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Caron Loveless

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The Worst/Best Advice If You’ve Been Wronged

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Over the course of my life things have happened to me, people have done things to me that have frightened me, angered me and broken my heart. I had legitimate hurt worthy of comfort and understanding.

Replaying the tapes of the wrongs that were done became my obsession.

Maybe you know something about that, too.

And when these lovely things happen to us there always seems to be a wise cracking person in the crowd (with no trace of blood on their clothes) saying…

Just let it go.

We hear this phrase a lot. It has a nice ring to it. We think it’s probably a good idea— for other people. We tell ourselves that strategy won’t work in our situation. Our situation is different, more complicated, more drastic or sad or life-altering or special.

So we hold on to “it.” This seems like the best plan.

Anyway, to let “it”go would be just plain wrong, way too easy. It’s such a juvenile cliche. To just drop something of this magnitude would be downright irresponsible, would it not? People need to know what this wrong has done to us. Someone or something that caused us this much heartache can’t just walk away scot free.

That is not happening.

Someone’s got to pay for this.

So, we strengthen our grip. And we build a bigger fortress for our suffering.

Somehow, we imagine if we hold out longer our opponent, our tormentor, our adversary will finally get the full picture of what they’ve done.

Surely they will finally SEE what they have caused here. The catastrophic damage. The injustice of it all.

If we dismiss our case against them it would mean that all the pain or money or sleeplessness we’ve gone through would be for nothing. Nada. Nil.

We cannot have that.

Besides, everyone knows it’s the whole principle of the thing. And if you lose your principles, what do you have? Values must be upheld. If we “just let everything go” the entire world would go straight to pot. Pandemonium in the streets. We could never get it all back under control. There must be standards, procedures, ways we treat people, you know, Roberts Rules of Order, The Bill of Rights, The Ten Commandments, that sort of thing.

Yet, we must admit it IS tempting, at times, to let go …a little. The energy required to stay enraged, outraged and engaged in this standoff is depleting our best resources. Scientists tell us, by “holding on” we are literally changing the chemistry of our brain. In a bad way.  It is a proven fact now. We are actually giving ourselves brain damage when we rehearse over and over a wrong that has been done to us.

Well, we snap back. We never asked to be brain damaged.

                                                                                    Hell no, we won’t let go.

Whoever said “just let it go” hasn’t lived our story, that’s for sure.

——-

Jesus said ( with his hands and feet brutally nailed to a Roman cross)
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Mark 10

“…if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them…”
Mark 11

“Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”
Matt. 7

———–

Letting go of a wound is the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves. And it is the most Christ-like thing we will ever do for someone else.  But, sometimes, it feels impossible. We truly understand this. That’s why we’re here to help.

What or Whom do you need to let go?

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

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The #1 Key To Relational Intimacy

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My husband, David, has always been a strong, confident guy who didn’t get easily rattled when things went wrong or difficulties popped up. He was good at tackling huge circumstances and moving on.

But, this was not always the case when certain challenges surfaced between us.

I didn’t realize, that just because a guy responds well to huge vocational obstacles he may not process relational ones with the same ease.

There were many times my reactivity and sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all of his thoughts and feelings. Certain subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me, in David’s case, peace was the holy grail.

If our desire is to experience deep enjoyment and satisfaction in

our most significant relationships we need

one important thing.

Without this key, we stay locked and isolated from those we most want connection with.

But, once we possess this key enormous freedom, intimacy and oneness are open to us.

Probably, THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT we can give to those closest to us is

emotional safety.

No matter how tough we seem on the outside, our souls are fragile. And without a safe, secure, relational environment we keep ourselves defended from whatever or whomever we sense may trample our sense of internal security.

Here are actions we sometimes take to protect ourselves from others when we feel emotional stress:

1) We isolate, walk away, clam up or distance ourselves.

2) We dislike feeling alone or rejected so we pursue others even more intensely.

3) We do a confused combination of both pursuing others and then distancing ourselves when we fear they are getting too close.

So, when we sense relational instability or conflict many of us subconsciously choose

one of these three tactics:  

* We move toward others (to pursue them)

* We move against others (to fight them)

* We move away from others (to flee them)

If you find yourself experiencing friction in an important relationship here are some questions to ask each other that may help you discern if some of the struggle you feel is generated from one or both of you feeling “unsafe.”

 

1) How emotionally safe do you feel in this relationship? (on a scale of 1-10)

2) Are certain subjects off-limits to talk about, either, because

     A) you don’t want to stir up trouble with this person or

     B) you feel uncomfortable with the anxiety that topic creates for you?

3) Do you feel safe to discuss any subject in this relationship?

4) Do you feel safe to share your deepest feelings & needs with this person?

5) Do you feel safe enough to share even your most negative emotions?

6) Can you be truly honest with this person?

7) Are you able to honestly and effectively communicate areas of disagreement and conflict without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal?

Emotional safety is #1 THE key to relational intimacy and happiness.

But, if the most significant person in your life is not always the one you feel SAFEST to share all your thoughts and feelings with —this should be a serious concern.

