Category Archives: Pain/Suffering

Posted on

The Worst/Best Advice If You’ve Been Wronged

by

Over the course of my life things have happened to me, people have done things to me that have frightened me, angered me and broken my heart. I had legitimate hurt worthy of comfort and understanding.

Replaying the tapes of the wrongs that were done became my obsession.

Maybe you know something about that, too.

And when these lovely things happen to us there always seems to be a wise cracking person in the crowd (with no trace of blood on their clothes) saying…

Just let it go.

We hear this phrase a lot. It has a nice ring to it. We think it’s probably a good idea— for other people. We tell ourselves that strategy won’t work in our situation. Our situation is different, more complicated, more drastic or sad or life-altering or special.

So we hold on to “it.” This seems like the best plan.

Anyway, to let “it”go would be just plain wrong, way too easy. It’s such a juvenile cliche. To just drop something of this magnitude would be downright irresponsible, would it not? People need to know what this wrong has done to us. Someone or something that caused us this much heartache can’t just walk away scot free.

That is not happening.

Someone’s got to pay for this.

So, we strengthen our grip. And we build a bigger fortress for our suffering.

Somehow, we imagine if we hold out longer our opponent, our tormentor, our adversary will finally get the full picture of what they’ve done.

Surely they will finally SEE what they have caused here. The catastrophic damage. The injustice of it all.

If we dismiss our case against them it would mean that all the pain or money or sleeplessness we’ve gone through would be for nothing. Nada. Nil.

We cannot have that.

Besides, everyone knows it’s the whole principle of the thing. And if you lose your principles, what do you have? Values must be upheld. If we “just let everything go” the entire world would go straight to pot. Pandemonium in the streets. We could never get it all back under control. There must be standards, procedures, ways we treat people, you know, Roberts Rules of Order, The Bill of Rights, The Ten Commandments, that sort of thing.

Yet, we must admit it IS tempting, at times, to let go …a little. The energy required to stay enraged, outraged and engaged in this standoff is depleting our best resources. Scientists tell us, by “holding on” we are literally changing the chemistry of our brain. In a bad way.  It is a proven fact now. We are actually giving ourselves brain damage when we rehearse over and over a wrong that has been done to us.

Well, we snap back. We never asked to be brain damaged.

                                                                                    Hell no, we won’t let go.

Whoever said “just let it go” hasn’t lived our story, that’s for sure.

——-

Jesus said ( with his hands and feet brutally nailed to a Roman cross)
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Mark 10

“…if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them…”
Mark 11

“Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”
Matt. 7

———–

Letting go of a wound is the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves. And it is the most Christ-like thing we will ever do for someone else.  But, sometimes, it feels impossible. We truly understand this. That’s why we’re here to help.

What or Whom do you need to let go?

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

Posted on

#1 Way To Turn Conflict Around

by

Not long ago, David and I were having one of those little “discussions” that couples/friends/co–workers/parents/siblings/ humans have from time to time.  And somewhere in the middle of our slightly energized chat we realized both of us were saying pretty much the same thing:

 “I just never get it right for you.” 

 Ever said something like that?

 Or, you might have said, “You never listen to me.” “You never think about me.” “You never notice me.”  ” You  never appreciate me.”  Etc. 

Here are three questions we can put to comments like these to help us see how viable they are:

1) Did I just EXAGGERATE? 

Any time we use the word NEVER–( or you ALWAYS…) it should be a red flag that perhaps we have engaged our internal “spin doctor” who has just tossed out a desperate comment intended to get a rise out of the other person… a sweeping generalization that FEELS totally accurate to us in the moment.

 This a good time to back up the truck and right size the giant global meaning

 we just gave to a situation that might, upon more objective reflection,

 fit on a U.S. postage stamp.

 2) Is it TRUE? 

We are learning that there is one thing that’s ALWAYS a good idea to QUESTION —and that’s EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THOUGHT we have about others, situations and ourselves.

In our case, we both soon saw that the statement “ I just never get it right for you” was categorically UNTRUE. But it did sneak onto our negative thought trains and took us for a momentary ride.

 Question ALL your negative thoughts and comments.

 Always.

Ask yourself, is this really true?

 But, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION we ask ourselves these days:

 

3) Is what I just said about you actually about ME?

I can’t speak for you, but I am often quite sure about what other people need to do, or not do, how they should live, or think, dress, speak or behave. When I see nothing amiss with me, I have all kinds of time to focus on the “issues” of others around me.

We have 20/20 vision about other people, but we are blind as bats about ourselves. 

