Our last blog was a sweet little take on 8 Ways to Give Better Feedback. Getting good at giving feedback is a significant life skill we can all use whether we’re an employer, parent or …a heat-seeking HOA president. (more on him below)

Giving feedback is easy.

But what does it take to receive feedback…

without embarrassment, anger, tears, defensiveness, sharpening your ninja blades,

or bingeing on double chocolate cake? 

Well, I’m working on that. Most of my life, I’ve been horrible at this.   

When some of us hear we’re missing the mark in anything, even if it’s done in the sweetest, most tender way, it feels like an all out personal attack. We are the ultra sensitive lot and we hang out on the far end of what I’ll call the FSM. (Feedback Sensitivity Meter.)

At the opposite end are The Few, The Proud, The Brave who cannot wait to get their job performance review because:  a) they’re sure they’ve knocked it out of the park   b)they can’t wait to take the next hill in their personal development.

Can we just agree not to like those people? 

On a scale of 1-10 where would you put yourself on the Feedback Sensitivity Meter?

 

>———————————————————–<

 

(1– you’re oblivious to criticism, 10-you need serious meds before any corrective encounter)

 

* What might your direct report say about the number you chose?

* Your friends?

* Your siblings?

* Your roommate?

* Your spouse?

 

If you think you’re between a 1-4 —ask some of the folks above to confirm

your impression and give yourself a high-five.

If you think you’re between a 5-10—keep reading. 

 

First thing we always hear when someone has correction to offer us is…

“Don’t take this personal, but….”

In the famous words of Kathleen Kelly to Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, “All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s personal to a lot of people. Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” 

 

 

Many of us already spend a lot time in our heads in self-criticism. Some of us lived in critical, abusive or unsupportive homes as kids. We are always on alert, reactive to the sting of even well-intentioned feedback. Deep inside, we believe we are flawed and any confirmation of this, like someone suggesting personal improvement, can feel humiliating.

So, how can we open ourselves up to constructive feedback about

our work, our habits, our communication style…our flaws?

A number of significant shifts need to happen in the core of our soul. Our foundation is cracked. Our anchor is loose. The honest truth is some part of us needs to be spiritually and emotionally re-parented.

Oh great, you say. I’ll just add THAT to the calendar for next week.

 Yeah, that needs to be seriously looked at, but in the meantime start here:

– OBSERVE the way you filter information coming toward you.   

Each of us has a personality pattern that receives incoming comments through a uniquely constructed, subconscious filter.

You can say all day long that the grass is green but if I’ve got amber sunglasses on I’m going insist the grass looks gold.  Our unique personality style colors everything we see and hear.

There are nine different personality filters and in our LIVE TRUE Personality & Relational Styles Workshop we teach the beauty and the distortion each type brings to the table.

Once we see the predictable filter we use to hear feedback 

we can better adjust our reactions to other points of view.

 A view point is simply a view from a point. If I am at one place on a mountain in Switzerland I can see a whole lot of the landscape. But, I only see what my view point allows me to see.  Someone else on another spot on the same mountain will have different vistas to report.

When we learn to receive feedback in an undefended way it opens us up to so many (at least 8 other) ways of viewing our life, our work and our relationships. Each persons view is valid. And each of us is convinced our view point offers the best perspective.

But, it’s just our view from our point on the mountain.

To map the whole mountain we need other eyes on the topography. 

When we argue, often it’s because both parties are seeing the same mountain from two different points. We both see it correctly. Perfectly. And we spend enormous energy trying to convince each other our view is the best. 

True spiritual and emotional maturity is learning to seek and

accept the valid perspective of others. 

They help us see and complete “The True Picture of Us.” They see us from their spot on the mountain. They report to us what we cannot possibly see on our own.

 And it helps if they do this in love.

A few months ago I was coming home from an errand with two grandkids in the backseat. Taylor -seven.  JD-five. Because I firmly believe every car ride with a child must be educational, conversational or recreational I proposed a game as we pulled into our subdivision.

“I bet I can make it into our driveway before you can count to ten.” 

Always up for a challenge the kids start counting, and after seeing no oncoming cars, I take a quick short cut, a left turn onto our street….instead of going all the way around the appropriate roundabout at the intersection.

For ten delightful seconds there was great fun in the car

and I pulled victoriously into our driveway right at the shout of “TEN!”

Then a car screeched to a halt in front of our house and a man bolted up our driveway. And without so much as a ” Good afternoon, ” he burst out yelling,

“Do you know what you just did back there?!” 

“uhhh..I’m sorry..” (What in the world– I think- my blood hitting boil) ” and you are….?”

“Do you realize that was against the law?! You must use the roundabout. Someone could have been hurt back there.”

“Oh for goodness, sake!!!  There were no other cars in sight. And, who, sir, might you be?” 

“I am Helmut Weinerhowzer- President of the Homeowners Association. We are trying to run a nice, respectable neighborhood here. We can’t have people breaking the law! 

Adrenalin is now shooting out my pores, “Well, I assure you, sir, I AM a respectable neighbor and….”

At this point, David hears commotion outside and comes to investigate. And after seeing the man’s outrage he says in his best imitation of Solomon,

 ” I see. And was anyone hurt in this incident?” 

“Well, no. But, they could have been…it’s my job to see that things are done right.  I even pick up the trash on the tennis court. We just want a nice, decent neighborhood.” 

 “I’m sure you do a great job at that and I can assure you that’s the kind of neighborhood we want as well. I don’t believe you’ll have any trouble in the future with illegal driving from us. Thanks for stopping by.” 

“Ok, well. I’m just trying to do my job.” 

They shake hands like two guys after a pick up game.

I barely tag the man’s hand, my heart racing, my eyes blazing hot. 

Our local neighborhood watchdog just dropped by that afternoon to offer me a bit of constructive feedback from his unique point of view. And he truly had one —I never even saw his car because he was driving right behind me.

I stand corrected.

* Whose perspective have you been discounting? What have you observed about the way you filter correction directed to you?

If you could use a little help seeing the bigger picture, a larger perspective of your church, staff, team, marriage or yourself, we’re here to help you.

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

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