There are good reasons why you may not feel safe or why your relationship feels stuck in certain areas of dissatisfaction. And, there are good reasons the other person responds the way they do when they sense tension between you.

Healthy relationships offer enough secure emotional space

for us to be open and vulnerable with our hurts, confusion, hopes and stresses

without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal.

And we ALL need a little help to truly see

our own unhealthy patterns of living and relating.

We know what it’s like to not always feel totally safe in your most important relationship. AND, we know it is totally possible to turn that around to experience incredible joy, freedom and intimacy. 

If you’d like more information on how we can help you create a safer relational environment

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***PLEASE SHARE THIS BLOG with someone you think may also benefit.

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#1 Way To Turn Conflict Around

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Not long ago, David and I were having one of those little “discussions” that couples/friends/co–workers/parents/siblings/ humans have from time to time.  And somewhere in the middle of our slightly energized chat we realized both of us were saying pretty much the same thing:

 “I just never get it right for you.” 

 Ever said something like that?

 Or, you might have said, “You never listen to me.” “You never think about me.” “You never notice me.”  ” You  never appreciate me.”  Etc. 

Here are three questions we can put to comments like these to help us see how viable they are:

1) Did I just EXAGGERATE? 

Any time we use the word NEVER–( or you ALWAYS…) it should be a red flag that perhaps we have engaged our internal “spin doctor” who has just tossed out a desperate comment intended to get a rise out of the other person… a sweeping generalization that FEELS totally accurate to us in the moment.

 This a good time to back up the truck and right size the giant global meaning

 we just gave to a situation that might, upon more objective reflection,

 fit on a U.S. postage stamp.

 2) Is it TRUE? 

We are learning that there is one thing that’s ALWAYS a good idea to QUESTION —and that’s EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THOUGHT we have about others, situations and ourselves.

In our case, we both soon saw that the statement “ I just never get it right for you” was categorically UNTRUE. But it did sneak onto our negative thought trains and took us for a momentary ride.

 Question ALL your negative thoughts and comments.

 Always.

Ask yourself, is this really true?

 But, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION we ask ourselves these days:

 

3) Is what I just said about you actually about ME?

I can’t speak for you, but I am often quite sure about what other people need to do, or not do, how they should live, or think, dress, speak or behave. When I see nothing amiss with me, I have all kinds of time to focus on the “issues” of others around me.

We have 20/20 vision about other people, but we are blind as bats about ourselves. 

We are masters at protecting against what we do not want to see in ourselves so we “project” (just like a movie projector) our own issues on to the people around us. I’m not making this up. We are so defended against seeing our own bad stuff we throw it off on others.

We are CONVINCED the problem is solely with the other person. I mean, anyone can see how at fault they are!

One of the greatest hidden gifts other people are to us is that they actually reflect back to us, the uglier parts of us, those parts we are too afraid to look at on our own.

                         We can learn to see what’s really going on inside us by what we complain about in others.

Some have called this a “turn around.” And they believe EVERYTHING we dislike about someone else is what we dislike in ourselves but just can’t bring ourselves to see or admit it.

 The fault we find in someone else is the fault we cannot find with ourselves.

So, we learn to take our statements like, “She doesn’t like me.” “You don’t understand me.” “You always just think about yourself” etc., and turn them back toward us.

Now those judgements become: “I don’t like her “ or, even more accurate, “I don’t like me.” “I don’t understand you” or “I don’t understand myself.”  “I always just think about me.”

These turn arounds sting. We’re appalled at how these comments sound now and we fiercely fight to believe they are NOT TRUE.

But, if we get still, and sit with them awhile we will see they are true. At least, to some degree.  

By doing “turn arounds” we learn to see our true selves. We nail ourselves by the things we blame on the people around us.

 We project on to others what we don’t want to see about ourselves.

 Jesus had a little to say about this.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”   Matthew 7

If we truly want to GROW and CHANGE… if we want deeply satisfying relationships…if we want lasting transformation…we will no longer turn a blind eye.   We will notice the negative things we accuse others of and turn them around to see finally ourselves.

 I have a done a fair bit of projecting in my life.

 I’m learning a better way.

                                                       It takes guts. And it helps to extend kindness and compassion…to yourself.

Next time you find yourself placing judgments on someone else,

 make an experiment of it,

 try a “turn around”

and see what you discover – big as life- in your own backyard.

 And if you get stuck pointing fingers we are here @youlivetrue.com to help you turn that around. Or, maybe, this is something your team or staff could benefit from learning about and practicing.

***Please SHARE this blog with someone you think might be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected]

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

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Are You Black & White or Fifty Shades of Gray?

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In the early days of processing my husband’s betrayal I rejected his vehement declarations that went something like this:

 “Even though I did this, you need to believe me, I never, ever stopped loving you.” 

Yeah, right. There was no way I was buying that.

We just don’t say we love someone and do something so utterly and horribly unloving. 

Or do we?

One of several things that saved our marriage was my learning to hold,

simultaneously

BOTH my husbands many obvious virtues AND this one unthinkable vice. 

