Category Archives: Clarity

Posted on

Why Going Outdoors Makes You Smarter, Stronger, & More Spiritual

by

Recently I read a great blog post, by Michael Hyatt, on one of my favorite subjects & I think, one of yours… Especially since it’s summertime.

We hope, like us, you’re doing all you can to get outdoors, even more. Hopefully this will further motivate you as it did us.

3 Life-Changing Benefits of Nature You Can’t Afford to Miss

“Whether we’re in our homes, in our cars, or in our offices, we spend most of our days removed from nature—and it’s not good for us.

I just returned from a fishing trip on the Big Horn River in Montana, and I’m on sabbatical right now in Maine.   I live outside Nashville, Tennessee, and one thing we have in abundance is trees. But Maine has us beat. There are 22 billion trees here—almost 17,000 per person.

We all know about the environmental benefits trees and other plants provide. But how often do you take advantage of the mental, physical, and spiritual benefits we get from nature?

According to one article I recently read, “people today spend up to 25 percent less time enjoying nature than people did just 20 years ago.” Why does that matter? Because every day sheds new light on the benefits of being close to nature, and what we’re missing by staying indoors.

How often do you take advantage of the mental, physical, and spiritual benefits of nature?

“We are influenced by our environment in ways that we are not aware of,” researcher Netta Weinstein says. In fact, experiencing nature can improve our minds, rejuvenate our bodies, and restore our spirits.”

To read this article in its entirety, click on this link:  “Why Going Outdoors Makes You Smarter, Stronger, & More Spiritual.”

Michael Hyatt is the author of the New York Times bestseller, Platform: Get Noticed in a Noisy World. It is also a Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and Amazon bestseller.  He is also the Founder of and writes at: michaelhyatt.com

Posted on

What I’ve Learned In The Desert

by

I’ve spent some time in the desert. 

One August friends loaned us their home in Palm Desert. Daily temperatures were around 114 degrees. When I went looking for a tennis partner I was told no one played past 11:00am. Just breathing was a chore in that kind of heat. We drove up into the mountains nearby and as far as you could see the land was brittle, barren and forbidding. I think all we did that trip was sit in the pool.

I’ve spent time in gardens, too.

A few weeks ago, Caron and I went to a little town in north Florida and spent a day biking through some of the most beautiful landscape we’d seen in awhile.  Giant, moss-draped oaks lined the streets.

Deep shade kept us cool in the heat of the day. Everywhere you looked there were flowers and miles and miles of lush coastal marshes.  Just a few hours there and we felt refreshed and renewed. 

All relationships and leadership seem to flow on a continuum

between garden and desert experiences. 

It’s interesting to me that our spiritual story begins in a garden in Genesis 1… and our biological story begins in a garden-like womb. Everything we need to thrive and grow is there.  We are fully provided for.

But, look where we’re first introduced to the ministry of Jesus ––in the desert.  God’s Good News Tour doesn’t open on top of a scenic mountain or in a palatial garden.

It starts from a place of isolated emptiness. 

In the beginning of John’s gospel a voice called people to the desert.  The desert is a deeply evocative place in the scriptures, because we’ve been there, metaphorically, in our own lives.  In the Old Testament the desert speaks of leaving, losing, wandering, struggle and preparation. And it’s where people first hear the promise of a promise land… the promise of a messiah

Years ago, after decades of what felt to me like relentless sacrifice in loving and leading, I got increasingly resentful whenever I was forced into “desert time.”  I didn’t deserve to be there. I had worked so hard to get to the “promise land.”

I never said it, but I know I felt that after all I’d done,

I didn’t  deserve ‘no man’s land.’

Know what I’m talking about?

What is your desert of difficulty or temptation or hardship where you feel most discouraged? 

Out in the desert John the Baptist preached,  “Prepare the way for the Lord.  Make straight paths for him.”  

God seems to be saying: make a straight path for me to walk in the desert places of your life… let’s walk straight into it… and straight through it.  You don’t have to stay there, but let’s not miss there.

I’m writing today from the ‘outback’

of the greatest desert experience of my life.

It’s been a couple of years now. And,, as much as I initially agonized in it, over time, I’ve actually grown fond of much of it’s unique terrain and monastic qualities.  

Here’s how I think I got here:

  1.  I had to ‘get straight’ in my mind, that God had led me into this desert experience. I was fully responsible for what got me here and yet, it was God who brought me here. And though there have been many times of extreme loneliness, we know we are not alone.
  1.  I had to ‘get straight” in my mind that this path, while difficult beyond description, was going somewhere profoundly good-and it wasn’t to hell.  God promises that ALL things end up bringing us to where we began- home. And God’s home always has a garden.
  1. I had to ‘get straight’ in my mind that this path, wasn’t going to last forever…. even though I could see no other road ahead. There is a time and season for everything.  And there’s a reason time passes in seasons.God is always creating, redeeming and resurrecting. So this thing IS actually going somewhere. Somewhere really good.