We are masters at protecting against what we do not want to see in ourselves so we “project” (just like a movie projector) our own issues on to the people around us. I’m not making this up. We are so defended against seeing our own bad stuff we throw it off on others.

We are CONVINCED the problem is solely with the other person. I mean, anyone can see how at fault they are!

One of the greatest hidden gifts other people are to us is that they actually reflect back to us, the uglier parts of us, those parts we are too afraid to look at on our own.

                         We can learn to see what’s really going on inside us by what we complain about in others.

Some have called this a “turn around.” And they believe EVERYTHING we dislike about someone else is what we dislike in ourselves but just can’t bring ourselves to see or admit it.

 The fault we find in someone else is the fault we cannot find with ourselves.

So, we learn to take our statements like, “She doesn’t like me.” “You don’t understand me.” “You always just think about yourself” etc., and turn them back toward us.

Now those judgements become: “I don’t like her “ or, even more accurate, “I don’t like me.” “I don’t understand you” or “I don’t understand myself.”  “I always just think about me.”

These turn arounds sting. We’re appalled at how these comments sound now and we fiercely fight to believe they are NOT TRUE.

But, if we get still, and sit with them awhile we will see they are true. At least, to some degree.  

By doing “turn arounds” we learn to see our true selves. We nail ourselves by the things we blame on the people around us.

 We project on to others what we don’t want to see about ourselves.

 Jesus had a little to say about this.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”   Matthew 7

If we truly want to GROW and CHANGE… if we want deeply satisfying relationships…if we want lasting transformation…we will no longer turn a blind eye.   We will notice the negative things we accuse others of and turn them around to see finally ourselves.

 I have a done a fair bit of projecting in my life.

 I’m learning a better way.

                                                       It takes guts. And it helps to extend kindness and compassion…to yourself.

Next time you find yourself placing judgments on someone else,

 make an experiment of it,

 try a “turn around”

and see what you discover – big as life- in your own backyard.

 And if you get stuck pointing fingers we are here @youlivetrue.com to help you turn that around. Or, maybe, this is something your team or staff could benefit from learning about and practicing.

***Please SHARE this blog with someone you think might be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected]

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

Posted on

Are You Black & White or Fifty Shades of Gray?

by

In the early days of processing my husband’s betrayal I rejected his vehement declarations that went something like this:

 “Even though I did this, you need to believe me, I never, ever stopped loving you.” 

Yeah, right. There was no way I was buying that.

We just don’t say we love someone and do something so utterly and horribly unloving. 

Or do we?

One of several things that saved our marriage was my learning to hold,

simultaneously

BOTH my husbands many obvious virtues AND this one unthinkable vice. 

 

Like many people, I had often seen my world in black and white. You’re either for us OR against us. You like me OR you don’t. You’re good OR you’re bad. You’re either right OR you’re wrong. It’s either all OR nothing.

I had little capacity for complexity or a healthy, integrated, middle ground. 

 So…

 He was either a loving, godly husband OR an awful, lying cheat.

….an honorable pastor OR a sinful man

…a man of God OR a tool of the enemy.

 

In my hurt and disorientation I could not see the TRUTH of PARADOX:

two opposing statements that are BOTH TRUE at the same time. 

 

Like this familiar statement that most Christians would agree with:

~Jesus was both God and man.

As Mary once said, “But how can this be?”

The same way you can be both a father and a son or a mother and a daughter or a teacher and and an artist or …a Christian and a sinner.

Two different aspects of the same person co-existing. This is called “BOTH AND” or Non-dualistic or “AMPERSAND ( & ) THINKING.” With ampersand thinking you can learn to accept the horror that your loving husband has ALSO been unfaithful, or that your esteemed pastor has ALSO morally failed. 

It means that SIN NEVER CANCELS OUT the GOODNESS in a person’s soul.

It means you can see both aspects of a situation without judging it all one way or the other.

It means you are learning to see how you, too, have goodness & compromise in certain areas of your life.

In her excellent article, “How Can He Do This and Say He Loves Me,” Debbie Lasser describes her own growth in understanding “how can this be?” after discovering her husband’s failures:

” With greater education about (stress) and trauma…I learned how the brain can literally ‘dissociate’ and close off certain memories or behaviors while others take over. I learned that pain, fear, and anger can distract one temporarily from healthy behaviors to choose behaviors to comfort and survive.

I slowly began to believe that betrayal is complicated—not black-and-white. When my worldview expanded to include other possibilities to my simple and legalistic thinking of the past, I could take in the both/and truths of (my husband) Mark’s behaviors: he did love me AND he was medicating some extraordinary pain with unhealthy behaviors.