 

Like many people, I had often seen my world in black and white. You’re either for us OR against us. You like me OR you don’t. You’re good OR you’re bad. You’re either right OR you’re wrong. It’s either all OR nothing.

I had little capacity for complexity or a healthy, integrated, middle ground. 

 So…

 He was either a loving, godly husband OR an awful, lying cheat.

….an honorable pastor OR a sinful man

…a man of God OR a tool of the enemy.

 

In my hurt and disorientation I could not see the TRUTH of PARADOX:

two opposing statements that are BOTH TRUE at the same time. 

 

Like this familiar statement that most Christians would agree with:

~Jesus was both God and man.

As Mary once said, “But how can this be?”

The same way you can be both a father and a son or a mother and a daughter or a teacher and and an artist or …a Christian and a sinner.

Two different aspects of the same person co-existing. This is called “BOTH AND” or Non-dualistic or “AMPERSAND ( & ) THINKING.” With ampersand thinking you can learn to accept the horror that your loving husband has ALSO been unfaithful, or that your esteemed pastor has ALSO morally failed. 

It means that SIN NEVER CANCELS OUT the GOODNESS in a person’s soul.

It means you can see both aspects of a situation without judging it all one way or the other.

It means you are learning to see how you, too, have goodness & compromise in certain areas of your life.

In her excellent article, “How Can He Do This and Say He Loves Me,” Debbie Lasser describes her own growth in understanding “how can this be?” after discovering her husband’s failures:

” With greater education about (stress) and trauma…I learned how the brain can literally ‘dissociate’ and close off certain memories or behaviors while others take over. I learned that pain, fear, and anger can distract one temporarily from healthy behaviors to choose behaviors to comfort and survive.

I slowly began to believe that betrayal is complicated—not black-and-white. When my worldview expanded to include other possibilities to my simple and legalistic thinking of the past, I could take in the both/and truths of (my husband) Mark’s behaviors: he did love me AND he was medicating some extraordinary pain with unhealthy behaviors.

…embracing ampersand thinking was what led me to stay with my husband. What I knew was that I was in tremendous pain from his infidelity AND I truly loved him. Speaking up about that pain and getting support allowed me to hold the tension of both truths—and to choose to stay and work toward a new life of faithfulness with Mark.” 

Living in the tension of two opposite truths about a person we love or a situation we care about requires a journey through complexity. Most of us don’t like that. That’s too much work, too much mystery. Too much letting go of our need to be right.

We want simple, absolute certainty.

Like, get on or get off the bus.

 Why should I see fifty shades of gray when life can be so much clearer in black or white? 

 

Because REAL LIFE is never just black or white.

 

God Himself is not Father OR Son OR Holy Spirit— but all three in One Person at the same time. A fairly mysterious, simultaneous complexity.

But God is perfect, you say. What about our fallible friends & spouses & family? Do we just OVERLOOK their sin?!

We never overlook pain or unhealthy behavior.

And yet as we do that we also see how our perfect God handles OUR SINS  by receiving, welcoming & holding BOTH our dark & light- the first time, every time for all time.

(Psalm 139:12 …the darkness and the light are both alike to You.)

When this has been gifted to us– where do we get permission to see & hold each other any other way?

 

My journey to embrace the paradox has not been easy. 

But it has made ALL the difference.

It made forgiveness & compassion & complete restoration of our marriage possible.

So, I’m wondering today what situation or relationship with others or even your own view of yourself has you thinking in black and white? Is that bringing you closer to understanding and resolution or is it being destructive, hurtful, limiting, punishing and exclusive?

Sadly, so many marriages, families, friendships, churches and businesses

are being fatally severed by well-meaning but divisive people entrenched in either/or thinking.  

We all need help to learn how to see a hurtful situation or relationship with more clarity, find a better balance to what feels like opposites, to gain insight, compassion and love. We can’t just read a good book or talk with a friend if we hope to rewire years and years of reinforced patterns of black and white thinking.

That’s why we’re here. Let us help you learn how to see and hold what feels like polar opposites with healing grace and truth.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected].

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

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3 Hidden Ways You Stress Yourself Out

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I’m coming to see that a great deal of my stress is not caused by circumstances beyond my control – but by my own need to control my circumstances. 

I could give you a ton of examples of this ( and so could those brave, intrepid souls who have worked and lived with me 🙂 but one incident that quickly comes to mind is the time a team of us spent three hot, sweaty days preparing for our son’s outdoor wedding reception at the beautiful lakefront home of his in-laws-to-be.

It was fun and exciting and stressful.

I was the “wedding coordinator.” And we pulled out the stops to make this moment as fabulous as we could imagine, complete with a huge tent, newly constructed (by the brides father) dance- floor -deck with those cool dangling lights, a fireworks barge on the lake and giant moving search lights beaming love into the night sky for all the world, or at least, everyone within 10 miles, to see.  

It was glorious…

Until the worst thunderstorm in recorded history suddenly hit just minutes before the guests were to arrive. The wind gusted easily 50-60mph. There wasn’t even time to pull down the tent flaps we had especially added ” just in case.”

