Listening to the voice in my head has caused me a lot of suffering. You know the voice I’m talking about.
Throughout the day it shows up, uninvited, and hijacks your thoughts. The voice dishes out color commentary about you and other people or situations. Sometimes, it wakes you up at night. It sounds like a cross between a drill sergeant, The Wicked Witch of the West and you. And it never has anything good to report. It says things like:
- “It’s your fault. If you had your act together / hadn’t been so clueless/ weren’t such a __________person _________wouldn’t have happened.”
- You’re such an idiot. You shouldn’t have done/said _____________.
- You should have done/said ___________.
- Who do you think you are anyway? You’re never going to be __________. You’re always going to be __________.
- You might as well face it. You don’t have what it takes to ________________________.
- __________ is what’s wrong with you. You’re a total _________.
- Ohmigosh! Get a clue! You are SOOOOOO old/dumb/fat/skinny/tall/short/ugly/plain/boring/slow/shy/ needy/poor/unproductive/_________. No one’s ever going to __________ you.
And because this voice can actually see through walls and brain matter and is so incredibly omniscient, it also tells us, with great accuracy, what other people are thinking. Like…
- You know _______ doesn’t really like you. You can see that can’t you? They pretend to like you because you’re a __________. It’s obvious they’d rather hang out with_______________.
- _________ just canceled our lunch appointment because someone else more interesting/smart/rich/fun/influential asked to get with them today. They didn’t really have to take their sick dog to the vet.
- Your ____________doesn’t really love you/ care about you/ think about you/ want to spend time with you.
- Look at ___________face. It’s obvious he / she is totally annoyed /mad/ disappointed/ bored with you right now.
- ________________ is just using you.
- Don’t believe that nice thing ______________ said about you. They’re just saying that because _______________.
When this voice speaks we believe what it says without bothering to question whether the statements it makes are actually true.
Thoughts like the ones above constantly run in and out of our consciousness and as we give them attention they birth a whole brigade of reinforcements. With each thought we feel worse and worse.
Sometimes, the voice brings along a little movie for us to watch in our head while we’re driving or brushing our teeth or otherwise minding our own business. The movies play scenes of our past mistakes or a sadness or they switch into psychic mode and predict the disastrous outcome of some future event. That’s pretty dang creative!
And we fall for it every time.
So heads up: When we listen to the negative, accusing voice in our thoughts-it’s a form of self-hate. And self-hate is linked to depression. Think about it = a depressing conversation around “what’s wrong” usually precedes a low mood.
Next time you feel sad, try to observe your thoughts at that moment to see if you’ve been hijacked.
Without the voice that compares, judges, makes negative pronouncements, criticizes or stirs up loss, lack, deprivation and fear, we are simply experiencing the moment we are in. And chances are high we’re just sitting in our car or getting dressed and not one thing is going wrong at this “present” moment.
We are merely experiencing our real, true life.
We are aware, alive and participating with what is happening right now. And we are not caught up or distracted in our head by our past or our fears or by something negative a parent or ex or boss used to say.
Get this: The voice in your head will talk to you about anything you will believe and feel bad about.
- If money is an issue for you, it talks about money fears and mistakes and a future of stress & striving.
- If you have body image issues, it will talk about how you look, compare you to others, let you know that everything wrong in your life is because of the way you look.
- If you have relationship issues, it will point out what wonderful relationships everyone else has, how lacking your relationships are, how it’s always been that way and always will be.
- And, if you have ambition issues, it will say you aren’t working hard enough, or in the right places or with the right people or the competition is gaining on you.
In what areas do your thoughts torture you?
It’s hard for us to see the suffering our negative thoughts are causing us because these thoughts sound so much like US! They match perfectly to our own unique set of insecurities, fears and anxieties. We believe it is our reality because this voice has always been with us-it’s all we’ve ever known. And after all…
- “I am overweight.”
- “I don’t have enough money.”
- “I don’t have the relationship I want.”
- “I do have eager competitors.”
So, the voice must be right. But, how do you feel when you agree with a bunch of negative statements? Sad, powerless, empty, angry, small, less than, wounded, attacked, useless? Trust me – I could go on with this list for quite a while- I know it well. But do you really want to keep living this way?
That accusing, negative voice gets all it’s juice from the attention we give it. Without our attention to it the voice cannot exist.
For thousands of generations humans have been “programmed” for survival by turning their attention to “what’s wrong.” Makes sense that in ancient civilizations it would behoove people to stay alert to imminent danger. Disease, famine, wild beasts, warring tribes were a real life and death problem.
While this is still true for some cultures today chances are if you’re reading this you’re not in one of those cultures. But, your mind is still conditioned to think thoughts like you are!
And even if you are reading this in one of those cultures, you can still learn to recognize how your vigilant “thought alerts” cause you great suffering and emotional trauma. Even if you have accepted “this is just the way my life is” the impact of constant negative thoughts and beliefs have been scientifically confirmed to cause serious and lasting emotional and physical damage.
So what if, one day, you just decide not to believe every single thought that negative voice introduces in your head? What if you really get that (for most of us) those stories and movies that keep replaying are just not true any more. Even if they once WERE TRUE they are probably not happening to you right now. But you stay bound to them and to the sad, depressing, negative emotions that grow from them every time you pay attention to and agree with your damaging thoughts.
- Try to imagine what might happen to the problem that voice keeps nagging you about if you stopped listening to it’s warnings and complaints.
- How would you actually feel if you were rid of those constant negative reports? Light-hearted? Free? Happy? Your true self?
- And those images and movies? Would they still be true if no one “watched them” or gave them permission to keep tormenting you?
DO TRY THIS AT HOME:
What would your life look like if you “saw” the story that voice was trying to drum up again and made note of it and then gently turned your attention toward something more positive, or even neutral? In other words, to move out of your head and thoughts and consciously turn toward whatever it is you are actually doing at the moment, like washing the car, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, being with your child or spouse or friend.
This is where I want my attention to go this week.
Yes, that voice will still get on the loud speaker in my head. You can put money on it. But, I have a choice. I can follow the voice as it leads me down the road to sadness, fear, shame, rejection or whatever. Or, I can simply notice the voice is back and say,
“Yeah, I see you there. I know. I know. You feel an alert. That triggered some shame. You remember a pain. But, notice that’s not really happening to us right at this moment, is it? See, we’re okay. Be at peace. We’ve got better, truer, happier things to do and feel and think about right now.”
This is not being in denial. You address the concern the voice is raising. You notice that prick of envy or fear or anger it’s trying to flag you down with, but, like a misguided child you gently, wisely give it a more productive, happy task to attend to.
So if you find the voice is taking up more space in your head than is healthy – we can help. We have clients in a number of states in the U.S. We do virtual coaching or counseling with individuals, couples and teams no matter where you live.
Talk to yourself like you’d talk to someone you love.” – Dr.Brene Brown
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