Do you, or someone you love, avoid conflict,

confrontation and unpleasant feelings at all costs?

 David and I, come from two completely different backgrounds, a fact, even as 20 and 21 year old newlyweds, we fully anticipated might cause a little friction –now and then.  We expected to fuss a time or two over how to spend money or Christmas or vacations.  But, what seemed to take years to dawn on us was not only did our families do life different, they did love different.  And these differences, at times, set us up for conflict like two well-armored aliens from opposing galaxies.

None of us jump out of bed in the morning plotting to blow up a relationship.  But stuff happens, right?  Invariably, we find ourselves irritated (see part 1) or resistant (part 2) to someone or something that gets in our way

 OR

when things hit the fan we take a third option:

 we avoid conflict, confrontation and

unpleasant feelings

at all costs.

At first glance, an “avoider” can appear almost virtuous; not super argumentative, keeps the peace, the strong silent type.  But often, upon closer inspection, many of these folks become peacekeepers to evade what happens inside them when a situation begins to get overwhelming.

Check out the below list from the book  How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
by Kay and Milan Yerkowich, (& click on title to order it) to help determine if you (or someone you love) is a relational avoider:

_It seems my spouse/others have a lot more emotional needs than I do.

_Events, remarks, and interactions with people that are upsetting to my spouse/others seem like no big deal to me.

_ I don’t have many childhood memories

_ I would describe myself as an independent, self-reliant person

_My spouse complains I don’t show enough affection

_When something bad happens I get over it and move on

_I need my space in relationships and feel annoyed if someone wants to be with me a lot.

_ I like to make decisions on my own.

_ I feel uncomfortable when someone is very emotional, especially if I think I’m supposed to help that person.

_ I have siblings with whom I have little to no contact today

_ I have never felt particularly close to my parents

_ Nothing gets me too bothered or upset

_ I rarely cry

_ I am unaware of certain bodily responses to stress i.e. clenched jaw, crossed arms, constricted breathing, smiling while describing painful events.

 

But, those in relationship with avoiders are thinking very different thoughts, like :

• He is totally ignoring me right now. I’ve just poured out my heart and he just sits there saying nothing.
• That’s one hard- hearted woman.
• Where did he go? A minute ago we were “just talking” and now he’s back on the computer/ in the garage/gone to the gym/gone fishing/going, going, gone _________________?

For avoiders, learning to identify and reveal their feelings can be like decoding a foreign language or tying a right-handed persons hand behind their back and asking them to draw a screaming monkey with their left.  It won’t be easy, but with help and practice an avoider can learn to “ get in touch with their feelings” and, in time, grow a full range of emotions.

If you think you might be a relational avoider,

go on “emotional reconnaissance”

with a few of these questions from How We Love:

1.    What do you experience when someone offers you comfort? Do you have memories of being comforted as a child or adult? Describe them to someone.

2.    Talk about your childhood memories or lack of them with someone or talk about specific traits of your parents or growing up situation that may explain your avoider style.

3.    Rate these feelings as either Hard or Easy to recognize within yourself:

Anger * Fear  * Joy * Guilt  * Hurt * Loneliness * Shame * 

4.    Ask your spouse or close friend to ask “What are you feeling right now?” instead of  “What are you thinking?”

5.    Think about the last time you cried. How old were you? What was happening? When, if ever, might tears have been appropriate but you found yourself unable to cry?

6.    Have someone close to you lovingly help you recognize when you are shutting down or tensing parts of your body.

* Personal word from David: “In many relationships, both personally & professionally, I’ve never had much difficulty expressing what I think or how I feel.  However, in my marriage, I often tended to be the avoider, because of how much I valued peace.  I would sometimes experience intense emotion but I rarely was able to ‘own’ it and then express it.  Part of my problem was that I had come to identify some of those feelings as ‘sinful’ when in fact, they weren’t sinful, they were just some authentic part of me that I needed to be aware of… so I could find out why they were there… so I could then do something besides bury them.  What I’ve now come to see is that what we don’t ‘own’ ends up ‘owning’ us!  My avoiding days are long behind me now and my life and marriage have been greatly enhanced because of it.”

• Here’s where you get to talk back.  Do you or someone you know have an avoider relational style? How’s that working?