Category Archives: Pain/Suffering

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How to Catch Your Shadow Self in the Act

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These days we spend a lot of time coaching and counseling people who are trying to grow through some area of their life that is not working.

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Their work world or personal life is not moving as fluid as they’d like and they’ve come to us to figure out how to live, love and lead better. Some want to know what’s causing them to feel stuck or what caused them to experience failure.

One of the first things we notice in these conversations is how honest and in touch a person, couple or leader is able to be with their shadow self. 

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LT Podcast 3: The Arrogance of Capacity

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To listen to today’s podcast, simply click on the “play” button on the podcast player above, OR if you’ve already subscribed to The Live True Podcast then the episode can be accessed through either your Apple or Android device in your podcast app. (If you’ve received this as an email subscriber and there isn’t a podcast player showing above, then you can listen directly from our website, from your mobile device, or your itunes podcast player.)

Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.” You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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How to Talk to That Voice in Your Head

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How to Talk to That Voice in Your HeadListening to the voice in my head has caused me a lot of suffering. You know the voice I’m talking about.

Throughout the day it shows up, uninvited, and hijacks your thoughts. The voice dishes out color commentary about you and other people or situations. Sometimes, it wakes you up at night. It sounds like a cross between a drill sergeant, The Wicked Witch of the West and you. And it never has anything good to report. It says things like:

  • “It’s your fault. If you had your act together / hadn’t been so clueless/ weren’t such a __________person _________wouldn’t have happened.”
  • You’re such an idiot. You shouldn’t have done/said _____________.
  • You should have done/said ___________.
  • Who do you think you are anyway? You’re never going to be __________. You’re always going to be __________.
  • You might as well face it. You don’t have what it takes to ________________________.
  • __________ is what’s wrong with you. You’re a total _________.
  • Ohmigosh! Get a clue! You are SOOOOOO old/dumb/fat/skinny/tall/short/ugly/plain/boring/slow/shy/ needy/poor/unproductive/_________. No one’s ever going to __________ you.

And because this voice can actually see through walls and brain matter and is so incredibly omniscient, it also tells us, with great accuracy, what other people are thinking. Like…

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LT Podcast 2: The One Argument We Can Never Win

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Subscribe to Podcast in iTunes

To listen to today’s podcast, simply click on the “play” button on the podcast player above OR if you’ve already subscribed to “The Live True Podcast” then the episode can be accessed through either your apple or android device, in your podcast app.

The One Argument You Can Never WinHere is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.” You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

What’s TRUE: What are the internal ROOTS of your life that can help you name & own what is good AS well as what is distorted in you that drives & produces your external life?

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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The #1 Thing You MUST DO NOW to Live a Healthy, Happy Life

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IMG_5951Like a lot of people, I’ve been detoxing my life.  More and more I’m “going green” in my food, cosmetics & cleaning supplies. And, I was just starting to feel proud of myself until I learned there’s one thing that could totally wipe out even the best of my healthy intentions.

In fact, scientists say, this one thing could literally be killing me right now.

My thoughts.

Crazy, I know. But, the people that study these things say the science is all there to back this up.

Our thoughts are killing us!

The facts are:  all those negative, stressful, anxious, angry, wounded, irritated  thoughts – thoughts that until now we’ve seen as -harmlessly human -are actually THE CAUSE of 75-98 percent of all mental, physical and behavioral illness.

According to Dr. Caroline Leaf in her book, Switch On Your Brain, research shows only 2-25 percent of mental and physical illness comes from the environment and genes.

This is alarming to me for two reasons:

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An Open Letter to My Wife, to God, & to You

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phontoIf you don’t mind my getting a little personal… or even if you do mind, I’m going to anyway.  Let me get personal about me and my story… and then I want to get personal about you and your story.

I’ve got something extraordinary to celebrate.  

Caron and I are celebrating our 40th Wedding Anniversary this week.  Under any circumstances, this would feel like an extraordinary thing to celebrate.  40 years of doing anything doesn’t happen that often.

 

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But as you know, under our circumstances, it’s a sign and a wonder.  It’s a miracle of miracles.

Almost 2 1/2 years ago when I woke up my wife one morning, to confess to her the worst failure of my life, that had happened more than several years earlier, I watched what had been a fabulous marriage for both of us, descend into a depth of hell, that there is not adequate enough language to describe.

