This week we want to repost a blog we’ve gotten a lot of emails and comments on. Stress is a HUGE issue for so many of us and I wish someone had told me years ago about these three hidden stressors. Let us know what you think.

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I’m coming to see that a great deal of my stress is not caused by circumstances beyond my control – but by my need to control my circumstances.  

I could give you a ton of examples of this ( and so could those brave, intrepid souls who have lived and worked with me 🙂 but one incident that quickly comes to mind is the time a team of us spent three hot, sweaty days preparing for our son’s outdoor wedding reception at the beautiful lakefront home of his in-laws-to-be.

 It was fun and exciting and stressful.

I was the “wedding coordinator.” And we pulled out the stops to make this moment as fabulous as we could imagine, complete with a huge tent, newly constructed dance- floor -deck with those cool dangling lights, a fireworks barge on the lake and giant search lights beaming love into the night sky for all the world, or at least, everyone within 10 miles, to see.

It was glorious.

Until the worst thunderstorm in recorded history suddenly hit… just minutes before the guests were to arrive.  It blew in so fast the caterers had no time to rescue the wedding cake which was pummeled with flying debris of every type including a generous assortment of insects native to Central Florida. Completely full champagne fountains blew over.  Table linens were soaked, candles submerged and flowers I spent days arranging were strewn across the lawn.

I stood in shocked disbelief amongst the remains of what had been

a stunning reception

hoping to salvage anything remotely resembling beauty.

 (Trust me, this is the cliff notes version.)

Meanwhile, the drenched bride, groom, her parents and guests were having a wonderful time snacking on soggy appetizers and listening to the dance trio now set up in the living room. They were making merry, pretty much unfazed by the catastrophe we had all just witnessed. I, however, was having a full-on, mascara-bleeding breakdown.

Ok.

So, what’s really going on when we go bonkers? 

Here are three, hidden causes we’ve found:

1) Shame based stress

This stress is created by our ego need for approval, our need to feel accepted by certain people in our lives or, sometimes, depending on our platform, by the entire world at large.

Maybe, we take on projects to please others or ones that put us in the spotlight or we may deny ourselves the rest we need in order to do something for a boss, friend or family member, whose approval is really important to us. We may go to pieces at the failure of something we’ve worked on or over the disapproval of certain significant others.

At our core we basically feel WE ARE NOT ENOUGH, not good enough, so we must make up for this lack, or cover our feelings of shame by doing, performing, appearing to be an amazing person, able to do or say amazing things. We act in whatever way necessary hoping to prove to people and to ourselves that we are really ok, that we truly are good enough.

2) Fear based stress

This stress is based on our fear that WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH, we need more of something to feel safe. This could mean we work harder than others to acquire MORE money, study harder or stay in school longer to gain MORE education, or we collect more “toys,” or have an insatiable appetite for more information. It can feel like a near addiction at times to possess more material things.

We might get all crazy over a desperate need to eat more, or experience a deep need to make and acquire more and more friends. There is always a fear of not having enough of something. And, in an effort to feel safer, more secure in the world we stress ourselves out trying to obtain that ever- illusive feeling that, finally, we have enough.

3) Guilt base stress

This stress creates a lot of negative self-talk like ” I’m already behind before I’ve even started.” It’s about living into an internal, pre-recorded “script” that says, ” better not waste time” ” you are what you do.” Productivity and accomplishment become a god instead of a virtue. This stress may be trying to disprove a negative comment someone said to you years ago, like, “you’ll never amount to anything.”

So, you’ll show them! And in the process (like my husband, David,) you may visit the emergency room with severe chest pains every couple years because you’re trapped in guilt based stress. Guilt based stress is always coming from the notion ( we picked up somewhere) that WE HAVE NOT YET DONE ENOUGH. 

So, what’s really stressing you out?

Is it really someone else or something else causing you all this tension and pain?

We all have issues with each of these three stressors. But, usually, there is one that does most of the stressing, one primary script that keeps you frazzled, unhappy or all churned up.

Take a few minutes to reflect on your own stressful tendencies and what they are really producing in your life.

*What are you currently doing to create your own tense situations?

* And ( very important ) how is the way you produce your own stress affecting your most important relationships? 

Try sitting a few minutes in quiet and notice how and where your body feels stress. Then without judging yourself, inquire where that tension might originate from.

That horrendous thunderstorm that leveled the reception was not at all what caused the stress I felt over it. But, at the time, that’s all I could see.

I have since learned that I struggle with a debilitating inner belief that I will never be enough. And when things go wrong or go unnoticed after I’ve put lots of “myself” into them, I can tend to get a bit crazy.

The good news is, I am finally finding tremendous help and healing (though I still have some work to do) through the tools and practices we use and teach at youlivetrue.com. 

If you’d like help tracking down the true source of what’s troubling you, we’ve got a terrific diagnostic assessment tool, that can help you identify your stressful tendencies.  Our clients complete the assessment online- then we analyze it. We then set up an initial, one hour consultation, either in person or virtually,  based on your results.  If you’re interested in learning more about this assessment just click this link: Diagnostic Assessment.

Trust me, we get your stress.

You can reach me at [email protected]

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.