Category Archives: Loss

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The Worst/Best Advice If You’ve Been Wronged

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Over the course of my life things have happened to me, people have done things to me that have frightened me, angered me and broken my heart. I had legitimate hurt worthy of comfort and understanding.

Replaying the tapes of the wrongs that were done became my obsession.

Maybe you know something about that, too.

And when these lovely things happen to us there always seems to be a wise cracking person in the crowd (with no trace of blood on their clothes) saying…

Just let it go.

We hear this phrase a lot. It has a nice ring to it. We think it’s probably a good idea— for other people. We tell ourselves that strategy won’t work in our situation. Our situation is different, more complicated, more drastic or sad or life-altering or special.

So we hold on to “it.” This seems like the best plan.

Anyway, to let “it”go would be just plain wrong, way too easy. It’s such a juvenile cliche. To just drop something of this magnitude would be downright irresponsible, would it not? People need to know what this wrong has done to us. Someone or something that caused us this much heartache can’t just walk away scot free.

That is not happening.

Someone’s got to pay for this.

So, we strengthen our grip. And we build a bigger fortress for our suffering.

Somehow, we imagine if we hold out longer our opponent, our tormentor, our adversary will finally get the full picture of what they’ve done.

Surely they will finally SEE what they have caused here. The catastrophic damage. The injustice of it all.

If we dismiss our case against them it would mean that all the pain or money or sleeplessness we’ve gone through would be for nothing. Nada. Nil.

We cannot have that.

Besides, everyone knows it’s the whole principle of the thing. And if you lose your principles, what do you have? Values must be upheld. If we “just let everything go” the entire world would go straight to pot. Pandemonium in the streets. We could never get it all back under control. There must be standards, procedures, ways we treat people, you know, Roberts Rules of Order, The Bill of Rights, The Ten Commandments, that sort of thing.

Yet, we must admit it IS tempting, at times, to let go …a little. The energy required to stay enraged, outraged and engaged in this standoff is depleting our best resources. Scientists tell us, by “holding on” we are literally changing the chemistry of our brain. In a bad way.  It is a proven fact now. We are actually giving ourselves brain damage when we rehearse over and over a wrong that has been done to us.

Well, we snap back. We never asked to be brain damaged.

                                                                                    Hell no, we won’t let go.

Whoever said “just let it go” hasn’t lived our story, that’s for sure.

——-

Jesus said ( with his hands and feet brutally nailed to a Roman cross)
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Mark 10

“…if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them…”
Mark 11

“Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”
Matt. 7

———–

Letting go of a wound is the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves. And it is the most Christ-like thing we will ever do for someone else.  But, sometimes, it feels impossible. We truly understand this. That’s why we’re here to help.

What or Whom do you need to let go?

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

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Are You Black & White or Fifty Shades of Gray?

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In the early days of processing my husband’s betrayal I rejected his vehement declarations that went something like this:

 “Even though I did this, you need to believe me, I never, ever stopped loving you.” 

Yeah, right. There was no way I was buying that.

We just don’t say we love someone and do something so utterly and horribly unloving. 

Or do we?

One of several things that saved our marriage was my learning to hold,

simultaneously

BOTH my husbands many obvious virtues AND this one unthinkable vice. 

 

Like many people, I had often seen my world in black and white. You’re either for us OR against us. You like me OR you don’t. You’re good OR you’re bad. You’re either right OR you’re wrong. It’s either all OR nothing.

I had little capacity for complexity or a healthy, integrated, middle ground. 

 So…

 He was either a loving, godly husband OR an awful, lying cheat.

….an honorable pastor OR a sinful man

…a man of God OR a tool of the enemy.

 

In my hurt and disorientation I could not see the TRUTH of PARADOX:

two opposing statements that are BOTH TRUE at the same time. 

 

Like this familiar statement that most Christians would agree with:

~Jesus was both God and man.

As Mary once said, “But how can this be?”

The same way you can be both a father and a son or a mother and a daughter or a teacher and and an artist or …a Christian and a sinner.