…embracing ampersand thinking was what led me to stay with my husband. What I knew was that I was in tremendous pain from his infidelity AND I truly loved him. Speaking up about that pain and getting support allowed me to hold the tension of both truths—and to choose to stay and work toward a new life of faithfulness with Mark.” 

Living in the tension of two opposite truths about a person we love or a situation we care about requires a journey through complexity. Most of us don’t like that. That’s too much work, too much mystery. Too much letting go of our need to be right.

We want simple, absolute certainty.

Like, get on or get off the bus.

 Why should I see fifty shades of gray when life can be so much clearer in black or white? 

 

Because REAL LIFE is never just black or white.

 

God Himself is not Father OR Son OR Holy Spirit— but all three in One Person at the same time. A fairly mysterious, simultaneous complexity.

But God is perfect, you say. What about our fallible friends & spouses & family? Do we just OVERLOOK their sin?!

We never overlook pain or unhealthy behavior.

And yet as we do that we also see how our perfect God handles OUR SINS  by receiving, welcoming & holding BOTH our dark & light- the first time, every time for all time.

(Psalm 139:12 …the darkness and the light are both alike to You.)

When this has been gifted to us– where do we get permission to see & hold each other any other way?

 

My journey to embrace the paradox has not been easy. 

But it has made ALL the difference.

It made forgiveness & compassion & complete restoration of our marriage possible.

So, I’m wondering today what situation or relationship with others or even your own view of yourself has you thinking in black and white? Is that bringing you closer to understanding and resolution or is it being destructive, hurtful, limiting, punishing and exclusive?

Sadly, so many marriages, families, friendships, churches and businesses

are being fatally severed by well-meaning but divisive people entrenched in either/or thinking.  

We all need help to learn how to see a hurtful situation or relationship with more clarity, find a better balance to what feels like opposites, to gain insight, compassion and love. We can’t just read a good book or talk with a friend if we hope to rewire years and years of reinforced patterns of black and white thinking.

That’s why we’re here. Let us help you learn how to see and hold what feels like polar opposites with healing grace and truth.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected].

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

Posted on

3 Hidden Ways You Stress Yourself Out

by

I’m coming to see that a great deal of my stress is not caused by circumstances beyond my control – but by my own need to control my circumstances. 

I could give you a ton of examples of this ( and so could those brave, intrepid souls who have worked and lived with me 🙂 but one incident that quickly comes to mind is the time a team of us spent three hot, sweaty days preparing for our son’s outdoor wedding reception at the beautiful lakefront home of his in-laws-to-be.

It was fun and exciting and stressful.

I was the “wedding coordinator.” And we pulled out the stops to make this moment as fabulous as we could imagine, complete with a huge tent, newly constructed (by the brides father) dance- floor -deck with those cool dangling lights, a fireworks barge on the lake and giant moving search lights beaming love into the night sky for all the world, or at least, everyone within 10 miles, to see.  

It was glorious…

Until the worst thunderstorm in recorded history suddenly hit just minutes before the guests were to arrive. The wind gusted easily 50-60mph. There wasn’t even time to pull down the tent flaps we had especially added ” just in case.”

The storm stood STILL right over the lake, pounding wind and rain and thunder and lightning for a solid 45 mins.

It blew in so fast the caterers had no time to rescue the wedding cake which was pummeled with flying debris of every type including a generous assortment of insects native to Central Florida. Completely full champagne fountains blew over. All the table linens & candles were soaked.

Flowers I had spent days designing myself were strewn to oblivion.  And this is just the cliff notes version. 

Totally, my worst nightmare. I feel sick even now just writing about it. 

After the storm passed, everyone was soaked to the bone–just getting from our cars to the house was a feat. And I stood in shocked disbelief amongst the soggy remains of what had been a stunning reception hoping to salvage anything remotely resembling beauty.

Meanwhile, the bride, groom, her parents and guests were having a wonderful time snacking on dripping wet appetizers & listening to the dance trio now set up in the living room. They were making merry, seemingly pretty much unfazed by the catastrophe we had all just witnessed.

I, however, was having a full on, mascara bleeding breakdown. 

Ok. So, what’s really going on when we go all bonkers? 

The source of all YOUR stress lies deep inside YOU. 

Here are 3 often unidentified causes for stress you might want to consider:

1) Shame based stress

This stress is created by our ego need for approval, our need to feel accepted by certain people in our lives or, sometimes, by the entire world at large. We may take on projects to please others or ones that will put us in the spotlight or we may deny ourselves the rest we need in order to do something for a boss, friend or family member, whose approval is really important to us.

