The other night, Caron and I had a little birthday celebration with our long time friends; Brian and Lorrie Ann. Lorrie Ann and I share the same birthday and during the appetizers Brian got the idea for each of us to share one word that described each decade of our life.  Caron and I just smiled.  This is exactly what we’ve been doing together for the last few weeks, in a more extended way, using Storyline with Donald Miller.

We’ve done other life story exercises in leadership contexts over the years and, once again, this process is providing us fresh empathy and support for one another, further enhancing our relationship with each other, with God, as well as giving us better insight into ourselves.  

We all search for the meaning of our lives.  Our story contains some really great clues.  When we write or tell someone about the events, people and experiences we’ve had, it unlocks more of the mystery that makes us the person we’ve become and why we relate to others in some of the ways we do.

 “At the heart of our story is our relational blueprint.”

But, hold on, I hear you saying, remembering my old stuff won’t help me with my current stuff.  I get you.  So, think about it this way: if your desire is healthy, vibrant relationships with God, your spouse, your kids & your friends now, being willing to embrace the good, bad, and ugly parts of your before, is a primary way you can get there.

But, you might say, my story has painful memories; I get sad when I revisit them. For many of us, with difficult backgrounds, this is true. But, can I tell you one of the most profound things I’ve learned in recent years?

 Whatever I disown -about me or my story-

will, eventually, come to own me.

 THIS is why I’ve needed to, and you need to, own not just parts but ALL of your story.  This helps us integrate ALL we’ve lived within ourselves and within God’s presence.  And how well we integrate has the potential to positively impact the quality of ALL our relationships.

 So HOW can you begin the story process?

 1.  Be honest with yourself about your story. 

In their excellent book, The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection
Richard Plass and Jim Cofield point out that there are at least three important elements in our story.

* List events that happened.

What great memories do you have?  Think of 1-2 of the most important, for each decade of your life. Where were you?  Who were you with?

What painful memories do you have? Think of 1-2 of the most important, for each decade of your life. Where were you?  Who were you with?

Example of a painful event: “In a high school basketball game, I got confused on defense and made a shot toward the opponents basket.” (Yes, I really did that.)

* List some emotions you felt in light of those events

Now think about the emotions you felt during & after these events. Emotions like: shame, sadness, joy, hope, fear, or anxiety?  This is important because whatever you felt about primary events in your life has given shape to how you understand yourself now.

Example of painful emotions: “Felt deeply embarrassed & ashamed for this mistake.”

* What is your interpretation (what do you tell yourself now)  in light of the events & emotions?

How we emotionally experienced an event impacts our interpretation of it.  This interpretation, a view we carry around in us, is our way of explaining it to ourselves and others.  

We all tend to exaggerate or diminish important parts of our lives.

For our relationships to thrive, something has to ‘happen’ to the way we view our story. Our interpretation of it must be changed so that it aligns with God’s redemptive view of it.  This will profoundly impact my relationship  with Him and others.

We see this happen in the Old Testament story of Joseph.  He was able to re-interpret the tragedies in his life into this statement: “You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Gen 50:20

Example of a inaccurate interpretation of my basketball story: “I’m a horrible basketball player.  I should never play  again ” OR “I’m not adequate as a person. Whenever I try to do something good, it often turns out bad, because, basically, I am bad.”

2.  Share your story with a spouse, friend, or a trusted counselor.  We are relational beings who are both hurt and healed by our relationships.  So, by telling our story to someone else, we can further understand it and recalibrate it.  Most of us are great OBSERVERS of our lives, but very poor INTERPRETERS. We need healthy, wise input from others who can help us see our story through more unbiased lenses.

3.  Take your whole story to God.  Obviously we aren’t trying to inform God of something He is unaware of.  But doing this facilitates several things.  First, when we own primary parts of our story it can create greater depth in our relationship with God.  Remember when God asked Adam: “Where are you?”  Adam answered with an acknowledgement of where he was. There was ownership and reconnection.

Second, bringing your story to God allows Him access to you, to care for you and your story.  Everything you have lived is “held” in God.  He wants to “hold your story” by holding you, loving you, comforting you, and healing you. And then He wants you to “participate” in His Story, which has the power to re-interpret and transform ours.

God wants the interpretation we’ve given ours, to be viewed through His redeeming lens.  Through a less-distorted lens, we can better relate to Him, others, and ourselves in more life-giving ways.

Do you want to bring your relational blueprint into better focus?   Block out several segments of time, over the next several weeks, and walk through the process above.  Then, take  your story to God and at least one trusted friend.

*** Often, we find need some help from a neutral, outside observer as we interpret parts of our story that still don’t feel healed.  That’s where we come in.  We’re here to help you do just that. Contact us at KairosCollective.com.

Have you ever mapped parts of your life story? What did you learn about yourself or about the way you relate to others?