Two different aspects of the same person co-existing. This is called “BOTH AND” or Non-dualistic or “AMPERSAND ( & ) THINKING.” With ampersand thinking you can learn to accept the horror that your loving husband has ALSO been unfaithful, or that your esteemed pastor has ALSO morally failed. 

It means that SIN NEVER CANCELS OUT the GOODNESS in a person’s soul.

It means you can see both aspects of a situation without judging it all one way or the other.

It means you are learning to see how you, too, have goodness & compromise in certain areas of your life.

In her excellent article, “How Can He Do This and Say He Loves Me,” Debbie Lasser describes her own growth in understanding “how can this be?” after discovering her husband’s failures:

” With greater education about (stress) and trauma…I learned how the brain can literally ‘dissociate’ and close off certain memories or behaviors while others take over. I learned that pain, fear, and anger can distract one temporarily from healthy behaviors to choose behaviors to comfort and survive.

I slowly began to believe that betrayal is complicated—not black-and-white. When my worldview expanded to include other possibilities to my simple and legalistic thinking of the past, I could take in the both/and truths of (my husband) Mark’s behaviors: he did love me AND he was medicating some extraordinary pain with unhealthy behaviors.

…embracing ampersand thinking was what led me to stay with my husband. What I knew was that I was in tremendous pain from his infidelity AND I truly loved him. Speaking up about that pain and getting support allowed me to hold the tension of both truths—and to choose to stay and work toward a new life of faithfulness with Mark.” 

Living in the tension of two opposite truths about a person we love or a situation we care about requires a journey through complexity. Most of us don’t like that. That’s too much work, too much mystery. Too much letting go of our need to be right.

We want simple, absolute certainty.

Like, get on or get off the bus.

 Why should I see fifty shades of gray when life can be so much clearer in black or white? 

 

Because REAL LIFE is never just black or white.

 

God Himself is not Father OR Son OR Holy Spirit— but all three in One Person at the same time. A fairly mysterious, simultaneous complexity.

But God is perfect, you say. What about our fallible friends & spouses & family? Do we just OVERLOOK their sin?!

We never overlook pain or unhealthy behavior.

And yet as we do that we also see how our perfect God handles OUR SINS  by receiving, welcoming & holding BOTH our dark & light- the first time, every time for all time.

(Psalm 139:12 …the darkness and the light are both alike to You.)

When this has been gifted to us– where do we get permission to see & hold each other any other way?

 

My journey to embrace the paradox has not been easy. 

But it has made ALL the difference.

It made forgiveness & compassion & complete restoration of our marriage possible.

So, I’m wondering today what situation or relationship with others or even your own view of yourself has you thinking in black and white? Is that bringing you closer to understanding and resolution or is it being destructive, hurtful, limiting, punishing and exclusive?

Sadly, so many marriages, families, friendships, churches and businesses

are being fatally severed by well-meaning but divisive people entrenched in either/or thinking.  

We all need help to learn how to see a hurtful situation or relationship with more clarity, find a better balance to what feels like opposites, to gain insight, compassion and love. We can’t just read a good book or talk with a friend if we hope to rewire years and years of reinforced patterns of black and white thinking.

That’s why we’re here. Let us help you learn how to see and hold what feels like polar opposites with healing grace and truth.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected].

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

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Where IS God When the Stuff Hits the Fan?

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In the early months of the worst crisis of my life, God went AWOL.

Seriously. I was in shambles and God was a no show.

Thanks, I told God, for feeling the freedom to high tail it out of here

leaving me to fend for myself in this snake infested quicksand of catastrophe.

Being in literal, physical shock had a lot to do with my utter disconnect.

But, there were also a whole lot of questions I really needed answers to …..like….

why would you, God, put a sweet girl like me in a mess like this? I mean, You SAW all this coming right?

In the famous words of that great saint, Ricky Ricardo,

God had some “splaining” to do.

Sometimes, God does seem to ignore us in our most desperate hours.

I hate that.