We may go to pieces at the failure of something we’ve worked on or over the disapproval of certain significant others. At our core we basically feel WE ARE NOT ENOUGH, not good enough, so we must make up for this lack, or cover the shame we feel for not being enough by doing, performing, appearing to be an amazing person, able to do or say amazing things.

We act in whatever way necessary in hopes of proving to people and to ourselves that we are really ok, that we are truly good enough. 

2) Fear based stress 

This stress is based on our fear that WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH, we need more of something to feel safe.

This could mean we work harder than others to acquire MORE money, study harder or stay in school longer to gain MORE education, or we collect more “toys,” have an insatiable appetite for more information, near addiction at times to possess more material things, we might eat more, or have deep need to make and keep more and more friends.

There is always a fear of not having enough of something. And, in an effort to feel safer, more secure in the world we stress ourselves out trying to obtain that illusive feeling of safety and security. 

3) Guilt base stress

This stress creates a lot of guilty self-talk like ” I’m already behind before I’ve even started.” It’s about living into an internal, pre-recorded “script” that says, ” better not waste time” ” you are what you do” or tries to disprove a negative comment someone once said, like, “you’ll never amount to anything.”

So you’ll show them! And in the process you may visit the emergency room with chest pains every year because you’re trapped in guilt based stress.

Guilt based stress is always coming from the notion ( we picked up somewhere) that WE HAVE NOT DONE ENOUGH. 

So, what’s really stressing you out? Is it really someone else or something else causing you all this tension and pain? 

We all have issues, at times, with each of these 3 stressors. But, usually, there is one that does most of the damage, one primary script that keeps you frazzled, unhappy or all churned up. 

Take a few minutes to reflect on your own stressful tendencies and how they show up in your life. 

How are you actually creating the stress you’re trying so hard to avoid? 

And how is the way you generate your own stress affecting your most important relationships? 

 Sit a few minutes in silence and notice how and where your body feels stress and, without judging yourself, ( just notice) inquire where that tension might originate from.

That horrendous thunderstorm that leveled our sons reception was not really what caused the stress I felt. 

But, at the time, that’s all I could see.

 (Or talk about. )

I have since learned that I struggle with a debilitating inner belief that I will never be enough. And when things go wrong or go seemingly unnoticed after I’ve put lots of “myself” into them, I can tend to get a bit crazy. 

The good news is I am finally finding tremendous help and healing (though I still have work to do) through the tools and practices we use and teach at youlivetrue.com. 

If you’d like help tracking down the true source of your own stressful tendencies contact us for a consultation @youlivetrue.com. We get your stress. 

And PLEASE SHARE THIS BLOG with someone you think might be interested. 

Posted on

5 Ways Failure Makes You A Better Leader

by

Every leader I know wants to get it right. We have incredibly high expectations for ourselves .

We pretty much think we should do it well and get it right the first time – every time.  As a result, we often expect the same from those we lead.

 So… how’s that working for you?

Today is “Mastering Mondays” where we tackle often experienced but not often talked about personal and professional issues affecting leaders… leaders in homes, businesses, and ministries.

Some years ago, when we lived in Vancouver BC, I dashed out of my office into the pouring rain to get to a meeting. And, on the way, I got a flat tire.

So, I pull over, get out (in my dress shirt, slacks & dress shoes) grab the spare, jack the car up and quickly change the tire. Totally soaked, I jump back in the car and speed off to my appointment.

Suddenly, the car starts shaking and shuddering and swerving all over the road– and then there’s this horrendous metal- scraping -pavement sound and sparks are flying —I end up at a dead stop, headed into oncoming traffic.

Cars whiz by, honking. And, yes, its still pouring down rain.

Apparently, when I put the spare on, I failed to attach the lug nuts properly.

Since I didn’t have a lug wrench (I mean, who carries these things in their car?) and I was in such a hurry -this was eons before cell phones–I just tightened the lug nuts with my bare hands.

 Yeah. I really did that.

My spare tire had fallen off around 50mph. This is where we say the rubber failed to meet the road.

Have the proverbial wheels fallen off something you have given yourself to?   Have you ever intended to do good and it turned out bad?

Do you always expect what you set out to do or assign others to do (i.e. your kids, your team-mates, etc) will be a sucess?

I don’t remember having changed more than one tire previous to that infamous day.  I was still learning.  I didn’t get it right.