Jesus came bringing good news.  

And a part of what makes it so good is that

it stands up to the heat of even the most difficult places.

Where is your desert?  

Where do you feel you don’t have enough?  Where do you feel hungry for approval?  What are you lacking? What’s always missing? Where is it you don’t deserve to be? What is it you don’t have enough of? Must you always have a next hill to climb, another mission impossible to accomplish?  What things are you using to ‘medicate’ yourself?

* We can get pretty desperate when we think we’re in a desert.*

Wherever that place is for you, God says let me walk with you THERE, because I’m not ashamed of it anymore than I am ashamed of you.  I’m good news to you in the desert, as well as the garden.  I love you. I’m with you…wherever you are.

…Wilderness and desert will sing joyously, the badlands will celebrate and flower—Like the crocus in spring, bursting into blossom, a symphony of song and color.  

Energize the limp hands, strengthen the rubbery knees. Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness, streams flow in the desert. Hot sands will become a cool oasis, thirsty ground a splashing fountain.

The people God has ransomed will come back on this road. They’ll sing as they make their way home to Zion, unfading halos of joy encircling their heads,  Welcomed home with gifts of joy and gladness as all sorrows and sighs scurry into the night.

Isaiah 35 (Message)

This is what I’ve experienced in my current desert.  In the midst of all the pain and loss, a symphony of song and color have emerged that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

You can reach me at [email protected]

***THANKS for SHARING this blog with someone you think might be interested.

Posted on

Don’t Take This Personal, but… -Part 1

by

Our last blog was a sweet little take on 8 Ways to Give Better Feedback. Getting good at giving feedback is a significant life skill we can all use whether we’re an employer, parent or …a heat-seeking HOA president. (more on him below)

Giving feedback is easy.

But what does it take to receive feedback…

without embarrassment, anger, tears, defensiveness, sharpening your ninja blades,

or bingeing on double chocolate cake? 

Well, I’m working on that. Most of my life, I’ve been horrible at this.   

When some of us hear we’re missing the mark in anything, even if it’s done in the sweetest, most tender way, it feels like an all out personal attack. We are the ultra sensitive lot and we hang out on the far end of what I’ll call the FSM. (Feedback Sensitivity Meter.)

At the opposite end are The Few, The Proud, The Brave who cannot wait to get their job performance review because:  a) they’re sure they’ve knocked it out of the park   b)they can’t wait to take the next hill in their personal development.

Can we just agree not to like those people? 

On a scale of 1-10 where would you put yourself on the Feedback Sensitivity Meter?

 

>———————————————————–<

 

(1– you’re oblivious to criticism, 10-you need serious meds before any corrective encounter)

 

* What might your direct report say about the number you chose?

* Your friends?

* Your siblings?

* Your roommate?

* Your spouse?

 

If you think you’re between a 1-4 —ask some of the folks above to confirm

your impression and give yourself a high-five.

If you think you’re between a 5-10—keep reading. 

 

First thing we always hear when someone has correction to offer us is…

“Don’t take this personal, but….”

In the famous words of Kathleen Kelly to Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, “All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s personal to a lot of people. Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” 

 

you've got mail

 

Many of us already spend a lot time in our heads in self-criticism. Some of us lived in critical, abusive or unsupportive homes as kids. We are always on alert, reactive to the sting of even well-intentioned feedback. Deep inside, we believe we are flawed and any confirmation of this, like someone suggesting personal improvement, can feel humiliating.

So, how can we open ourselves up to constructive feedback about

our work, our habits, our communication style…our flaws?

A number of significant shifts need to happen in the core of our soul. Our foundation is cracked. Our anchor is loose. The honest truth is some part of us needs to be spiritually and emotionally re-parented.

Oh great, you say. I’ll just add THAT to the calendar for next week.

 Yeah, that needs to be seriously looked at, but in the meantime start here:

– OBSERVE the way you filter information coming toward you.   

Each of us has a personality pattern that receives incoming comments through a uniquely constructed, subconscious filter.

You can say all day long that the grass is green but if I’ve got amber sunglasses on I’m going insist the grass looks gold.  Our unique personality style colors everything we see and hear.

There are nine different personality filters and in our LIVE TRUE Personality & Relational Styles Workshop we teach the beauty and the distortion each type brings to the table.

Once we see the predictable filter we use to hear feedback 

we can better adjust our reactions to other points of view.

 A view point is simply a view from a point. If I am at one place on a mountain in Switzerland I can see a whole lot of the landscape. But, I only see what my view point allows me to see.  Someone else on another spot on the same mountain will have different vistas to report.

When we learn to receive feedback in an undefended way it opens us up to so many (at least 8 other) ways of viewing our life, our work and our relationships. Each persons view is valid. And each of us is convinced our view point offers the best perspective.

