As David and I began to work through snags in our relational story we saw the critical role our emotions have played. Where I could easily (let’s make that too easily) express my emotions, David often kept, particularly his negative feelings tightly reigned in.

From his early years David had unconsciously trained himself to deny or ignore certain “bad” emotional signals. Later, we learned, he had adopted a belief that he wasn’t “allowed” to feel or express certain negative emotions—he held to an unseen, inner rule -he wasn’t even aware of – that went something like this: 

I cannot be angry. 

Being angry is wrong, unacceptable for me,

it’s unchristian, unbecoming.

I’m supposed to be like Jesus,

which means I’m supposed to be growing more divine and less human.

(…which by the way is a common misunderstanding of the goal of Christian maturity,

which we’ll talk about another time…) 

Other people can get angry. But being mad is just not okay for me. 

So, when David did actually get angry he often said he was merely “frustrated” (because he could not possibly “be angry.”) 

Other feelings were also difficult for David to get in touch with at times, which we are finding more and more, is common for a lot of people. 

We ignore or deny our emotions for a whole host of reasons. Sometimes, we wear our ability to hide our emotions like a badge of honor. On one hand we might feel superior to people who freely and openly express their feelings and on the other hand we might feel envious of them.   

It is HUGELY important that we learn to fully and honestly express our true feelings in a healthy, non-destructive way. 

We all need to feel safe enough, with at least a few people, to express ourselves, even our most negative self, without fear of being disowned or chastised. Learning to LiveTrue, relationally, means I’m in touch with and I can own and honestly express all my feelings. 

It’s so critical for those of us in relationship with someone who may be dismissing some part of their feelings, to provide a safe place for those emotions to feel validated, even encouraged without fear of retribution or losing face. 

 So, how are you at naming your emotions? Do you put a nice spin on your “bad emotions?” Is it hard to pinpoint exactly what you are feeling sometimes?  Are you in a relationship where you are afraid to voice your true feelings? 

As we’ve navigated the waters of our own emotional story and, in our work with leaders and couples, we’ve seen how helpful it can be to keep a basic list of emotions close by, to use as a reference.

Sounds crazy, but, you’d be surprised how many people cannot put a finger on what they’re feeling, or, when they do try to name it they tip toe out there making it sound not as bad as it truly is. 

Check this out– Many of us are sharp, quick thinkers who can say what we THINK ABOUT something without missing a beat— and from that we believe we are truly representing our FEELINGS on the subject. 

What we THINK about something and how that something makes us FEEL

are two completely different things! 

Understanding and expressing our FEELINGS is VITAL as we grow our spiritual and relational lives.  Our feelings are actually the engine that drives us, not the caboose that tags along, as we once believed. Our earliest and most formative memories, psychologists tell us, are formed by the emotions we attach to them—but again I digress–another topic for another day.  

Here is the list of 8 Basic Emotions we give our clients when they can’t put their finger on exactly how they are feeling.  Yes, there are a lot more emotions we could list but we feel having less to choose from makes the decision a bit easier. Plus, many other emotions fall under most of these categories.

*** NOTE: This list also works well if you’re helping a child explore how they are feeling about something going on in their life —-except we think you may want to add the feeling of “Hunger” to their list. 🙂 

1) Hurt

2) Anger

3) Loneliness

4) Shame

5) Sadness

6) Fear

7) Guilt

8) Gladness

We keep this list close at hand and encourage others to do the same. When we get stuck trying to express to one another what we really mean we go down this list as a way of getting in touch with what’s actually going on inside us.  A number of folks have said how incredibly helpful this simple tool has been in their relationships.

Give it try. 

If communicating your real feelings feels “complicated” to you or someone you know, we’re here to help you dig out the True You. Contact us today @youlivetrue.com for a consultation. 

And to help you further get in touch with the Truest You- sign up to receive your FREE VIDEO series, 5 DAYS TO YOUR TRUE SIGNIFICANCE on our website: youlivetrue.com