 

Failure MUST be an EXPECTED and ACCEPTED part of every good Success Playbook.

 

Here are 5 things I now keep as a permanent part of the Success curriculum I use in leading myself and others.

  1.  Remember when Jesus invited us to follow him and be his disciples, he ‘baked’ failure into the recipe.The greek word for “disciple” is “mathetes.”  It means LEARNER.

A Learner who is learning the art of living, loving, and leading from THE rabbi.

Anyone in the learning phase will be prone to make mistakes and fail.

  1.  Remember that the process of learning is the process of figuring something out. It is the process of step by step. It isn’t about performance or perfection, it’s about process.  And process is how we slowly make progress

Most of the time, religion has taught us that discipleship is all about: demands… standards… things to achieve… things to perfect… haven’t done quite enough yet…  (Note: all of which are great for the ongoing growth of our ego).

But that’s not what Jesus is inviting us into.

His discipleship is a grace-filled process.

Check out this astonishing statement in Matthew 26.

“Then Jesus told them (his disciples), “This very night you will ALL fall away on account of me… But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”  Then Peter and other disciples got incensed that Jesus thought they would fail him. 

Well, we know how that turned out.  Not just Peter, but everyone of the most committed, faithful failed Jesus badly… at what seemed like the worst possible time.

I’ve thought and said similar things:

“There is no way… under no condition will I ever fail in a horrific way.”

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

And I have been stunned by all Jesus has done in our lives even after such a colossal failure.

What I see Jesus doing with his team, I don’t remember hearing many of the rest of us say to those we’re leading:  Your knowledge and your willpower will not be enough.  You are going to fail.  I know you better than you know yourselves.  But wait!  I’ve made compassionate, grace-filled plans following your failure.  After your ‘fall’, I’ll see you later in Galilee…I’ll see you on the ‘other side’, and all will be well.” 

A few weeks later,…

Jesus commissions the same ones who betrayed him

to lead and multiply His movement. 

That’s unthinkable harvesting from failure.

I’m realizing that as leaders in churches, businesses, and homes

we do a great job of teaching people how to succeed

 but we do a HORRIBLE job at teaching them how to fail! 

I don’t remember the last time I heard a leadership talk or sermon on the fact that:

“Oh, by the way, no matter how devoted or smart you think you are, or how much money you can throw at something or how strong your willpower is —some part of you is going to fail.  More than once. And when you do, it’s not the end of the world.

Mistakes are baked into any good recipe for success.  

Out of our failures our greatest successes will be born.

  1.  Quit obsessively asking yourself: “What was I thinking?”No one has ever faced the unique challenges that you have, while being you.  You literally are the first… so take it easy on yourself.

I’ve lost count of all the times I’ve said “What was I thinking?”… regarding personal, family, and leadership decisions over my lifetime.

Most of those decisions, seemed like the best move at the time… even though some of them turned out not to be. Still, I would not have learned the volume of things that came with those mistakes and misjudgments.

 My failures actually set me up for even truer and better success than I had hoped for.

  1.  Quit listening to the critical and harsh voices in your own head or coming from others.You and I both know when we’ve been royally wrong.

We would give anything to have a “do over.”

Often we can’t. But what we can do is to receive the grace Jesus gave from Day One in the step by step process of learning about living, loving, and leading.

You know the proverbial 3 steps forward, 2 steps back?  Turns out Jesus knew all along, that would be our path… and it would be a path He would walk with us daily… not even stopping us from where we were going… knowing it would actually be this very path- the two steps backward- that would bring about our greatest transformation.

  1.  Own your failures, don’t hide them.  When you fail, your ego will immediately lead you to hide.  Instead, allow the best part of you to take responsibility for whatever didn’t work out, and truly learn from it.

I’ve found that the greater failure is to hide and shame yourself or let others shame you, instead of finding restoration in it.

I wish my tire falling off years ago was the last time I had the ‘wheels come off’ in my life.

But that just isn’t the human story.

As much as I’ve fought to keep my act together and lead well at various times I didn’t have the full information I needed to make a critical hire, or didn’t fully see a part of the ministry that was draining us financially, or I misjudged a moment as being from God and paid dearly for it as people voted otherwise with their feet.

The list goes on. Yours probably does too. And each time it hurt.  Each time there was regret.  Each time I internally beat myself, mercilessly.  But now, I don’t always have to be the smartest guy in the room.

I’m tumbling into the new found freedom of a True Learner.

I am slowly succeeding, and sometimes it’s by failing.