Because of the massive pain it brought to Caron… and the massive disorientation it brought to her and our family… as well as the public humiliation that ensued, I would have never predicted we would be where we are today.  I believed in miracles… and had participated in many over the years, but this was in another miracle galaxy that I wasn’t sure we could reach.

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There Is More To Your Story Than You Think

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phontoAwhile back, Caron and I spent some time looking at our life stories. You’d think as long as we’ve known each other we’d have the details down by now. Yeah, the main events had been told and retold for years.  But, in telling our stories we had missed one simple key to better understanding ourselves and each other. 

Turns out, it isn’t just our life events that affect us

but how we interpret those events, 

particularly in our early years,

that is a critical factor in how we view and react to people and events in our lives right now.

The book, The Relational Soul, by Jim Cofield and Dr. Rich Plass has been hugely helpful to us. We highly recommend it.  In it, Plass and Cofield say, “at the center of our story, we find our relational blueprint.”  This is the internal schematic we draw on to build relationships and interact with others our entire life. 

One way to get a better look at our blueprint is to write out the major turns in our life story and then share them with someone we trust. Doing this can help unravel some of our more mystifying experiences and behaviors. Paired with a skilled counselor we can become aware of negative thought patterns planted in childhood that significantly impact current relationships.

“Hang on,” we said, “Haven’t we done this exercise about 50 times over the years?” Yes, but not in the way Cofield and Plass suggest. Even if you’ve already done some personal timeline work and think you’re beyond it— keep reading.

Or, you might have other objections like:

 “Remembering my past won’t help with what I’ve got going on right now.

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47 Quotes That Will Change Your Life

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IMG_1967True confession: I’m a quote hoarder.

I underline, dog-ear, highlight, copy and paste other people’s wisdom several times a day. I keep 3×5 cards in my purse and scribble quotes in the dark at the movies. I say, “Ooooh that’s a good one.”  A lot.

And I’ve been doing this for years.

So, today, I’m sharing just a sliver of the insight, advise and sayings that have caught my eye, grabbed my heart and challenged me to grow. They are changing me. And I hope these ancient/modern musings make you stop and think or reevaluate your own view of things and, like they have for me, may they give you a little more juice for your journey of living, loving and leading.

What I want you to know: 

* It caused me great pain (no torture) to limit this to merely 47.  

*Quotes appear in no certain order.  They are ALL my favorites.

*Just because I quote someone it doesn’t mean I agree with every single thing they have ever written or what they believe. (Heck, I can’t recall ever agreeing with everything ANYONE has ever said.) I like the adage, “Chew the meat and spit out the bones.”

*All truth is God’s Truth no matter who presents it.  I draw from all kinds of sources that resonate with my own life experience or with the Spirit in me. I want to be able to learn from anyone.

* Pick one quote to pass on or to tape to your bathroom mirror. 

*Read slow and… savor.

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1) The longer one stays in flight from reality, the more painful will be the landing.

Taite Adams

 

2) Your task is not to seek for love but to merely find the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it.

    Rumi

 

3) The thing about denial is that it doesn’t feel like denial when it’s going on. 

    Georgina Kleege

 

4) We become whomever we trust the most says we are.

     Bob Goff

 

5) I was born, when all I once feared, I could love.

    Rabia

 

6) Where is the Life we lost in living? 

    T.S.Eliot

 

7) We have all laid the best plans for our children, and then they go out and ruin it all by growing up any way they want to.

   Kristina Riggle

 

8) The way we treat people we disagree with most is a report card on what we’ve learned about love. 

    Bob Goff

 

9) In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity, we know our friends.

G.K. Chesterton

 

10) For although God is right with us and in us and out of us and all through us, we have to go on journeys to find him.

Thomas Merton

 

 11) When I believed my thoughts I suffered.

       Byron Katie

 

12) It’s all that pretending to be perfect that breeds inauthenticity in the church.

       Rich Mullins

 

13) All paths do not lead to God. But God will meet you on whatever path you’re on.

      Unknown

 

14) You can either practice being right or practice being kind.

Anne Lamott

 

15) Sin never introduces itself to us as pain.

      David Loveless

 

16) The lesson that has been hardest for me to learn: there is nothing to prove. 

      Rob Bell

 

17) You have power over your mind- not over outside events. Realize this and you will find strength. 

     Marcus Aurelius

 

18) You need to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes every day. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on your mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control. 