And sorry, Carrie Underwood, great song, but why would I ever let

Jesus Take The Wheel

when it looks like he keeps falling asleep?

I hope you’ve never felt like God abandoned you

or experienced confusion over his whereabouts when bad news showed up at your door.

But, if you have, I want to pass along a few things I am learning:

1) Jesus said, ‘ No good tree bears bad fruit‘

which we can pretty safely rely on to mean: “no Good God makes anything bad.” Hmm.

You mean, God does not cause bad things to happen to good people?

Like God did not “take my sister to heaven”

because heaven needed her more than we did?

No. God is a Giver, not a taker.

This is not God trying to teach us a lesson,

or take away someone or something we love more than we love him

because he is a “jealous God.”

God is Good. God only gives Goodness.

2) When hard things happen God is not “causing” them –

but, hang on-

consider -also-  that God might not be “preventing” them either.

 Whaaat?

I thought God is supposed to protect us.

(It may have something to do with our idea of “protection.”)

But, from the beginning, God gifted us with a powerful thing called

free will.

 Yay! I am free

to live and explore and love and enjoy my life as much as I please.

 

I LOVE MY FREE WILL!

And…THEY are also free to make ugly faces, ignore, judge, hate,

neglect, abuse, even murder someone

with that same lovely free will.

Oh, yikes.

 I HATE YOUR FREE WILL!

The gifts of God are irrevocable–God doesn’t have a return policy on free will-

just like -thankfully- there are no returns on God’s love.

We are free to hurt each other till the cows come home

and God is not a rabid referee blowing the whistle at every little foul thing.

This is an eternal spiritual “law’ written in the Universe. For everyone.

We don’t get our free will revoked for wreckless living.

So-that stinks in stinky situations.

This is one case where it appears we can’t it both ways.

3) God “allowed” the potential for our suffering when God gave us all free will.

AND God, knowing this would be the case

has made provision for us whenever heartache comes.

 Jesus reminds us of God’s promise to never leave us or forsake us,

regardless of what the free-willed world dumps on us.

 God is ever-present in times of trouble.
Which I now translate to mean:

Whatever comes– God comes with it.

God is ever present to our pain and suffering, our fear and disappointment

and God comes right in there with it to overwhelm us

with Great Goodness, Grace & Hope.

This is what it really means to be able to say

‘With God ALL things are possible.’

The focus is always ‘with God.’

 When we acknowledge, when we sink our full weight into the reality

that God With Us, is ever- in us strengthening,

Ever-over us comforting, ever-under us carrying,

it almost hardly matters what situation we face.

God -for sure -has got us fully covered.

Our job –the hardest part

–is to release our resistance to what is happening

& allow God’s Comfort & Goodness

to carry us through the day of trouble without our fighting it.

God cannot cause our suffering and may not prevent it.

But God sees it, knows it, feels it and redeems it.

 God overwhelms whatever overwhelms us with Himself.

When we can find God’s presence in our pain

God is able to carry us through anything.

 If you find yourself in times of trouble, conflict or brokenness

or if you sense there must be a better way to do this life

let us @youlivetrue.com be part of God’s being present to you. Contact us.

And Thanks! for passing this blog on

to someone you think might be interested.

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How Breaking Bad Could Be Good For You

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By Caron Loveless

“Over and over, we are broken on the shore of life. Our stubborn egos are knocked around, and our frightened hearts are broken open.   When you feel yourself breaking down may you break open instead.”

 Elizabeth Lesser

Somewhere along the way we latched on to the idea that “broken is bad.” It probably started in childhood when we got the stink-eye for breaking Aunt Wilma’s Waterford crystal or when the neighbor came bounding over suspicious that we knew something about his shattered window. Or, maybe, it got reinforced when a parent yelled, “ Do you have any idea how much that toy cost?”

However it happened,

we learned our lesson;

broken things bother and embarrass us.

Bad.

We wear hats on bad hair days, hide broken fingernails, dump dull marriages, and avoid hospitals like the plague. When our car breaks down it’s a “clunker,” and if the vacuum quits we’d rather buy a new one than spend $29.95 to get it fixed.