When the ‘wheels’ fall off of whatever you’re doing, know it’s not the end of the world.

(BTW- I’ve nearly perfected the art of changing a tire. I call AAA.)

We’re here to learn alongside you @youlivetrue.com. If you often have the mindset ” failure is not an option.” We need to talk. Call us for a consultation.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

Question: “What attitudinal shift needs to happen in you, both for yourself and those you lead, when you don’t nail things right the first several times?”

Posted on

Where IS God When the Stuff Hits the Fan?

by

In the early months of the worst crisis of my life, God went AWOL.

Seriously. I was in shambles and God was a no show.

Thanks, I told God, for feeling the freedom to high tail it out of here

leaving me to fend for myself in this snake infested quicksand of catastrophe.

Being in literal, physical shock had a lot to do with my utter disconnect.

But, there were also a whole lot of questions I really needed answers to …..like….

why would you, God, put a sweet girl like me in a mess like this? I mean, You SAW all this coming right?

In the famous words of that great saint, Ricky Ricardo,

God had some “splaining” to do.

Sometimes, God does seem to ignore us in our most desperate hours.

I hate that.

And sorry, Carrie Underwood, great song, but why would I ever let

Jesus Take The Wheel

when it looks like he keeps falling asleep?

I hope you’ve never felt like God abandoned you

or experienced confusion over his whereabouts when bad news showed up at your door.

But, if you have, I want to pass along a few things I am learning:

1) Jesus said, ‘ No good tree bears bad fruit‘

which we can pretty safely rely on to mean: “no Good God makes anything bad.” Hmm.

You mean, God does not cause bad things to happen to good people?

Like God did not “take my sister to heaven”

because heaven needed her more than we did?

No. God is a Giver, not a taker.

This is not God trying to teach us a lesson,

or take away someone or something we love more than we love him

because he is a “jealous God.”

God is Good. God only gives Goodness.

2) When hard things happen God is not “causing” them –

but, hang on-

consider -also-  that God might not be “preventing” them either.

 Whaaat?

I thought God is supposed to protect us.

(It may have something to do with our idea of “protection.”)

But, from the beginning, God gifted us with a powerful thing called

free will.

 Yay! I am free

to live and explore and love and enjoy my life as much as I please.

 

I LOVE MY FREE WILL!

And…THEY are also free to make ugly faces, ignore, judge, hate,

neglect, abuse, even murder someone

with that same lovely free will.

Oh, yikes.

 I HATE YOUR FREE WILL!

The gifts of God are irrevocable–God doesn’t have a return policy on free will-

just like -thankfully- there are no returns on God’s love.

We are free to hurt each other till the cows come home

and God is not a rabid referee blowing the whistle at every little foul thing.

This is an eternal spiritual “law’ written in the Universe. For everyone.

We don’t get our free will revoked for wreckless living.

So-that stinks in stinky situations.

This is one case where it appears we can’t it both ways.

3) God “allowed” the potential for our suffering when God gave us all free will.

AND God, knowing this would be the case

has made provision for us whenever heartache comes.

 Jesus reminds us of God’s promise to never leave us or forsake us,

regardless of what the free-willed world dumps on us.

 God is ever-present in times of trouble.
Which I now translate to mean:

Whatever comes– God comes with it.

God is ever present to our pain and suffering, our fear and disappointment

and God comes right in there with it to overwhelm us

with Great Goodness, Grace & Hope.

This is what it really means to be able to say

‘With God ALL things are possible.’

The focus is always ‘with God.’

 When we acknowledge, when we sink our full weight into the reality

that God With Us, is ever- in us strengthening,

Ever-over us comforting, ever-under us carrying,

it almost hardly matters what situation we face.

God -for sure -has got us fully covered.

Our job –the hardest part

–is to release our resistance to what is happening

& allow God’s Comfort & Goodness

to carry us through the day of trouble without our fighting it.

God cannot cause our suffering and may not prevent it.

But God sees it, knows it, feels it and redeems it.

 God overwhelms whatever overwhelms us with Himself.

When we can find God’s presence in our pain

God is able to carry us through anything.

 If you find yourself in times of trouble, conflict or brokenness

or if you sense there must be a better way to do this life

let us @youlivetrue.com be part of God’s being present to you. Contact us.

And Thanks! for passing this blog on

to someone you think might be interested.

Posted on

Jesus Shows Us ‘The Way’

by

Here’s a very personal video message from us for Easter weekend.  We hope you’ll use it as some part of your own private reflections.  May you receive a significant breakthrough as you acknowledge The One Who Shows Us The Way in everything.