The storm stood STILL right over the lake, pounding wind and rain and thunder and lightning for a solid 45 mins.

It blew in so fast the caterers had no time to rescue the wedding cake which was pummeled with flying debris of every type including a generous assortment of insects native to Central Florida. Completely full champagne fountains blew over. All the table linens & candles were soaked.

Flowers I had spent days designing myself were strewn to oblivion.  And this is just the cliff notes version. 

Totally, my worst nightmare. I feel sick even now just writing about it. 

After the storm passed, everyone was soaked to the bone–just getting from our cars to the house was a feat. And I stood in shocked disbelief amongst the soggy remains of what had been a stunning reception hoping to salvage anything remotely resembling beauty.

Meanwhile, the bride, groom, her parents and guests were having a wonderful time snacking on dripping wet appetizers & listening to the dance trio now set up in the living room. They were making merry, seemingly pretty much unfazed by the catastrophe we had all just witnessed.

I, however, was having a full on, mascara bleeding breakdown. 

Ok. So, what’s really going on when we go all bonkers? 

The source of all YOUR stress lies deep inside YOU. 

Here are 3 often unidentified causes for stress you might want to consider:

1) Shame based stress

This stress is created by our ego need for approval, our need to feel accepted by certain people in our lives or, sometimes, by the entire world at large. We may take on projects to please others or ones that will put us in the spotlight or we may deny ourselves the rest we need in order to do something for a boss, friend or family member, whose approval is really important to us.

We may go to pieces at the failure of something we’ve worked on or over the disapproval of certain significant others. At our core we basically feel WE ARE NOT ENOUGH, not good enough, so we must make up for this lack, or cover the shame we feel for not being enough by doing, performing, appearing to be an amazing person, able to do or say amazing things.

We act in whatever way necessary in hopes of proving to people and to ourselves that we are really ok, that we are truly good enough. 

2) Fear based stress 

This stress is based on our fear that WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH, we need more of something to feel safe.

This could mean we work harder than others to acquire MORE money, study harder or stay in school longer to gain MORE education, or we collect more “toys,” have an insatiable appetite for more information, near addiction at times to possess more material things, we might eat more, or have deep need to make and keep more and more friends.

There is always a fear of not having enough of something. And, in an effort to feel safer, more secure in the world we stress ourselves out trying to obtain that illusive feeling of safety and security. 

3) Guilt base stress

This stress creates a lot of guilty self-talk like ” I’m already behind before I’ve even started.” It’s about living into an internal, pre-recorded “script” that says, ” better not waste time” ” you are what you do” or tries to disprove a negative comment someone once said, like, “you’ll never amount to anything.”

So you’ll show them! And in the process you may visit the emergency room with chest pains every year because you’re trapped in guilt based stress.

Guilt based stress is always coming from the notion ( we picked up somewhere) that WE HAVE NOT DONE ENOUGH. 

So, what’s really stressing you out? Is it really someone else or something else causing you all this tension and pain? 

We all have issues, at times, with each of these 3 stressors. But, usually, there is one that does most of the damage, one primary script that keeps you frazzled, unhappy or all churned up. 

Take a few minutes to reflect on your own stressful tendencies and how they show up in your life. 

How are you actually creating the stress you’re trying so hard to avoid? 

And how is the way you generate your own stress affecting your most important relationships? 

 Sit a few minutes in silence and notice how and where your body feels stress and, without judging yourself, ( just notice) inquire where that tension might originate from.

That horrendous thunderstorm that leveled our sons reception was not really what caused the stress I felt. 

But, at the time, that’s all I could see.

 (Or talk about. )

I have since learned that I struggle with a debilitating inner belief that I will never be enough. And when things go wrong or go seemingly unnoticed after I’ve put lots of “myself” into them, I can tend to get a bit crazy. 

The good news is I am finally finding tremendous help and healing (though I still have work to do) through the tools and practices we use and teach at youlivetrue.com. 

If you’d like help tracking down the true source of your own stressful tendencies contact us for a consultation @youlivetrue.com. We get your stress. 

And PLEASE SHARE THIS BLOG with someone you think might be interested. 

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Where IS God When the Stuff Hits the Fan?

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In the early months of the worst crisis of my life, God went AWOL.

Seriously. I was in shambles and God was a no show.

Thanks, I told God, for feeling the freedom to high tail it out of here

leaving me to fend for myself in this snake infested quicksand of catastrophe.

Being in literal, physical shock had a lot to do with my utter disconnect.

But, there were also a whole lot of questions I really needed answers to …..like….

why would you, God, put a sweet girl like me in a mess like this? I mean, You SAW all this coming right?

In the famous words of that great saint, Ricky Ricardo,

God had some “splaining” to do.

Sometimes, God does seem to ignore us in our most desperate hours.

I hate that.

And sorry, Carrie Underwood, great song, but why would I ever let

Jesus Take The Wheel

when it looks like he keeps falling asleep?

I hope you’ve never felt like God abandoned you

or experienced confusion over his whereabouts when bad news showed up at your door.