We have little tolerance for brokenness, especially in our own lives.  It’s doesn’t speak well of us. We’d rather lie, cover up, and gloss over what’s really going on rather than have folks think things aren’t pretty.  And somewhere (we should really track this down) we got the idea that failed or messed up people can’t claim they love Jesus. Or, worse, they don’t deserve to.

Whaaattt?

Did anyone ask Jesus?

Ok, it sort of makes sense to our puny human minds that the Sinless Son of God would steer way clear of anything less than perfect. But, last time I checked, Jesus was totally attracted to bad, messed up, shameful people.

That is not a misprint.

Quick review: The most sickly, unseemly people got Jesus’ attention.  Blind eyes, deaf ears, and outcasts – did not repel him, they compelled him. He preferred to dine with the destitute, call on the crippled and welcome the wayward. The baddest man in the region? Jesus is headed to his house. A compromised woman with perfume?  He says, you watch, this girl will be famous.

Friends, Jesus doesn’t badmouth our brokenness. 

Even if we should have known better.

Then, why is it, when the sorry shambles of our life breaks public, we think we’re done?  Or, if someone we know turns up tainted, we run?

Where, I ask again, did we learn this?

Jesus is a lover and gatherer of the broken, splintered pieces of what was our life (get this: even if it used to be known far and wide as an exemplary, lovely Christ-honoring life) and like a master artisan; he finds a way to refit and restore what is left into something surprising, breathtaking, new.  He says he gives beauty for ashes and gladness for tears. And from all those nasty shards he makes something so purely whole that it shows off his glory like streaming sunlight through an old church window. Come on.

Don’t be ashamed of your brokenness.

As crazy as it sounds,

and as impossible as it looks,

what you’ve got there is fresh material for a masterpiece.

“ The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. Because he did anoint me; to proclaim good news to the poor, sent me to heal the broken of heart, to proclaim to captives deliverance, And to blind, receiving of sight, to send away the bruised with deliverance, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”  Jesus.  Luke 4:18-19 (YLT)

“Over and over, we are broken on the shore of life. Our stubborn egos are knocked around, and our frightened hearts are broken open—not once, and not in predictable patterns, but in surprising ways and for as long as we live.   

When you feel yourself breaking down may you break open instead.”

Elizabeth Lesser

We are here to continue the grace-laced, restoring legacy of Jesus. And if you feel the need for some of that we know where to get some—-contact us at www.kairoscollective.com

(Painting by mjmccarthy)

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4 Gains In The Death Of A Loved One

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In the past 4 weeks, we’ve lost two important people in our lives:  Caron’s sister, Leslie, and our great friend and long time ministry partner, Bernard Deloach, whose memorial service is tomorrow at Discovery Church, Orlando, the very place we had the joy and privilege, and, sometimes, pain of serving the Lord together for 25 years. It’s been a really tough month.

Losing these gigantic players from our lives is catastrophic.

After the passing of Caron’s sister, several weeks ago, I blogged about how we all will face, more than a few times, the mystery of suffering through loss in, “Where is God In Our Loss?

While losing someone close to us is probably one of the most challenging spiritual trials we’ll ever go through, in the case of our sister and friend, there has, also, at the same time, been exponential gain for them.

The Apostle Paul wrote something that initially sounds bizarre to us on this side of eternity.

 Phil 1:21  “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

Paul wasn’t pontificating while lounging at a Four Seasons resort when He wrote this.  When he wrote this letter, he was in the dire circumstances of imprisonment- knowing he’s been sentenced to death and chained to a Roman guard. He is getting ready to meet death and yet he shouts with victory-

“to die is gain.”

Bernard and Leslie lived much of this past year as prisoners in bodies that were fighting off disease.

What could they possibly gain?  And what will we gain when we face death one day?  

 

1)   Bernard and Leslie gained a better body. And, so will we – a glorified, resurrected body.