Click this on: 

Posted on

Twelve Ways To Practice Resurrection Now

by

 

Many Christians fervently believe in Jesus’ bodily resurrection but never allow the resurrection of their own hearts.

Carl Jung said,

“ What happens in the life of Christ happens always and everywhere.”

When I use the word resurrection, I am not talking about temperamental optimism… I am talking about something much more constant and universal than that.

Resurrection is incarnation come to its logical and full conclusion. Resurrection is not a miracle to be proven; it is a manifestation of the wholeness that we are all meant to experience. The Risen Christ is the standing icon of humanity in its final and full destiny. He is the pledge and guarantee of what God will do with all of our crucifixions. At last we can meaningfully live with hope.

Our hurts now become the home for our greatest hopes.

Without such implanted hope,

it is very hard not be cynical, bitter, and tired by the second half of our lives.

Yes, resurrection is saying something about Jesus

but it is also saying something about us, which is harder to believe.

Of the many things it means, resurrection is a life of goodness and love, both of which have an eternal quality to them. I do believe “ the raising up of Jesus” is still a potent, focused, compelling statement about what God is still forever doing with the universe and with humanity.

The only rub is that loss always precedes renewal

in the physical and biological universe.

Instead of just waiting for the final resurrection of our bodies after we die, God invites us to experience resurrection life on a daily basis. Here are some ways we can live now in that eternal, abundant life he offers each of us:  

1)    Refuse to identify with negative, blaming, antagonistic, or fearful thoughts  (*you cannot stop “having” them but you can stop identifying with them.)

2)    Apologize when you hurt another person or situation.

3)    Undo your mistakes by some positive action toward the offended person or situation.

4)    Do not indulge or believe your False Self-that which is concocted by your mind and society’s expectations.

5)    Choose your True Self -your radical union with God-as often as possible throughout the day.

6)    Always seek to change yourself before trying to change others.

7)    Choose as much as possible to serve rather than be served.

8)    Whenever possible, seek the common good over your mere private good.

9)    Give preference to those in pain, excluded or disabled in any way

10) Seek just systems and polices over mere charity.

11) Make sure your medium is the same as your message.

12) Never doubt that it is all about love in the end.

From Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self
 by Richard Rohr

 

 

 

Posted on

How Your Story Impacts Everything

by

The other night, Caron and I had a little birthday celebration with our long time friends; Brian and Lorrie Ann. Lorrie Ann and I share the same birthday and during the appetizers Brian got the idea for each of us to share one word that described each decade of our life.  Caron and I just smiled.  This is exactly what we’ve been doing together for the last few weeks, in a more extended way, using Storyline with Donald Miller.

We’ve done other life story exercises in leadership contexts over the years and, once again, this process is providing us fresh empathy and support for one another, further enhancing our relationship with each other, with God, as well as giving us better insight into ourselves.  

We all search for the meaning of our lives.  Our story contains some really great clues.  When we write or tell someone about the events, people and experiences we’ve had, it unlocks more of the mystery that makes us the person we’ve become and why we relate to others in some of the ways we do.

 “At the heart of our story is our relational blueprint.”

But, hold on, I hear you saying, remembering my old stuff won’t help me with my current stuff.  I get you.  So, think about it this way: if your desire is healthy, vibrant relationships with God, your spouse, your kids & your friends now, being willing to embrace the good, bad, and ugly parts of your before, is a primary way you can get there.

But, you might say, my story has painful memories; I get sad when I revisit them. For many of us, with difficult backgrounds, this is true. But, can I tell you one of the most profound things I’ve learned in recent years?

 Whatever I disown -about me or my story-

will, eventually, come to own me.

 THIS is why I’ve needed to, and you need to, own not just parts but ALL of your story.  This helps us integrate ALL we’ve lived within ourselves and within God’s presence.  And how well we integrate has the potential to positively impact the quality of ALL our relationships.

 So HOW can you begin the story process?

 1.  Be honest with yourself about your story. 

In their excellent book, The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection
Richard Plass and Jim Cofield point out that there are at least three important elements in our story.

* List events that happened.

What great memories do you have?  Think of 1-2 of the most important, for each decade of your life. Where were you?  Who were you with?

What painful memories do you have? Think of 1-2 of the most important, for each decade of your life. Where were you?  Who were you with?

Example of a painful event: “In a high school basketball game, I got confused on defense and made a shot toward the opponents basket.” (Yes, I really did that.)