But, if you have, I want to pass along a few things I am learning:

1) Jesus said, ‘ No good tree bears bad fruit‘

which we can pretty safely rely on to mean: “no Good God makes anything bad.” Hmm.

You mean, God does not cause bad things to happen to good people?

Like God did not “take my sister to heaven”

because heaven needed her more than we did?

No. God is a Giver, not a taker.

This is not God trying to teach us a lesson,

or take away someone or something we love more than we love him

because he is a “jealous God.”

God is Good. God only gives Goodness.

2) When hard things happen God is not “causing” them –

but, hang on-

consider -also-  that God might not be “preventing” them either.

 Whaaat?

I thought God is supposed to protect us.

(It may have something to do with our idea of “protection.”)

But, from the beginning, God gifted us with a powerful thing called

free will.

 Yay! I am free

to live and explore and love and enjoy my life as much as I please.

 

I LOVE MY FREE WILL!

And…THEY are also free to make ugly faces, ignore, judge, hate,

neglect, abuse, even murder someone

with that same lovely free will.

Oh, yikes.

 I HATE YOUR FREE WILL!

The gifts of God are irrevocable–God doesn’t have a return policy on free will-

just like -thankfully- there are no returns on God’s love.

We are free to hurt each other till the cows come home

and God is not a rabid referee blowing the whistle at every little foul thing.

This is an eternal spiritual “law’ written in the Universe. For everyone.

We don’t get our free will revoked for wreckless living.

So-that stinks in stinky situations.

This is one case where it appears we can’t it both ways.

3) God “allowed” the potential for our suffering when God gave us all free will.

AND God, knowing this would be the case

has made provision for us whenever heartache comes.

 Jesus reminds us of God’s promise to never leave us or forsake us,

regardless of what the free-willed world dumps on us.

 God is ever-present in times of trouble.
Which I now translate to mean:

Whatever comes– God comes with it.

God is ever present to our pain and suffering, our fear and disappointment

and God comes right in there with it to overwhelm us

with Great Goodness, Grace & Hope.

This is what it really means to be able to say

‘With God ALL things are possible.’

The focus is always ‘with God.’

 When we acknowledge, when we sink our full weight into the reality

that God With Us, is ever- in us strengthening,

Ever-over us comforting, ever-under us carrying,

it almost hardly matters what situation we face.

God -for sure -has got us fully covered.

Our job –the hardest part

–is to release our resistance to what is happening

& allow God’s Comfort & Goodness

to carry us through the day of trouble without our fighting it.

God cannot cause our suffering and may not prevent it.

But God sees it, knows it, feels it and redeems it.

 God overwhelms whatever overwhelms us with Himself.

When we can find God’s presence in our pain

God is able to carry us through anything.

 If you find yourself in times of trouble, conflict or brokenness

or if you sense there must be a better way to do this life

let us @youlivetrue.com be part of God’s being present to you. Contact us.

And Thanks! for passing this blog on

to someone you think might be interested.

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The #1 Thing That Might Be Sabotaging You

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Welcome to Mastering Monday —where we hope to tackle some often experienced but not often talked about personal and professional issues affecting leaders. 

One of our favorite phrases right now is: 

You don’t know what you don’t know. 

It sounds annoyingly redundant but it’s a statement chalk full of truth. It means, we just can’t do much about something we are totally ignorant of. We can’t wrap our brains around what our eyes have not been able to see about ourselves. 

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And sometimes, it’s murder. 

Jesus clued us into this when he said, as he was dying on the cross, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” He could have said, “ Father, these people are utterly blind to the truth as they do this horrible thing —and they don’t even know it. Please don’t deal harshly with them. They just cannot see.” 

When someone we know can’t see the damage they’re doing at work or in a relationship we call that their blind spot.

But when we can’t see the damage we’re doing in similar areas we call it...someone else’s problem...

the truth is we’re smack in the grips of denial. 

You’ve probably said, like we have, “Of course, I have weaknesses, everybody does.” But the weaknesses we know about, are not our blind spots. If we can see something then we aren’t blind to it. 

As we discovered, there may be several things sabotaging you and your working or personal relationships right now. For the most part you are unaware of them or at least unable to see the damage they’re doing. You might even have the attitude, “It’s no big deal, everyone knows this is just way I am.” 

* Our blind spots are like a great mystery that everyone around us has already solved about us. 

You: Why didn’t you guys, tell me?! This is sooo embarassing. 

Them: We’ve tried.  

– Blind spots probably originate in childhood as we adapted ways to feel safe or accepted at home, with extended family, in our neighborhoods and schools.  

-Sometimes, if we get close to our blindspots, it’s too painful. Which is one reason why we want to avoid seeing them at all costs and we deny they exist. 

– It’s like we are so identified with this blind spot ( or two or three) so attached to it, so close to it, it is so us, that we have no space to step back and get the perspective we need to actually view it. 

– Blind spots can be self defeating aspects of our personality that we often make excuses for.

* Unfortunately, for many it takes a serious loss or failure to break us open enough

to see what’s been sabotaging our work and personal life.  