But, it’s just our view from our point on the mountain.

To map the whole mountain we need other eyes on the topography. 

When we argue, often it’s because both parties are seeing the same mountain from two different points. We both see it correctly. Perfectly. And we spend enormous energy trying to convince each other our view is the best. 

True spiritual and emotional maturity is learning to seek and

accept the valid perspective of others. 

They help us see and complete “The True Picture of Us.” They see us from their spot on the mountain. They report to us what we cannot possibly see on our own.

 And it helps if they do this in love.

A few months ago I was coming home from an errand with two grandkids in the backseat. Taylor -seven.  JD-five. Because I firmly believe every car ride with a child must be educational, conversational or recreational I proposed a game as we pulled into our subdivision.

“I bet I can make it into our driveway before you can count to ten.” 

Always up for a challenge the kids start counting, and after seeing no oncoming cars, I take a quick short cut, a left turn onto our street….instead of going all the way around the appropriate roundabout at the intersection.

For ten delightful seconds there was great fun in the car

and I pulled victoriously into our driveway right at the shout of “TEN!”

Then a car screeched to a halt in front of our house and a man bolted up our driveway. And without so much as a ” Good afternoon, ” he burst out yelling,

“Do you know what you just did back there?!” 

“uhhh..I’m sorry..” (What in the world– I think- my blood hitting boil) ” and you are….?”

“Do you realize that was against the law?! You must use the roundabout. Someone could have been hurt back there.”

“Oh for goodness, sake!!!  There were no other cars in sight. And, who, sir, might you be?” 

“I am Helmut Weinerhowzer- President of the Homeowners Association. We are trying to run a nice, respectable neighborhood here. We can’t have people breaking the law! 

Adrenalin is now shooting out my pores, “Well, I assure you, sir, I AM a respectable neighbor and….”

At this point, David hears commotion outside and comes to investigate. And after seeing the man’s outrage he says in his best imitation of Solomon,

 ” I see. And was anyone hurt in this incident?” 

“Well, no. But, they could have been…it’s my job to see that things are done right.  I even pick up the trash on the tennis court. We just want a nice, decent neighborhood.” 

 “I’m sure you do a great job at that and I can assure you that’s the kind of neighborhood we want as well. I don’t believe you’ll have any trouble in the future with illegal driving from us. Thanks for stopping by.” 

“Ok, well. I’m just trying to do my job.” 

They shake hands like two guys after a pick up game.

I barely tag the man’s hand, my heart racing, my eyes blazing hot. 

Our local neighborhood watchdog just dropped by that afternoon to offer me a bit of constructive feedback from his unique point of view. And he truly had one —I never even saw his car because he was driving right behind me.

I stand corrected.

* Whose perspective have you been discounting? What have you observed about the way you filter correction directed to you?

If you could use a little help seeing the bigger picture, a larger perspective of your church, staff, team, marriage or yourself, we’re here to help you.

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

Posted on

8 Ways to Give Better Feedback

by

I was standing in the lobby of our church one Sunday morning feeling spent but pretty satisfied after teaching my heart out in multiple weekend services.  People were walking by, being generous with their comments about my message and I was grateful that it seemed I hit the target I was after.  Then a guy walks up and says,

“ Good message today pastor, but did you get a chance to hear

Joel Osteen on tv last night? Now THAT boy can preach!”

You can imagine that feedback put the joy of Jesus in me.

Today is Mastering Mondays where we tackle an issue that could make a substantial difference in the way you lead and love others.

Whether you’re coaching your staff, a volunteer team or making constructive comments to a friend or family member here are eight things I try to keep in mind when it comes to offering feedback. 

1) Check the clock: Is this the best time for this person or group to hear your observations? You may have some really great thoughts to offer but if the timing is off they won’t hear a thing you have to say.

What’s the best time for this person?

2) Take your temperature: Avoid giving feedback when you’re angry. There’s no way you can come across objective or communicate in a tone that will be helpful or memorable. Cool down first. Wait at least 24 hrs if you’re feeling hot under the collar.

And, whatever you do, don’t fire off a terse email. (That has always come back to bite me.)

 3) Know their personality style(s). The more you understand what drives and motivates the person you’re trying to advise the better connection they will make with your comments. Each personality style reacts in a unique way to criticism.

Some thrive on it. Some can only see it as a full on personal attack. When you know their Enneagram Personality Style you are better equipped to tailor your approach in a way that will be the most beneficial and effective. 

(*Do you know the nine unique Enneagram styles?  Click here for more information about bringing our” LiveTrue Personality & Relational Styles Workshop” to your office or group.) 

4) Question your motive. Why is giving feedback at this time to this person so important to you? Maybe it’s part of your job description or you may realize you have another agenda.

5) Who is the best person to give this feedback? Maybe it’s you. Maybe there is someone else who is better situated or suited to comment on the situation. Be open to the thought that you aren’t the best person for the job. Are you seen as the person in authority to offer this feedback?

