One of the big issues we regularly see with leaders and couples who come to us for coaching is how challenged most of us are at actually feeling and expressing our emotions in a healthy way. I’m not talking about mismanaged emotions like rage but the inability to actually name what we’re feeling ( as opposed to thinking) or to communicate deep feelings to even the closest people in our lives.
And, if that sounds too “touchy feely” then this blog is for you.
Our original family teaches us how close we can be with others. And for good or for ill we come away from our families with a certain learned level of intimacy. We have a type of “you can come this close and no closer” mentality that we aren’t even conscious of most of the time.
To overcome our emotional handicaps and to grow our ability to withstand and enjoy emotional closeness it’s critical that we look at how feelings were managed in our family of origin.
Psychologist and researcher, John Gottman, says there are four categories of understanding how families manage emotions: emotion-dismissing, emotion-disapproving, laissez-faire, and emotional coaching (The Relationship Cure, pp. 150-157).
- Emotion-Dismissing
This discourages the showing or expressing of emotions. When emotions surface, family members turn away. Often emotions are dismissed because they are feared to overrun the family or turn into something worse. Or emotions are dismissed because key people are anxious about having to fix whatever is causing negative emotions like anger, frustration, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear or sadness. People say things like:
- “There is no need to get angry about it.”
- “Look on the bright side.”
- “There is nothing to be afraid of.”
The emotion dismissing family stunts relational maturity. It essentially says your emotions aren’t an important part of who you are. As a result, we live unaware of our emotional world because we have learned to dismiss what we are feeling. And that feels normal to us. Consequently, our capacity for emotional intimacy in our most important relationships is diminished.
- Emotion-Disapproving
This approach is more overt in their dislike of emotions such as anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, fear and even in some instances joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. While the emotion-dismissing family seeks to redirect or ignore difficult emotions in the emotion-disapproving system are treated sometimes with hostility. Strong emotions are greeted forcefully and shut down. Persons with strong emotions are often criticized, put-down, scolded, reprimanded, and even disciplined for how they feel. In this family people often say:
Strong emotions are greeted forcefully and shut down. Persons with strong emotions are often criticized, put-down, scolded, reprimanded, and even disciplined for how they feel. In this family people often say:
- “Stop that crying or I will give you something to cry about.”
- ‘Your acting like a baby quit or your going to get it.”
- “Stop all that laughter. You’re acting like an idiot.”
Individuals emerging from the disapproving system can become deeply handicapped in establishing enduring and fulfilling relationships with others, including God. If we learned to numb our negative emotions because we think they are unacceptable, we will numb our positive emotions as well.
- Laissez-faire Emotional System
This system allows for the expression of emotions but has no guidance. Children and adults are encouraged to express negative emotions but given no help with how to process them. The fruit of this system is particularly evident in children who are unable to manage strong negative emotions. They feel free to express their emotions but they are not taught how to manage them in a healthy way. In this family people may say things like:
- “You must be feeling so sad.”
- “I can see that you’re mad right now.”
- “I know you are frightened. That used to scare me when I was little, too.”
Because the parents do not help the child effectively cope with their emotions a child may often be emotionally out of control. The child becomes handicapped relationally from lack of impulse control. The child has limited capacity to self-soothe because the parents did not adequately model a self-soothing approach to their emotional outbursts. Most often, the laissez-faire system is the fruit of parents who are too overwhelmed and distracted to provide adequate teaching.
- Emotional-Coaching family system
This approach is attuned to family member’s emotions, invites appropriate expression, and is actively present to assist in managing emotions and giving overt suggestions to assist one another with their circumstances. Coaching family systems are solution oriented once emotions are expressed and empathically engaged.
However, emotion-coaching families do not allow just any type of behavior. If a child is angry, the emotion is permitted, but kicking, hitting, throwing things, name calling, etc. are not ok. The child learns boundaries even though the emotion is acknowledged. In emotion-coaching families, the expression of emotion is understood as a bid for relational connection and understanding.
Any family relational system that allows for appropriate emotional expression followed by positive problem-solving fosters a capacity for deeper relational intimacy. Conflict is understood as a normal part of life, not as something that is catastrophic.
- Which one of the above family emotional systems did you grow up with?
- How have you seen it impact the way you relate to others especially those in your current family?
So, what if we didn’t get great emotional coaching in our family growing up? Are we doomed to weak emotional connections?
This week on The Live True Podcast Caron and I will talk more about the impact of emotional family systems and what we can now do to improve our ability to better relate to and enjoy those closest to us.
Additional Resources:
We help individuals and couples, every week, from throughout the country. We engage in Relational Coaching that has provided many significant breakthroughs, not only in today’s blog subject but in multiple other areas as well. To read more about this or contact us then CLICK HERE.
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