t do that right now, but I can do______.” Giving a little something feels better than giving nothing at all.
5) “I’ll need to think about that.” Or “Can I get back to you on that?” Anytime we are asked for an immediate reply it’s a sign someone else is in control of our circumstances. Don’t let anyone pressure you for an answer on the spot. Adding a bit of time to your response creates space to think more clearly about what is best for you.
6) “I think I’ll need to pray about this.” Similar to the answer above, some situations call for Divine direction. Don’t be afraid to put it out there that you leave certain decisions to your Highest Spiritual Advisor.
7) “I’m honored you asked but I need to say no.” Sometimes we feel pressured to come up with a good “excuse” for saying “no,” especially if the reason we’re saying “no” is for our own leisure or recreation. When we have a hard time saying “yes” to ourselves or our family it is particularly important we learn to free ourselves from always having a “good reason” to turn someone down. It’s an unhealthy practice if more often than not we’re thinking ” the family will understand, or “I can find time for myself later.”
In the end, learning to say a gracious “no” is saying “yes” to our own truthfulness and authenticity. Ultimately, it helps reduce our stress and leaves us, even more room to respond with affirmative generosity when the time is right.
This blog was written by Caron Loveless
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