– We ALL have blindspots. We cannot know what we cannot know. 

-Our blind spots are hiding in places like anger, deception, envy, resentment, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, resistance, passivity, hostility, distractibility...and more. 

Helping leaders and their teams get some space from themselves to get clarity on their undesirable personality patterns hindering their working and personal relationships is one thing we are pretty passionate about these days. 

We have several workshops & retreats where we unpack a spot-on diagnostic tool that gets at stuff we’ve all unknowingly used as our central defense or internal motivation, our own particular and narrow lens on the rest of the world that has been defeating us in key areas for years. 

But in the meantime… This week... see if you can’t begin to learn how to relax the intensity, rigidity & attachment you have to certain disabling filters of our personality.

 It is putting it mildly to say we truly don’t know where we’d be today without this fresh understanding of ourselves and each other. With ever-increasing clarity and precison what we have discovered about our own blind spots has allowed us incredible personal insight, transformation and growth that affects everything we do and everyone we relate to.

And we have learned a number of hugely helpful ways to address and stay aware when our particular blindspots get triggered that we can pass on to you or your team. 

“One thing I do know, I was blind, but now I see.” 

John 9: 25      

If you’d like to learn more about our talks, workshops, retreats or coaching, just click either “Schedule Us to Speak” or “Schedule a Consultation” and we’ll get you on your way to a truer way of seeing yourself and relating to others. 

And thanks for sharing this blog with someone you think may be interested. 

(Art by: Rana Rabei)

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6 Tips For Parents of Really Great Kids

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So, you have this great kid. 

I mean, really great. 

Some days, you can hardly believe how cool it is that out of zillions of kids out there, this fantastically good piece of human angel food cake landed on your plate. She is always kind, and smart and loving and probably destined to be the youngest star in the Bolshoi Ballet (and that’s just before breakfast.) Or he’s so wise for his age and funny, always respectful, and his #1 goal in life is to eradicate poverty by his 30th birthday!

Everyone knows what a great kid you have. 

You feel so incredibly blessed to be their parent and you go along like this for some years cultivating this really special bond between you and your child.  

And, then, it happens. 

Your really great kid messes up. 

Nah, not my kid. Can’t be. 

But, when the facts get assembled, indeed, the shattering truth is confirmed. It’s like a hard jab to the gut. A major part of your world implodes. You say things like:

What did I do wrong??? How could this happen? We hang out, we do stuff together.  I’ve totally raised this kid by The Book. Everything was going along just fine, then bam.  I’ve done everything I knew to do. I gave her everything. I thought I knew my child inside and out. I have no idea who my daughter is now. No kid could have been more loved. 

So, now what do you do? 

1) Before you freak out & throw The Book at them, walk away for at least a few minutes (preferably longer, especially if it’s a major offense) and take some deep breaths while you do a quick flashback to your own youth: 

Any house rules broken? curfew violations? drug experiences? practical jokes run amuck?  any undocumented encounters your parents never knew you had? Try to get in touch with a few of THOSE moments in your own story. Try to FEEL how you felt at either being caught & punished or feel the fear you carried at just the thought of being discovered.

Revisiting our own emotions will help us better empathize with how our child may feel about disappointing us, and, in many cases, disappointing themselves. 

We’ve come to believe lack of empathy is THE #1 roadblock to relational harmony. 

But hang on! you might say, this is exactly what I hoped to help my child avoid –stupid mistakes! Everything I did as a parent was to keep them from doing   some of the foolish, dangerous, rebellious, illegal, etc., things I did.

Or you might say: I thought if I loved my child well enough she wouldn’t feel the need to do something that might hurt her or get her into trouble. Or, you might even say: I never did anything like this. What’s wrong with my kid that he would do such a thing? 

2) Identify & own all of your own emotions over what has happened. 

It’s not what you’re thinking about this, but what you’re feeling. Are you feeling anger, shame, guilt, fear, despair, hurt, etc? Our response / reaction to what our child has done will be a critical piece as to how they recover. Our reaction is driven out of our own emotions about what they’ve done.

Before we jump down their throats a healthy response would be for us to recognize what our emotions are saying to us about ourselves, then what they are saying to us about our child. 

3) Assign each emotion you discover to you or your child. 

Ex: I’m feeling anger at myself for not checking out more details about the party she went to. 

      I’m feeling shame over how her actions will make me look bad as a person and as a parent. 

      I’m feeling guilty for working so much lately and not spending enough time with him.

      I’m feeling fearful about what could have happened or now that ________ has happened, I’m  afraid this will become a pattern or that she could go to jail or that_______________. 

      I’m feeling angry he did something he promised he would never do. 

      I’m feeling hurt that my daughter violated the implicit trust I had in her. 

      I’m feeling angry my son broke the house rules we established for his own protection. 

      I’m feeling hurt and angry that my child is not the person I thought she/he was. 

4) See this event as both a gift & invitation

 This situation, with all it’s disappointment affirms to you and your child that, if accepted, failure can be a great, if not our greatest life teacher–even as painful as it is. We know this is true from our own experience– our own failures have been enormous pathways for us to learn and grow but out of our desire to protect our child, and sometimes ourself, we can’t always immediately see the value.