6) Who’s asking? Unless it’s a scheduled job performance review, or the person has asked for your comments, hold your tongue.  Uninvited negative feedback is asking for conflict and friction.

7) Know yourself. If you are easily offended by criticism you may soft pedal what really needs to be said to someone. On the other hand, if you are generally insensitive to criticism you may be oblivious to how your direct delivery is crushing the person you are trying to help.

Get a good handle on how you receive feedback and adjust your approach to compensate for

your strengths and weaknesses in empathy for your listener.  

8) Go in asking questions. Before bringing in your comments, suggestions or expert, sage advice ask questions like:

* How do you think you’re doing these days? On a scale of 1-10 where would you put your attitude, performance, teamwork, etc?

* What do you like most about what you do here?

* Where have you felt most supported? Where could you use more support?

* Who do you best relate to on our staff and why?

* What improvements would you like to suggest for me &/or our team that would make the overall working experience/goal we’re trying to accomplish even better for you?  

There will always be defensiveness and hurt feelings when we offer feedback to some people.

It’s our job as leaders to attempt as much as possible to understand and balance

the need for improvement with the heart of the individual. 

If you could use some “fresh eyes” on your staff or team, business or ministry contact us. We offer three plus decades of experience in leading at every level.  CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

You can reach me at [email protected]

***THANKS for SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

Posted on

Seeing The Possible In The Impossible

by

Here are three questions I’ve asked myself a lot, over the years. See if you relate: 

  • Do I have ‘enough’ to successfully live the life I think is possible?
  • Do I have ‘enough’ to successfully love, the most significant people in my life?
  • Do I have ‘enough’ to successfully lead, the business or ministry initiatives I think might be possible?”

As I asked myself these questions many times I answered, “No. Not enough.“  Depending on the situation, it seemed  I didn’t have enough energy… time… finances…compassion…wisdom… understanding… talent… opportunities, power, you name it.

Some part of a plan or dream I was working on

seemed impossible. 

And that’s when I started learning:

To do the impossible,

we must access the invisible.

It seems most of our impossible situations involve either :  

Relationships: 

Where most of the emphasis seems to be on things like:

* Doing more for our significant others

* Getting the communication right

*  Working more on being selfless

* ETC.

OR

Responsibilities: 

Where most of the emphasis seems to be on:

* Making things happen

* Getting the right things done right

* Developing strategic plans

* Building great teams

* Taking the next hill

* Having enough money

 

When we’re challenged in relational loving or responsible leading,

we initially see the impossible. 

But we are designed to look into the invisible.

1.  Face the impossible but don’t focus on it

Back in the ’70’s I was a member of the USF Sky Diving Club.  I remember the first time I jumped, out of an airplane.  (Even now as I write this, this doesn’t sound like such a smart thing to do.)

I had been given the following instructions: 1st-  jump when you are told; 2nd- count to 10 and pull the ripcord; 3rd- in the unlikely event that it doesn’t open, pull the reserve chute open; and 4th- when you hit the ground, a truck will take you back to the jump center.

So jump day came and after the plane ascended to the proper height, I jumped when I was told. I counted to 10 and pulled the cord, but the chute failed to open. I then proceeded to the backup plan. The reserve chute also failed to open & at that point I said. “Oh boy, When I hit the ground, I bet the truck won’t be there either.”  

 Yes. I really did skydive and thankfully the chute actually opened.

But, sometimes, when we think a situation looks totally impossible it’s because we’ve limited our focus to us, our circumstances or the other people involved.  

Jesus knew we would do this and He taught us a better way, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ( Matthew 19) 

 Right now, what is your “this is impossible?” 

2.  Focus on the invisible so you can do what seems impossible

Often our default ‘fixation’ is on what we can actually see… what looks problematic.. .what looks limiting… the problems are plain as day.  God seems to want us  to ‘fix’ our focus on the True solution.   His unseen provision of abundant resources.

Some years ago we took our kids to the Shark Encounter at Sea World.  We were led into a dark, circular room, where a guy stood lecturing on interesting shark facts, the most memorable being that (apparently someone has counted) there are more sharks than there are people on the planet.  He told us sharks are everywhere.

And just as I started to think, Ok buddy, let’s get a move on. We came to see sharks not to talk about them, someone hit a button and all the panels raised to reveal we were actually standing smack in the middle of a humungous shark tank, with giant sharks swimming all around us. 

They had been around us the entire time and we didn’t realize it.  

That day marked me.  I’ve never forgotten it.  I sensed God saying: “David, this is a picture of Me and all My Resources that constantly surround you in true spiritual reality. Remember, there is always more here than what you can see.” 

2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.   