2 Corinthians 5:1-4  “The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow.  But the things we can’t see now will last forever.  For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven- God made, not handmade- and we’ll never have to relocate our “tents” again.  

Sometimes, we can hardly wait to move- and so we cry out in frustration.  Compared to what’s coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we’re tired of it.  We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies.”

Because of Jesus, death must always give way to resurrection.  And with resurrection all things are made new—first, it’s a better body, one that never grows old, knows no disease, suffers no pain, is perfect in every way, and best of all, never dies again.

Finally, all that medical paraphernalia that has surrounded Bernard and Leslie is gone!

 

2) Bernard and Leslie gain a better home/better environment, and one day, so will we.

Leslie loved nature’s beauty… loved the beach…. She loved the tranquility of her home and backyard… but if she could communicate with us now, she would tell us that those lovely creations we see now are actually just a teaser for what is to come: the Pure,True Beauty of an endless garden, the grandest, grace-built home imaginable, a shimmering, shining city in an endless kingdom of everlasting joy.

John 14:1-3.Don’t let your heart be troubled.. In my Father’s house are many dwelling places…I go to prepare a place for you.

The Bible actually lets us know, in multiple places, that spending eternity in the most amazing place you could imagine… includes the most mind-blowing beauty and stunning perfection, where people worship… play…work.. serve.. eat.. drink… rest.. travel…all in the delightful presence of our Heavenly Dad.

A great book on the topic of heaven is “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn.

3) Bernard and Leslie gained the most amazing Person, as well as the ultimate realization that they have actually been a participant with Him in the greatest story ever told.  

They will spend, and so will you, if your heart is open, eternity with the most amazing person you ever hoped to be with, in the most amazing place you could ever dream of.

Who is this person?

I’ve never found a better way of expressing who He is than  S.M. Lockrige’s incredible description:

“He’s the King of the ages, He’s the King of Heaven. He’s the King of glory.

He’s enduringly strong. He’s entirely sincere. He’s eternally steadfast. He’s immortally graceful. He’s imperially powerful. He’s impartially merciful.  He’s the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world.  He’s a sinner’s Savior. He’s the centerpiece of civilization. He’s unparalleled. He’s unprecedented. 

He is the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him. He’s the only one qualified to be an all-sufficient Savior.  He supplies strength for the weak. He’s available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He strengthens and sustains. He guards and He guides.  

He forgives sinners. He discharges debtors. He delivers the captives. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meager 

He’s the key to knowledge. He’s the wellspring of wisdom. He’s the doorway of deliverance. He’s the pathway of peace. He’s the roadway of righteousness. He’s the highway of holiness.

I wish I could describe Him to you but… He’s indescribable. He’s incomprehensible, He’s invincible. He’s irresistable. Well, you can’t get him out of your mind. You can’t you can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive him. And You can’t live without Him.”

Are you kidding me?!!!!

Can I get a “yes, yes” to that?  He IS THAT and so much farther beyond even our most intelligent comprehension

—He  is THE One Bernard and Leslie have now fully gained!

The same One, we too, are now in the process of obtaining a little bit more, day by day by day. 

Think About This:

The sadness we feel with the loss of a loved one cracks us wide open to a new and larger space… a never before known interior place of opportunity that allows God to invade us — gives him access to our all our pain and our sorrow so he can share it with us—and it gives him a new way to enter all those other places inside us that still need his healing and resurrection.

 

4) So, there is gain in this loss for us, too.

Let’s not waste our sorrows.


Painting by Hedi Malott   http://hmalott.blogspot.com

 

 

 

 

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Where Is God In Our Loss

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Last week, we held a memorial service for my sister-in-law, Leslie Chandler Robinson.  It was hard.  It was hard on multiple fronts.  The first, most gut wrenching one was the fact that her transfer from here to heaven, feels like a tragic loss to those of us left behind.

 Here was a woman who had grown into one of the most life-giving people you would ever want to know.  Her enthusiasm for life… her delight in her family and friends…her care and compassion for everyone she met…her commitment to God and his people, made you feel like she should be one of the last to go.