Most of the time, our fierce desire to protect and defend our kids from pain and suffering is a  good thing. It makes us feel like good parents. But, sometimes, our “protection” actually gets in the way of our child’s growth. 

Necessary suffering will be just as formational for your child as it has been for you. 

We keep thinking there should be a different path of growth for our child than painful experiences. We are actually stifling the growth God wants our child to experience if we try to rescue them from feeling too much pain. 

5) Instead of protecting your child from pain, prepare them for the inevitable. 

If we don’t acknowledge – ahead of time- the human experiences of loss, failure, and pain, we add to their risk of living with you and themselves in denial, deception and hiding.

If failure is never an option then what will she do with it when she does eventually fail? Will she spin it as “not really all that bad,” or hide it as if it didn’t really happen? 

This would be a good time to share with your child some of your own mistakes.  

Tell your child,  ahead of time,  how you will irrevocably love them when the time comes that they fail. You can still be disappointed, sad or afraid for them but what will make all the difference is that they know you will be there -with unshakable love – when they royally mess up.

Be like a mirror – showing your child the very heart of God.  

6) Be present with your child in the failure. 

We are most like God when we can sit with our child in his failure and love him through it. 

This is difficult to do when we think her failure is somehow about us: either a bad reflection on us or how we messed up as a parent or how angry and inconvenienced we are by it. 

But what’s really going on with your child here? What emotions has he been feeling that led up to this event? Ask. Don’t assume. 

There may be real self image or peer pressure (which is identity related) or any number of other issues attached to this event that need to be addressed. To gloss over serious rebellion or extreme negligence would be a mistake but it would be an equally bad mistake for your child never to know how irrevocably and unconditionally loved she is regardless of how you feel she makes you or herself look to others.

Don’t over or under react.

Most of us tend to do one or the other in pressure situations. Which one do you do?  What would happen if you react in the opposite way of your normal response?

Be careful that the consequences you lay down are not because of undo embarrassment or shame you are feeling.  And if there are already serious built in consequences for what has happened, consider whether those consequences might be enough of a lesson on their own. 

Since they’ve messed up, you may have doubts about how great your kid actually is. But, you haven’t been wrong. You really do have a great kid!

But, before this happened, you may have over-idealized them- projecting on them a form of perfection no man, woman or child can ever live up to.  Now you are reeling from a shattered fantasy you created around them. 

And, yes, we have done this ourselves as parents more than a few times. What began in pure love, sometimes moved to idealization then on to near idolatry.  We couldn’t see this was happening –  of course- just like you there reading this right now and thinking ( like we did ) —“you obviously don’t know MY child.”

Sigh.

It was out of a sincere desire to raise great sons for God who would impact the world that we sometimes projected a little too much pixy dust on them. Ya think? 

You could say we were blinded by the sparkle in our own eyes when we looked at them. 

But, over time, a fuller, Truer picture of each of our incredible boys emerged. And, after we picked ourselves up off the floor—-they continued to thrive a lot and mess up some. Just like we do. 

Oh, yes, we still blame ourselves sometimes, and struggle with feeling like some things they’ve done or do make us look bad. But, hey, we still have more growing up to do. 

If you feel stuck in relational issues at work, in ministry or at home, we can help.  Contact us youlivetrue.com for a free consultation. 

Written in collaboration by David & Caron Loveless

(Art by: Katie Berggren.  Shopkmberggren.com)

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8 Emotions You Must Know How To Identify

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As David and I began to work through snags in our relational story we saw the critical role our emotions have played. Where I could easily (let’s make that too easily) express my emotions, David often kept, particularly his negative feelings tightly reigned in.

From his early years David had unconsciously trained himself to deny or ignore certain “bad” emotional signals. Later, we learned, he had adopted a belief that he wasn’t “allowed” to feel or express certain negative emotions—he held to an unseen, inner rule -he wasn’t even aware of – that went something like this: 

I cannot be angry. 

Being angry is wrong, unacceptable for me,

it’s unchristian, unbecoming.

I’m supposed to be like Jesus,

which means I’m supposed to be growing more divine and less human.

(…which by the way is a common misunderstanding of the goal of Christian maturity,

which we’ll talk about another time…) 

Other people can get angry. But being mad is just not okay for me. 

So, when David did actually get angry he often said he was merely “frustrated” (because he could not possibly “be angry.”) 

Other feelings were also difficult for David to get in touch with at times, which we are finding more and more, is common for a lot of people. 

We ignore or deny our emotions for a whole host of reasons. Sometimes, we wear our ability to hide our emotions like a badge of honor. On one hand we might feel superior to people who freely and openly express their feelings and on the other hand we might feel envious of them.   

It is HUGELY important that we learn to fully and honestly express our true feelings in a healthy, non-destructive way. 

We all need to feel safe enough, with at least a few people, to express ourselves, even our most negative self, without fear of being disowned or chastised. Learning to LiveTrue, relationally, means I’m in touch with and I can own and honestly express all my feelings. 