     Elizabeth Gilbert

 

19) Sometimes, to be happy in the present moment, you have to be willing to give up hope for a better past.

   Robert Holden

 

20) One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

     Bob Marley

 

21) Sometimes, in life, nothing happens. But, sometimes, nothing happens beautifully.

      Colum McCann

 

22) When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.

     Charles Allen

 

23) We find it hard to love imperfect things so we imagine God is just as small as we are. If we expect or need things to be perfect or to our liking ( including ourselves) we have created a certain path for a very unhappy life.

    Richard Rohr

 

24) We are shaped by what we love.

      Goethe

 

25) Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

      Jessica Howell

 

26) The impeded stream is the one that sings.

Wendell Berry

 

27) No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.

      Randy Pausch

 

28) Love is the absence of judgement.

      Dali Lama XIV

 

29) I was changing my outfits, my looks, my wig, sometimes several times a day. That’s when I know my soul is restless. 

     Lady Gaga

 

30) Sin is unwillingness to trust that what God wants for me is only my deepest happiness.

Ignatius of Loyola

 

31) There are three things we have to let go of. The first is the compulsion to be successful. Second, is the compulsion to be right—especially theologically right. (That’s merely an ego trip, and because of this “need” churches split in half, with both parties prisoners of their own egos.) Finally, there is the compulsion to be powerful, to have everything under control.

    Richard Rohr

 

32) The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find out the ones worth suffering for.

  Bob Marley

 

33) The way you measure the difference between being blessed or being spoiled is the degree to which you feel entitled to it. 

    Mike Breen

 

34) Be with those who help your being.

    Rumi

 

35) I will learn to love the skies I’m under

      Mumford & Sons

 

36) Someone’s therapist knows all about you.

       Dominic Riccitello

 

37) None of your sins survived the cross. 

Clark Whitten

 

38) You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.

       Pablo Neruda

 

39) How will you know if you are at the end of your journey if you take the road to another man’s city?

      Thomas Merton

 

40) He has great tranquility of heart who cares for neither the praises or the fault-finding of men. You are not holier if you are praised, nor more worthless if you are found fault with. What you are, that you are. And no human opinion can alter who you are in the sight of God. 

Thomas ‘a Kempis

 

41) It’s never about “them.”

      Byron Katie

 

42) If you don’t love the life God has given you then you’re not seeing the love God has for you. 

Francis Anfuso

 

43) Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.

      Carl Jung

 

44) Suffering is a privilege. It moves us toward thinking of essential things and shakes us out of complacency. Calamity cracks you open, moves you to change your ways. 

Pico Iyer

 

45) Everyone wants to change the world, but no one wants to help mom do the dishes.  

Unknown

 

46) If you do not transform your wounds you will transmit them. 

Richard Rohr

 

47) Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. 

    Thomas ‘a Kempis

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48) BONUS Freebie! 

Whatever comes, God comes with it.

Caron Chandler Loveless

 

 

You can reach me at [email protected]

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

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Seven Habits of Highly Gracious People

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imageSeveral years ago, I was honored to share the platform at a “Better Man” event with Kennan Burch. It was there I first heard his captivating story and a powerful metaphor that has encouraged me so many times over the last few years.

Kennan has since become a good friend and I recently asked him to tell his story again, as a guest blogger, for you, our LiveTrue subscribers. As you read this, I pray you discover a greater grace for yourself and others.

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“One morning I journaled my way into a huge discovery that has changed my thinking forever. It was a discovery that I had a mindset that worked very much like a hockey penalty box. However, mine was not a visible or physical penalty box, it’s an emotional one.

 So there I was in this place of isolation, doing penance.

Back then, this is the way my mind worked. Any time I “goofed up” I would go into this internal place of isolation until I did my atonement and then finally coming out again after I felt that I had done enough.

While I was in this place of emotional isolation, I was still actively engaged with people socially, but privately there was an emotional barrier between us. Above all else I needed to emotionally hide from them.

Seemingly, the worse thing that could happen to me was to let them know I didn’t have control over my stuff. Exposing any failure or loss of control could be devastating.

Why was I doing this? Well, for some reason it just seemed to make sense. If I could demonstrate to God that I was sorry for my infraction, and I could rebuke myself enough, then maybe He wouldn’t have to expose me, or judge me in front of others. I punished myself so He wouldn’t have to.

Here’s what I finally realized.

If I’m in the penalty box, I’m cut off from the only thing that gives freedom.

True life.

