Not long ago, David and I were having one of those little “discussions” that couples/friends/co–workers/parents/siblings/ humans have from time to time.  And somewhere in the middle of our slightly energized chat we realized both of us were saying pretty much the same thing:

 “I just never get it right for you.” 

 Ever said something like that?

 Or, you might have said, “You never listen to me.” “You never think about me.” “You never notice me.”  ” You  never appreciate me.”  Etc. 

Here are three questions we can put to comments like these to help us see how viable they are:

1) Did I just EXAGGERATE? 

Any time we use the word NEVER–( or you ALWAYS…) it should be a red flag that perhaps we have engaged our internal “spin doctor” who has just tossed out a desperate comment intended to get a rise out of the other person… a sweeping generalization that FEELS totally accurate to us in the moment.

 This a good time to back up the truck and right size the giant global meaning

 we just gave to a situation that might, upon more objective reflection,

 fit on a U.S. postage stamp.

 2) Is it TRUE? 

We are learning that there is one thing that’s ALWAYS a good idea to QUESTION —and that’s EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THOUGHT we have about others, situations and ourselves.

In our case, we both soon saw that the statement “ I just never get it right for you” was categorically UNTRUE. But it did sneak onto our negative thought trains and took us for a momentary ride.

 Question ALL your negative thoughts and comments.

 Always.

Ask yourself, is this really true?

 But, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION we ask ourselves these days:

 

3) Is what I just said about you actually about ME?

I can’t speak for you, but I am often quite sure about what other people need to do, or not do, how they should live, or think, dress, speak or behave. When I see nothing amiss with me, I have all kinds of time to focus on the “issues” of others around me.

We have 20/20 vision about other people, but we are blind as bats about ourselves. 

We are masters at protecting against what we do not want to see in ourselves so we “project” (just like a movie projector) our own issues on to the people around us. I’m not making this up. We are so defended against seeing our own bad stuff we throw it off on others.

We are CONVINCED the problem is solely with the other person. I mean, anyone can see how at fault they are!

One of the greatest hidden gifts other people are to us is that they actually reflect back to us, the uglier parts of us, those parts we are too afraid to look at on our own.

                         We can learn to see what’s really going on inside us by what we complain about in others.

Some have called this a “turn around.” And they believe EVERYTHING we dislike about someone else is what we dislike in ourselves but just can’t bring ourselves to see or admit it.

 The fault we find in someone else is the fault we cannot find with ourselves.

So, we learn to take our statements like, “She doesn’t like me.” “You don’t understand me.” “You always just think about yourself” etc., and turn them back toward us.

Now those judgements become: “I don’t like her “ or, even more accurate, “I don’t like me.” “I don’t understand you” or “I don’t understand myself.”  “I always just think about me.”

These turn arounds sting. We’re appalled at how these comments sound now and we fiercely fight to believe they are NOT TRUE.

But, if we get still, and sit with them awhile we will see they are true. At least, to some degree.  

By doing “turn arounds” we learn to see our true selves. We nail ourselves by the things we blame on the people around us.

 We project on to others what we don’t want to see about ourselves.

 Jesus had a little to say about this.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”   Matthew 7

If we truly want to GROW and CHANGE… if we want deeply satisfying relationships…if we want lasting transformation…we will no longer turn a blind eye.   We will notice the negative things we accuse others of and turn them around to see finally ourselves.

 I have a done a fair bit of projecting in my life.

 I’m learning a better way.

                                                       It takes guts. And it helps to extend kindness and compassion…to yourself.

Next time you find yourself placing judgments on someone else,

 make an experiment of it,

 try a “turn around”

and see what you discover – big as life- in your own backyard.

 And if you get stuck pointing fingers we are here @youlivetrue.com to help you turn that around. Or, maybe, this is something your team or staff could benefit from learning about and practicing.

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