It’s so critical for those of us in relationship with someone who may be dismissing some part of their feelings, to provide a safe place for those emotions to feel validated, even encouraged without fear of retribution or losing face. 

 So, how are you at naming your emotions? Do you put a nice spin on your “bad emotions?” Is it hard to pinpoint exactly what you are feeling sometimes?  Are you in a relationship where you are afraid to voice your true feelings? 

As we’ve navigated the waters of our own emotional story and, in our work with leaders and couples, we’ve seen how helpful it can be to keep a basic list of emotions close by, to use as a reference.

Sounds crazy, but, you’d be surprised how many people cannot put a finger on what they’re feeling, or, when they do try to name it they tip toe out there making it sound not as bad as it truly is. 

Check this out– Many of us are sharp, quick thinkers who can say what we THINK ABOUT something without missing a beat— and from that we believe we are truly representing our FEELINGS on the subject. 

What we THINK about something and how that something makes us FEEL

are two completely different things! 

Understanding and expressing our FEELINGS is VITAL as we grow our spiritual and relational lives.  Our feelings are actually the engine that drives us, not the caboose that tags along, as we once believed. Our earliest and most formative memories, psychologists tell us, are formed by the emotions we attach to them—but again I digress–another topic for another day.  

Here is the list of 8 Basic Emotions we give our clients when they can’t put their finger on exactly how they are feeling.  Yes, there are a lot more emotions we could list but we feel having less to choose from makes the decision a bit easier. Plus, many other emotions fall under most of these categories.

*** NOTE: This list also works well if you’re helping a child explore how they are feeling about something going on in their life —-except we think you may want to add the feeling of “Hunger” to their list. 🙂 

1) Hurt

2) Anger

3) Loneliness

4) Shame

5) Sadness

6) Fear

7) Guilt

8) Gladness

We keep this list close at hand and encourage others to do the same. When we get stuck trying to express to one another what we really mean we go down this list as a way of getting in touch with what’s actually going on inside us.  A number of folks have said how incredibly helpful this simple tool has been in their relationships.

Give it try. 

If communicating your real feelings feels “complicated” to you or someone you know, we’re here to help you dig out the True You. Contact us today @youlivetrue.com for a consultation. 

And to help you further get in touch with the Truest You- sign up to receive your FREE VIDEO series, 5 DAYS TO YOUR TRUE SIGNIFICANCE on our website: youlivetrue.com

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Which of These Hidden “Drivers” is Sabotaging Your Life?

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When someone asked us, ” What motivates you to do what you do?” we used to say things like: our passion, our goals, our need to provide for our family, our work ethic, our values or our deep love for God and his call on our lives.

How would you answer that question?  

What motivates you to do what you do?

We can’t think of any significant stretch in the last 40 years when we felt unclear about what was really motivating us.  We have lived our lives as purposeful, strategic, God- called leaders who were destined to use up our gifts, to leave it all on the field for God’s glory. We dedicated our lives, our marriage, our parenting and our leadership to that aim.

We were dead on sure about who and what drove us.

We were living as true as we knew how

and leading others to do the same. 

Then the proverbial manure hit the fan.  

And out of that mess came a clarity, that folks who know about these things say, may not have come by any other way. It was the ephiphany of ephipanies—and the jolt smacked us awake allowing us a perspective, a whole new layer of seeing what had often been at work in our core.  

We had no clue the extent to which three primal questions nudged us, prodded us, provoked us and prompted us to strive harder, jump higher, and do it better than anyone else around. We could not see the three, undetected “drivers” multiplying  a boatload of anxiety, stress and frustration in us.

We said, that’s just ” the cost of discipleship” or the “price tag of leadership.” We learned to “suck it up,” to mask high levels of protracted exhaustion which contributed to times of emotional vulnerability, poor coping and, eventually, personal failure.

So, why are we telling you this?

Because you don’t have to be zealous leaders of a mega church to have these drivers operating in you.

Right now, everyone you know,

including you,

is being taunted and tempted

by one, two or three primal questions.

These are so subtle and so sly that they easily camoflague themselves

under very good, even godly, intentions. 

We have been blown away by the pervasive nature

of these relentless, internal motivators.

Until you see them, you can’t begin to address them.

And unfortunately, sometimes it takes serious loss or failure to awaken to the possibilty that some of what we’re doing in our most important relationships, with our careers, our parenting, our ministries, our finances, you name it, is coming from places within us we didn’t even know existed.

This is why we dedicate ourselves to share our learnings with every willing listener. 

We are convinced it’s that big a deal. 

So, to get the word out

we’ve overhauled our website –

-today it becomes

www.youlivetrue.com

We are also offering you our brand new FREE

5 part videos series

5 Days to Your True Significance

where we share the 3 primal questions that are sabotaging all your best efforts to live the meaningful, purposeful life God promises you. We want to help you live, love and lead with transforming personal clarity.

   ***Right now obtain your FREE VIDEO SERIES by clicking on www.youlivetrue.com.

5 days Design