And that’s God’s unconditional love. His amazing grace. It’s like cutting off the oxygen to my soul.

 

Can you relate to this idea? Have you ever been in the penalty box? Do you know someone who is in the penalty box?

Is this the plan of a loving God? Or, the plan of an archenemy designed to keep God’s people completely ineffective. Well, here’s what I now know:

The Seven Habits of Highly Gracious People

 Habit 1:  Allow God to love me even in my imperfections

If a person suffers from the Penalty Box mentality, one of the hardest things to do is to allow God to love them, even in their imperfections.  They beat themselves up for their imperfections and somehow believe that God is beating them up too.  Why?  They deserve it.

They aren’t performing to the standards they know they should.  But this is where the journey begins.  This is is the crux of grace.  Grace is unmerited favor, not based on performance, or doing anything at all.

Habit 2:  Have the Freedom to say “No”

Did you know that guilt and grace are opposite, mutually exclusive emotions?  They cannot occupy the same mind-space at the same time.  So, if I am experiencing guilt, I am not experiencing grace.  And vice versa.  People with the Penalty Box mindset do not like disappointing people.   They tend to feel guilty if they say “no” to others demands and agendas for their lives.

They tend to be “guilted” into a lot of activity they ordinary would not say “yes” to.  So, if a person is to experience grace, they need to have the freedom to say “no” to others’ demands and agendas for their lives.

Habit 3:  Have the Freedom to Express your Innermost Thoughts

We all have bad thoughts.  They come and go.  We all would be appalled if someone else could really see and hear what we are thinking.

A person with very high standards may be appalled by their own thoughts.

If they entertain them, and indulge in them, they tend to go into the Penalty Box.  Or, they may simply decide to stuff or ingnore them, and pretend they do not exist.   Either choice isn’t good.

Stuffing thoughts and pretending they don’t exist carries it’s own problems and issues.

 

We can know we are experiencing grace, when we have the freedom

to express our innermost thoughts appropriately without fear of judgment.

 Habit 4:  Feel God’s Love and Forgiveness

When looking at our life’s shortcomings and major infractions, we all have a tendency to think “well, I deserve to feel guilty for this one.”   The “big ones” I mean.  The ones that you really never want anyone else to know about.

If I believe that, then I’m basically saying this, “God you didn’t pay enough for this one.  Your son’s death on the cross was not enough for this one.  I’m going to have to pay for it.”

What does God have to do?  Does he have to send another son?  Do you seriously think you’ve done something that he cannot forgive?   So, if a person is going to experience grace, they needs to feel God’s love and forgiveness throughout their entire body, holding no guilt back – even for big ones.

 Habit 5:  Forgive Others of All Wrong and Remove all Blame

If am to experience grace, the Lord’s Prayer says to “forgive us of our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.”  It’s almost as if God wants to use my heart as a conduit for his love to other people.

But, if I don’t forgive someone, or if I place blame upon someone, then it’s almost like I shut off the flow of grace. If I’m not showing it to others then I’m not receiving any myself.  So, if I want to experience God’s grace I need to forgive others of all wrong a remove all blame.

Habit 6:  Be Open About My Faults (Don’t Wear a Mask)

Hiding is one the defense mechanisms of the Penalty Box mentality.   The internal mantra is, “above all else I must not let others see my faults.”  The tendency is to hide all imperfections and constantly wear a mask.

But if we always wear a mask, then only the mask gets loved. 

And, the fear of taking the mask off gets greater over time as the cavern between the public person and the private person gets bigger.  But, if I am to experience grace, I need to be open about my faults with myself and other safe people.

Habit 7:   Share God’s Grace with Others   

One of the greatest ways to experience more grace is to give it away.

The more grace a person shares with others the more their reservoir will keep being refilled.

Kennan Burch is the Founder of Brand Catalyst.  He is a branding expert and master facilitator.  He spent 20 years at Darden Company and then launched Brand Catalyst Partners in March 2008.  He is also Founder of Dream Builders, a network that provides encouragement, group mentorship, and creative resources to help men pursue their God-given dreams.

Email: [email protected]

Website: www.brandcatalystpartners.com

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What I’ve Learned In The Desert

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I’ve spent some time in the desert. 

One August friends loaned us their home in Palm Desert. Daily temperatures were around 114 degrees. When I went looking for a tennis partner I was told no one played past 11:00am. Just breathing was a chore in that kind of heat. We drove up into the mountains nearby and as far as you could see the land was brittle, barren and forbidding. I think all we did that trip was sit in the pool.