I was sitting on my back porch early this morning, looking up at the trees, sky, and the sun thinking  how most of what we really need, we can’t see.  I couldn’t see the massive amounts of oxygen the trees and plants were producing for me.  I couldn’t see the powerful energy the sun was giving to the earth and to my body.  Yet, I was totally benefiting from their affects.

God has surrounded you with enormous spiritual resources like energy… love peace…joy…strength…hope…power, freedom, wisdom, grace, relationship…blessing… and favor.  These and more are flowing all around you for the taking right now.

 Once you see the invisible you can do the impossible.

3.  Love and lead by faith until you see the possible emerge

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

2Corinthians 5:7

      *  WALK: make your way toward what needs to happen; use whatever opportunity is presenting itself to you right now. Choose the one that gives you the most peace. I’ve found as I continue to walk in the direction I’ve been led to go, something good will always happen. It may not be all I need to accomplish this thing, but it’s enough to go on for now.  

      * WAIT:  know there is probably going to be lag time between the time something is impossible to when it becomes possible.  During that lag, continue to fix, to focus the eyes of your heart on the invisible realm of life where the greatest, truest change happens… and keep walking in full trust that you always have ALL you really need in this moment.

What impossible situation are you currently facing? 

 Where is your focus?

If it remains on you, others, or your circumstances it will always look impossible.

* What unseen resources are you counting on? 

*  Do you need to keep walking until the next good thing happens?

* Or do you need to wait in faith, with trust filled patience, knowing that you’re just simply in the lag time between what is and what surely will be?

To do the impossible,

we must access the invisible.

 And sometimes we need a little help learning  to view our life situations with as much confidence as God does.  That’s why we’re here. 

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***THANKS for SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

Posted on

The #1 Key To Relational Intimacy

by

My husband, David, has always been a strong, confident guy who didn’t get easily rattled when things went wrong or difficulties popped up. He was good at tackling huge circumstances and moving on.

But, this was not always the case when certain challenges surfaced between us.

I didn’t realize, that just because a guy responds well to huge vocational obstacles he may not process relational ones with the same ease.

There were many times my reactivity and sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all of his thoughts and feelings. Certain subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me, in David’s case, peace was the holy grail.

If our desire is to experience deep enjoyment and satisfaction in

our most significant relationships we need

one important thing.

Without this key, we stay locked and isolated from those we most want connection with.

But, once we possess this key enormous freedom, intimacy and oneness are open to us.

Probably, THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT we can give to those closest to us is

emotional safety.

No matter how tough we seem on the outside, our souls are fragile. And without a safe, secure, relational environment we keep ourselves defended from whatever or whomever we sense may trample our sense of internal security.

Here are actions we sometimes take to protect ourselves from others when we feel emotional stress:

1) We isolate, walk away, clam up or distance ourselves.

2) We dislike feeling alone or rejected so we pursue others even more intensely.

3) We do a confused combination of both pursuing others and then distancing ourselves when we fear they are getting too close.

So, when we sense relational instability or conflict many of us subconsciously choose

one of these three tactics:  

* We move toward others (to pursue them)

* We move against others (to fight them)

* We move away from others (to flee them)

If you find yourself experiencing friction in an important relationship here are some questions to ask each other that may help you discern if some of the struggle you feel is generated from one or both of you feeling “unsafe.”

 

1) How emotionally safe do you feel in this relationship? (on a scale of 1-10)

2) Are certain subjects off-limits to talk about, either, because

     A) you don’t want to stir up trouble with this person or

     B) you feel uncomfortable with the anxiety that topic creates for you?

3) Do you feel safe to discuss any subject in this relationship?

4) Do you feel safe to share your deepest feelings & needs with this person?

5) Do you feel safe enough to share even your most negative emotions?

6) Can you be truly honest with this person?

7) Are you able to honestly and effectively communicate areas of disagreement and conflict without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal?

Emotional safety is #1 THE key to relational intimacy and happiness.

But, if the most significant person in your life is not always the one you feel SAFEST to share all your thoughts and feelings with —this should be a serious concern.

There are good reasons why you may not feel safe or why your relationship feels stuck in certain areas of dissatisfaction. And, there are good reasons the other person responds the way they do when they sense tension between you.

Healthy relationships offer enough secure emotional space

for us to be open and vulnerable with our hurts, confusion, hopes and stresses

without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal.

And we ALL need a little help to truly see

our own unhealthy patterns of living and relating.

We know what it’s like to not always feel totally safe in your most important relationship. AND, we know it is totally possible to turn that around to experience incredible joy, freedom and intimacy. 

If you’d like more information on how we can help you create a safer relational environment

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***PLEASE SHARE THIS BLOG with someone you think may also benefit.

Posted on

#1 Way To Turn Conflict Around

by

Not long ago, David and I were having one of those little “discussions” that couples/friends/co–workers/parents/siblings/ humans have from time to time.  And somewhere in the middle of our slightly energized chat we realized both of us were saying pretty much the same thing:

 “I just never get it right for you.” 