* List some emotions you felt in light of those events

Now think about the emotions you felt during & after these events. Emotions like: shame, sadness, joy, hope, fear, or anxiety?  This is important because whatever you felt about primary events in your life has given shape to how you understand yourself now.

Example of painful emotions: “Felt deeply embarrassed & ashamed for this mistake.”

* What is your interpretation (what do you tell yourself now)  in light of the events & emotions?

How we emotionally experienced an event impacts our interpretation of it.  This interpretation, a view we carry around in us, is our way of explaining it to ourselves and others.  

We all tend to exaggerate or diminish important parts of our lives.

For our relationships to thrive, something has to ‘happen’ to the way we view our story. Our interpretation of it must be changed so that it aligns with God’s redemptive view of it.  This will profoundly impact my relationship  with Him and others.

We see this happen in the Old Testament story of Joseph.  He was able to re-interpret the tragedies in his life into this statement: “You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Gen 50:20

Example of a inaccurate interpretation of my basketball story: “I’m a horrible basketball player.  I should never play  again ” OR “I’m not adequate as a person. Whenever I try to do something good, it often turns out bad, because, basically, I am bad.”

2.  Share your story with a spouse, friend, or a trusted counselor.  We are relational beings who are both hurt and healed by our relationships.  So, by telling our story to someone else, we can further understand it and recalibrate it.  Most of us are great OBSERVERS of our lives, but very poor INTERPRETERS. We need healthy, wise input from others who can help us see our story through more unbiased lenses.

3.  Take your whole story to God.  Obviously we aren’t trying to inform God of something He is unaware of.  But doing this facilitates several things.  First, when we own primary parts of our story it can create greater depth in our relationship with God.  Remember when God asked Adam: “Where are you?”  Adam answered with an acknowledgement of where he was. There was ownership and reconnection.

Second, bringing your story to God allows Him access to you, to care for you and your story.  Everything you have lived is “held” in God.  He wants to “hold your story” by holding you, loving you, comforting you, and healing you. And then He wants you to “participate” in His Story, which has the power to re-interpret and transform ours.

God wants the interpretation we’ve given ours, to be viewed through His redeeming lens.  Through a less-distorted lens, we can better relate to Him, others, and ourselves in more life-giving ways.

Do you want to bring your relational blueprint into better focus?   Block out several segments of time, over the next several weeks, and walk through the process above.  Then, take  your story to God and at least one trusted friend.

*** Often, we find need some help from a neutral, outside observer as we interpret parts of our story that still don’t feel healed.  That’s where we come in.  We’re here to help you do just that. Contact us at KairosCollective.com.

Have you ever mapped parts of your life story? What did you learn about yourself or about the way you relate to others? 

Posted on

Letting Go Of Your Negative Storyline

by

There are teachers, and then there are master teachers. Richard Rohr has been one of the most profound & enlightening voices in our journey of the last 2-3 years. His influence crosses denominations and we believe the impact of his life and writing will continue for generations to come. We have been so moved by a recent blog of his that we wanted to share it with you as well. He brings a feast for the soul. Dig in.

“Forgiveness is simply the religious word for letting go. To forgive reality is to let go of the negative story line, the painful story line that you’ve created for it.

To forgive reality is to let go of the negative story line, the painful story line that you’ve created for it. If that story line has become your identity, if you are choosing to live in a victim state, an abused consciousness, it gives you a false kind of power and makes you feel morally superior to others. But let me tell you, it will also destroy you.

It will make you smaller and smaller as you get older. You will find that you have fewer and fewer people you can trust, fewer and fewer people, if any, that you can love. Life itself becomes a threat. Your comfort zone becomes tinier and tinier.

Thankfully, God has given us a way to not let the disappointments, hurts, betrayals, and rejections of life destroy us. It is the art of letting go. If we can forgive and let go, if we don’t hold our hurts against history and against one another, we will indeed be following Jesus.

The wounds of the crucified Jesus symbolize sacred wounds, transformative wounds that do not turn him bitter. After the crucifixion, there’s no record of Jesus wanting to blame anybody or accuse anybody. In fact, his last words are breathing forgiveness: “Father, forgive them; they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

If we are to follow Jesus, he says we’re simply to forgive one another as God has forgiven us. He says we should forgive one another not seven times, but “seventy times seven times” (Matt 18:22).

What that implies, first of all, is that God is all mercy and all forgiving in God’s very nature. But it also implies that Jesus knows we are going to make mistakes. He assumes human beings are going to hurt one another and do it wrong—maybe even seventy times seven times. This should keep us all humble.”

* So which part of your negative, failed storyline do you need to let go?