I’ve spent time in gardens, too.

A few weeks ago, Caron and I went to a little town in north Florida and spent a day biking through some of the most beautiful landscape we’d seen in awhile.  Giant, moss-draped oaks lined the streets.

Deep shade kept us cool in the heat of the day. Everywhere you looked there were flowers and miles and miles of lush coastal marshes.  Just a few hours there and we felt refreshed and renewed. 

All relationships and leadership seem to flow on a continuum

between garden and desert experiences. 

It’s interesting to me that our spiritual story begins in a garden in Genesis 1… and our biological story begins in a garden-like womb. Everything we need to thrive and grow is there.  We are fully provided for.

But, look where we’re first introduced to the ministry of Jesus ––in the desert.  God’s Good News Tour doesn’t open on top of a scenic mountain or in a palatial garden.

It starts from a place of isolated emptiness. 

In the beginning of John’s gospel a voice called people to the desert.  The desert is a deeply evocative place in the scriptures, because we’ve been there, metaphorically, in our own lives.  In the Old Testament the desert speaks of leaving, losing, wandering, struggle and preparation. And it’s where people first hear the promise of a promise land… the promise of a messiah

Years ago, after decades of what felt to me like relentless sacrifice in loving and leading, I got increasingly resentful whenever I was forced into “desert time.”  I didn’t deserve to be there. I had worked so hard to get to the “promise land.”

I never said it, but I know I felt that after all I’d done,

I didn’t  deserve ‘no man’s land.’

Know what I’m talking about?

What is your desert of difficulty or temptation or hardship where you feel most discouraged? 

Out in the desert John the Baptist preached,  “Prepare the way for the Lord.  Make straight paths for him.”  

God seems to be saying: make a straight path for me to walk in the desert places of your life… let’s walk straight into it… and straight through it.  You don’t have to stay there, but let’s not miss there.

I’m writing today from the ‘outback’

of the greatest desert experience of my life.

It’s been a couple of years now. And,, as much as I initially agonized in it, over time, I’ve actually grown fond of much of it’s unique terrain and monastic qualities.  

Here’s how I think I got here:

  1.  I had to ‘get straight’ in my mind, that God had led me into this desert experience. I was fully responsible for what got me here and yet, it was God who brought me here. And though there have been many times of extreme loneliness, we know we are not alone.
  1.  I had to ‘get straight” in my mind that this path, while difficult beyond description, was going somewhere profoundly good-and it wasn’t to hell.  God promises that ALL things end up bringing us to where we began- home. And God’s home always has a garden.
  1. I had to ‘get straight’ in my mind that this path, wasn’t going to last forever…. even though I could see no other road ahead. There is a time and season for everything.  And there’s a reason time passes in seasons.God is always creating, redeeming and resurrecting. So this thing IS actually going somewhere. Somewhere really good.

Jesus came bringing good news.  

And a part of what makes it so good is that

it stands up to the heat of even the most difficult places.

Where is your desert?  

Where do you feel you don’t have enough?  Where do you feel hungry for approval?  What are you lacking? What’s always missing? Where is it you don’t deserve to be? What is it you don’t have enough of? Must you always have a next hill to climb, another mission impossible to accomplish?  What things are you using to ‘medicate’ yourself?

* We can get pretty desperate when we think we’re in a desert.*

Wherever that place is for you, God says let me walk with you THERE, because I’m not ashamed of it anymore than I am ashamed of you.  I’m good news to you in the desert, as well as the garden.  I love you. I’m with you…wherever you are.

…Wilderness and desert will sing joyously, the badlands will celebrate and flower—Like the crocus in spring, bursting into blossom, a symphony of song and color.  

Energize the limp hands, strengthen the rubbery knees. Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness, streams flow in the desert. Hot sands will become a cool oasis, thirsty ground a splashing fountain.

The people God has ransomed will come back on this road. They’ll sing as they make their way home to Zion, unfading halos of joy encircling their heads,  Welcomed home with gifts of joy and gladness as all sorrows and sighs scurry into the night.

Isaiah 35 (Message)

This is what I’ve experienced in my current desert.  In the midst of all the pain and loss, a symphony of song and color have emerged that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

You can reach me at [email protected]

***THANKS for SHARING this blog with someone you think might be interested.