Yet, in a matter of six months, this perfectly healthy, middle-age wife,mother, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, cousin and friend, went from taking a common antibiotic which led to a photo toxic reaction which led to sepsis in her bloodstream …and then she was gone.

 She fought hard.

We are having trouble picturing life without her.

At the memorial service, I talked about the suffering and loss we are feeling and the gains that God is giving Leslie.  

Right now, in this post, let’s take a look at our loss:

 

First, there’s the big “Why?!” question and what happened to all those prayers hundreds and hundreds of us were praying for her?

When we, who believe in God, go through painful experiences we’re bound to struggle. We say or think things like, “I thought God was good all the time.” “I thought God loved me.” Or “If God watches over me, cares about me, how could He let this happen to me or to this precious person I love?” 

All this is a natural response to our suffering.

 The paradox of what we see both in scripture and in our lives is that we live in mystery.  

The mystery of the cross shows us that whatever it means that “God watches over us”-  it doesn’t mean that God prevents tragic things … cruel things.. unfair things from happening.

We see this when God allowed His own son Jesus to go through a tragic, cruel, and unfair death on a cross. Even though Jesus felt abandoned in his darkest hour, God’s silence did not mean He was absent in that moment.

Actually, God was anything but absent!

In our times of greatest need God carries us through the intimate depths of the tragic thing itself and continues to do so in every moment of our lives until the experience or death itself transforms into something miraculous, mysterious, breathtaking.

The people, who prayed for Leslie, entered into her suffering through their prayers. They joined with God in compassion for her. They asked God to be near her- and He was, and to heal her- and He did.  He just answered our prayers in a different way than what we thought was best.

Either way Leslie needed a miracle. I can think of nothing more miraculous than a soul’s transfer from earth into the eternal Presence of God.  All the while, the rest of us grew in our compassion and selflessness, becoming even more God-like in the process. She got a greater gift than we could ourselves believe for.

Either way, it’s all gift.

1 Cor 3: 22-23  Everything is already yours as a gift—the world, life, death, the present, the future—all of it is yours, and you are privileged to be in union with Christ… 

Our lives are gifts supernaturally given to us. But, the circumstances of our life don’t always seem like a gift nor do they indicate how God feels about us.

 Rom 8:38-39 says that “I am convinced that neither death nor life…things present nor things to come, nor any power can separate us from the love of God.”

God’s constant and final word on how He feels about us is- Love… as revealed by the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross… not by whatever pain, sorrow or trouble we may face.

The profound paradox and mystery of earthly life is – there will always be the simultaneous co- existence of deep suffering and loss, mingled with intense love and joy.

And here is another mystery: Our God is all at one time in Christ both a conquering, victorious Savior and also a humanly suffering servant. What a paradox!  He both suffers WITH us and FOR us… But then, gets us THROUGH it.

Ours mind can’t fully comprehend paradox. They were not designed to. Only the soul can hold these competing mysteries and be transformed by the experience. 

While God’s original design and desire for us was never to suffer, it is often through suffering that God carries us deeper into an understanding of who we are in Him and Who He is in us.

Song of Solomon 8 seems to sum up every resurrection we experience with Jesus: “Love is stronger than death.” 

Love will win.  Love is all that remains. ANYONE who has walked through any type of personal death (and there are many forms of it) will tell you how TRUE this is.

That’s why suffering in and of itself never gets the last word. In Christ, death always, every time, gives way to a resurrection.

In Him there is always life. There is always hope. There is much beauty even on the other side of suffering like hell.

In fact, the Bible promises that EVERY horrible thing that ever happened

will not only be UNDONE and REPAIRED, but will in some way make the joy beyond it even greater!

 

This is what Leslie’s family and friends are clinging to this week:  with Jesus, we find the power to hold the pain of life until it transforms us and resurrects us.

If you feel you need some help in seeing the transformation God is at work on right now in your own situation, email us for a consultation @kairoscollective.com.

Next post: What Leslie gained through our loss.