 Ever said something like that?

 Or, you might have said, “You never listen to me.” “You never think about me.” “You never notice me.”  ” You  never appreciate me.”  Etc. 

Here are three questions we can put to comments like these to help us see how viable they are:

1) Did I just EXAGGERATE? 

Any time we use the word NEVER–( or you ALWAYS…) it should be a red flag that perhaps we have engaged our internal “spin doctor” who has just tossed out a desperate comment intended to get a rise out of the other person… a sweeping generalization that FEELS totally accurate to us in the moment.

 This a good time to back up the truck and right size the giant global meaning

 we just gave to a situation that might, upon more objective reflection,

 fit on a U.S. postage stamp.

 2) Is it TRUE? 

We are learning that there is one thing that’s ALWAYS a good idea to QUESTION —and that’s EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THOUGHT we have about others, situations and ourselves.

In our case, we both soon saw that the statement “ I just never get it right for you” was categorically UNTRUE. But it did sneak onto our negative thought trains and took us for a momentary ride.

 Question ALL your negative thoughts and comments.

 Always.

Ask yourself, is this really true?

 But, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION we ask ourselves these days:

 

3) Is what I just said about you actually about ME?

I can’t speak for you, but I am often quite sure about what other people need to do, or not do, how they should live, or think, dress, speak or behave. When I see nothing amiss with me, I have all kinds of time to focus on the “issues” of others around me.

We have 20/20 vision about other people, but we are blind as bats about ourselves. 

We are masters at protecting against what we do not want to see in ourselves so we “project” (just like a movie projector) our own issues on to the people around us. I’m not making this up. We are so defended against seeing our own bad stuff we throw it off on others.

We are CONVINCED the problem is solely with the other person. I mean, anyone can see how at fault they are!

One of the greatest hidden gifts other people are to us is that they actually reflect back to us, the uglier parts of us, those parts we are too afraid to look at on our own.

                         We can learn to see what’s really going on inside us by what we complain about in others.

Some have called this a “turn around.” And they believe EVERYTHING we dislike about someone else is what we dislike in ourselves but just can’t bring ourselves to see or admit it.

 The fault we find in someone else is the fault we cannot find with ourselves.

So, we learn to take our statements like, “She doesn’t like me.” “You don’t understand me.” “You always just think about yourself” etc., and turn them back toward us.

Now those judgements become: “I don’t like her “ or, even more accurate, “I don’t like me.” “I don’t understand you” or “I don’t understand myself.”  “I always just think about me.”

These turn arounds sting. We’re appalled at how these comments sound now and we fiercely fight to believe they are NOT TRUE.

But, if we get still, and sit with them awhile we will see they are true. At least, to some degree.  

By doing “turn arounds” we learn to see our true selves. We nail ourselves by the things we blame on the people around us.

 We project on to others what we don’t want to see about ourselves.

 Jesus had a little to say about this.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”   Matthew 7

If we truly want to GROW and CHANGE… if we want deeply satisfying relationships…if we want lasting transformation…we will no longer turn a blind eye.   We will notice the negative things we accuse others of and turn them around to see finally ourselves.

 I have a done a fair bit of projecting in my life.

 I’m learning a better way.

                                                       It takes guts. And it helps to extend kindness and compassion…to yourself.

Next time you find yourself placing judgments on someone else,

 make an experiment of it,

 try a “turn around”

and see what you discover – big as life- in your own backyard.

 And if you get stuck pointing fingers we are here @youlivetrue.com to help you turn that around. Or, maybe, this is something your team or staff could benefit from learning about and practicing.

***Please SHARE this blog with someone you think might be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected]

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

Posted on

Who Do You Think You Are?

by

Here’s an important part of my sense of things these days, as I look at my life and others:

We are all wanting to feel secure, safe, and significant in every part of our lives.

We desire to live, love, and lead from deeply satisfied souls.  

Yet something seems to be standing in our way… and it’s not what we think it is.

Here is the message I taught this past weekend at Grace Church, in Longwood, Fla.  You can view it as my video blog for the week:)  You might even think about watching 1/2 one morning for your devotions and watch the other 1/2 another morning... and see if something fresh begins awakening within you.  If it does, feel free to pass the video or link on to others.

Posted on

Are You Black & White or Fifty Shades of Gray?

by

In the early days of processing my husband’s betrayal I rejected his vehement declarations that went something like this:

 “Even though I did this, you need to believe me, I never, ever stopped loving you.” 

Yeah, right. There was no way I was buying that.

We just don’t say we love someone and do something so utterly and horribly unloving. 

Or do we?

One of several things that saved our marriage was my learning to hold,

simultaneously

BOTH my husbands many obvious virtues AND this one unthinkable vice. 

 

Like many people, I had often seen my world in black and white. You’re either for us OR against us. You like me OR you don’t. You’re good OR you’re bad. You’re either right OR you’re wrong. It’s either all OR nothing.

I had little capacity for complexity or a healthy, integrated, middle ground. 

 So…

 He was either a loving, godly husband OR an awful, lying cheat.

….an honorable pastor OR a sinful man

…a man of God OR a tool of the enemy.

 

In my hurt and disorientation I could not see the TRUTH of PARADOX:

two opposing statements that are BOTH TRUE at the same time. 

 

Like this familiar statement that most Christians would agree with:

~Jesus was both God and man.

As Mary once said, “But how can this be?”

The same way you can be both a father and a son or a mother and a daughter or a teacher and and an artist or …a Christian and a sinner.

Two different aspects of the same person co-existing. This is called “BOTH AND” or Non-dualistic or “AMPERSAND ( & ) THINKING.” With ampersand thinking you can learn to accept the horror that your loving husband has ALSO been unfaithful, or that your esteemed pastor has ALSO morally failed. 

It means that SIN NEVER CANCELS OUT the GOODNESS in a person’s soul.

It means you can see both aspects of a situation without judging it all one way or the other.

It means you are learning to see how you, too, have goodness & compromise in certain areas of your life.

In her excellent article, “How Can He Do This and Say He Loves Me,” Debbie Lasser describes her own growth in understanding “how can this be?” after discovering her husband’s failures:

” With greater education about (stress) and trauma…I learned how the brain can literally ‘dissociate’ and close off certain memories or behaviors while others take over. I learned that pain, fear, and anger can distract one temporarily from healthy behaviors to choose behaviors to comfort and survive.

I slowly began to believe that betrayal is complicated—not black-and-white. When my worldview expanded to include other possibilities to my simple and legalistic thinking of the past, I could take in the both/and truths of (my husband) Mark’s behaviors: he did love me AND he was medicating some extraordinary pain with unhealthy behaviors.

…embracing ampersand thinking was what led me to stay with my husband. What I knew was that I was in tremendous pain from his infidelity AND I truly loved him. Speaking up about that pain and getting support allowed me to hold the tension of both truths—and to choose to stay and work toward a new life of faithfulness with Mark.” 

Living in the tension of two opposite truths about a person we love or a situation we care about requires a journey through complexity. Most of us don’t like that. That’s too much work, too much mystery. Too much letting go of our need to be right.

We want simple, absolute certainty.

Like, get on or get off the bus.

 Why should I see fifty shades of gray when life can be so much clearer in black or white? 

 

Because REAL LIFE is never just black or white.

 

God Himself is not Father OR Son OR Holy Spirit— but all three in One Person at the same time. A fairly mysterious, simultaneous complexity.

But God is perfect, you say. What about our fallible friends & spouses & family? Do we just OVERLOOK their sin?!

We never overlook pain or unhealthy behavior.

And yet as we do that we also see how our perfect God handles OUR SINS  by receiving, welcoming & holding BOTH our dark & light- the first time, every time for all time.

(Psalm 139:12 …the darkness and the light are both alike to You.)

When this has been gifted to us– where do we get permission to see & hold each other any other way?

 

My journey to embrace the paradox has not been easy. 

But it has made ALL the difference.

It made forgiveness & compassion & complete restoration of our marriage possible.

So, I’m wondering today what situation or relationship with others or even your own view of yourself has you thinking in black and white? Is that bringing you closer to understanding and resolution or is it being destructive, hurtful, limiting, punishing and exclusive?

Sadly, so many marriages, families, friendships, churches and businesses

are being fatally severed by well-meaning but divisive people entrenched in either/or thinking.  

We all need help to learn how to see a hurtful situation or relationship with more clarity, find a better balance to what feels like opposites, to gain insight, compassion and love. We can’t just read a good book or talk with a friend if we hope to rewire years and years of reinforced patterns of black and white thinking.

That’s why we’re here. Let us help you learn how to see and hold what feels like polar opposites with healing grace and truth.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected].

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

Posted on

Why Ignorance Is Bliss

by

One of the fun things I like to do with my grandkids is to take them out driving.   By driving, I mean, I let them think they’re steering the car while I have my feet on the pedals.

I’m of the mind that you’re never too young to learn how to drive.

And our grandson, Owen, has become totally obsessed. 

 He’s 2 1/2.

Owen is an adventurous, confident and stubborn child (sounds like someone I know.) And he brings all his energy & self-determination to all of the driving experiences we’ve had.

The other day, as I saw we were about to hit a parked car, I put my hands back on the wheel Owen yelled, and I quote,

“G-daddy, don’t do that! Me know what I’m doing.  Move hands!”  

 Now here is a 2 1/2yr child telling me, the car owner, someone who has a bonafide certificate from the Richard Petty Speedway Driving School and a multi-platinum black belt in defensive driving –this kid is telling ME to stand down– he knows what he is doing. 

 It’s crazy how totally deluded he is about this.

 But, I’ve done this plenty of times.

Today is Mastering Mondays where we tackle an issue that could make a substantial difference in the way you lead and love others.

It seems we’re taught the way our lives should play out is to start as a student in something until eventually we gain enough knowledge and experience to become the teacher (parent, leader, etc.)

But, is this really how it’s supposed to go?

I’ve loved being a student. And these days Caron and I have become avid students concerning the engines that run our lives.  We can’t get enough of this stuff.

I’ve also loved being a teacher… being able to impart to others the good things I’ve learned.  I’ve loved teaching and discipling people…. one-on-one… in small groups… and in large venues. This past week I taught a group in our home.

And this coming weekend I’ll be teaching a larger group at a church service in our area.

It’s what I do. I love it.

But, I’m coming to see that as good as all this has been, sometimes I have over- identified myself as “the teacher.”  And when I do that I feel like one who has  “graduated” from “learner of many things”  to “master of all.” 

In a recent blog, “5 Ways Failure Makes You A Better Leader” I talked about how Jesus invited us to follow him as his disciples.  The greek word for “disciple” is “mathetes” which means LEARNER.  A learner is someone who is walking the proverbial path of 3 steps forward, 2 steps backward… and, yet,there is still forward motion, towards something and Someone profoundly grand.

Jesus’s invitation to us is to constantly be learning from Him like

someone surrendered to the art of living, loving, and leading under THE rabbi.

At Jesus’ first public ministry appearance, found in Mark 1, He said: “The time has come.  The Kingdom of God is here.”  

The greek word for “time” used here is “kairos.”  A part of its meaning refers to: something or someone, that was unplanned, a situation or event we can perceive as either positive or negative…. that presents itself to us…sometimes it comes in disguise… but actually it is some part of the life we really want and that God has ultimately designed for us.

The kingdom of God is available to us right there in THAT “kairos” moment.

But, here is the problem.  

Even though Jesus came announcing that the life we are designed for is available every moment, we can miss it because we think we already know what we need to know… like, my grandson, Owen, we totally know what we are doing.

And we take the adult/teacher stance and miss the wonder of new thoughts and growth.

Jesus says one of the keys to accessing the best of life here, is to be child-like.  (Not childish).

In Matthew 11 Jesus says, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.”

Students (Children) are: 

* Curious

* Questioning

* Fascinated

* Open

* Growing

* Positive

Think- “Curious George.”

Teachers are: 

* Convinced

* Often Bored

* Closed

* Plateaued

* Often Negative

Leader’s are typically seen as THE teachers, holding the most clout in a room. There is status in being a leader/teacher. We don’t like lowering our status, do we?

But the best leaders are rabid learners.

When our hearts and minds are open, we can drop into deeper levels of living.

When we are so invested in the “I Know” mind, we get stuck, stagnant and transformation stops.

Sometimes, we get to the point we’ve developed a POSITION on most everything and then we spend the rest of our lives defending our positions. That defensiveness is our egoic, false identity:  “I know”.  “I’m the one that is right.”  And when we argue with or resist a moment… a circumstance… in a conversation, somehow we feel our identity being threatened.

Here are some ways I try to keep myself in student mode: 

1.  When reading the Bible, I hit the reset button and act like I’m hearing or reading the passage for the 1st time.  Instead of ‘knowing’ that I already know everything there is to know about that section, I try to read with a child- like or “beginners mind” approaching it with more curiosity and wonder.  

2.  Whenever I’m outside… whether it’s early in the morning with my coffee… or sitting at a stop light… or paddling in my kayak… I’m intentional at looking at whatever’s around me, a cloud, tree, bird, and I think things like: “How in the world does that even work?”  Noticing, questioning things. 

3.  Whenever I’m exposed to ideas or beliefs different from mine I pray: “Let your kingdom come (Big ideas, big beliefs, big framework, big love) and let my kingdom go (small ideas, small beliefs, small framework)  I’m asking : How can I postion my soul, my heart to be more open to what is most TRUE about myself, others, and God, through this new idea?

4.  Whenever I’m experiencing a circumstance or relationship I’m uncomfortable in: If I really believe Romans 8 that says: “I KNOW that ALL things work together for good…” then I remind myself that ALL that happens to me is not against me (even though it can feel that way) but it is FOR me.  It is for my benefit.

Instead of shutting down, I seek to allow it to open me up to whatever else there is for me

to learn about others and myself.

Each morning, I look at a picture in my office that shows two rabbis.  I’ve often knelt in front of the picture and said: “As I walk with you this day, Lord,  be my teacher. I don’t know as much as I think I do.  Teach me to think like you think; feel what you feel; and respond the way you do.”

IMG_6431

Even as we lead others, we are first and foremost called to be learners. That’s where all the life-juice is. And I want all of that I can get. 

What’s your daily default switch:  Acting like a learner or acting like a teacher?