Category Archives: Marriage/Family

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The #1 Key To Relational Intimacy

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My husband, David, has always been a strong, confident guy who didn’t get easily rattled when things went wrong or difficulties popped up. He was good at tackling huge circumstances and moving on.

But, this was not always the case when certain challenges surfaced between us.

I didn’t realize, that just because a guy responds well to huge vocational obstacles he may not process relational ones with the same ease.

There were many times my reactivity and sensitivity stifled the freedom David needed to be fully open to me with all of his thoughts and feelings. Certain subjects were hot buttons for me and David learned to steer clear of those if he wanted to keep the peace. His peace. And, unbeknownst to me, in David’s case, peace was the holy grail.

If our desire is to experience deep enjoyment and satisfaction in

our most significant relationships we need

one important thing.

Without this key, we stay locked and isolated from those we most want connection with.

But, once we possess this key enormous freedom, intimacy and oneness are open to us.

Probably, THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT we can give to those closest to us is

emotional safety.

No matter how tough we seem on the outside, our souls are fragile. And without a safe, secure, relational environment we keep ourselves defended from whatever or whomever we sense may trample our sense of internal security.

Here are actions we sometimes take to protect ourselves from others when we feel emotional stress:

1) We isolate, walk away, clam up or distance ourselves.

2) We dislike feeling alone or rejected so we pursue others even more intensely.

3) We do a confused combination of both pursuing others and then distancing ourselves when we fear they are getting too close.

So, when we sense relational instability or conflict many of us subconsciously choose

one of these three tactics:  

* We move toward others (to pursue them)

* We move against others (to fight them)

* We move away from others (to flee them)

If you find yourself experiencing friction in an important relationship here are some questions to ask each other that may help you discern if some of the struggle you feel is generated from one or both of you feeling “unsafe.”

 

1) How emotionally safe do you feel in this relationship? (on a scale of 1-10)

2) Are certain subjects off-limits to talk about, either, because

     A) you don’t want to stir up trouble with this person or

     B) you feel uncomfortable with the anxiety that topic creates for you?

3) Do you feel safe to discuss any subject in this relationship?

4) Do you feel safe to share your deepest feelings & needs with this person?

5) Do you feel safe enough to share even your most negative emotions?

6) Can you be truly honest with this person?

7) Are you able to honestly and effectively communicate areas of disagreement and conflict without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal?

Emotional safety is #1 THE key to relational intimacy and happiness.

But, if the most significant person in your life is not always the one you feel SAFEST to share all your thoughts and feelings with —this should be a serious concern.

There are good reasons why you may not feel safe or why your relationship feels stuck in certain areas of dissatisfaction. And, there are good reasons the other person responds the way they do when they sense tension between you.

Healthy relationships offer enough secure emotional space

for us to be open and vulnerable with our hurts, confusion, hopes and stresses

without fear of rebuke, rejection or reprisal.

And we ALL need a little help to truly see

our own unhealthy patterns of living and relating.

We know what it’s like to not always feel totally safe in your most important relationship. AND, we know it is totally possible to turn that around to experience incredible joy, freedom and intimacy. 

If you’d like more information on how we can help you create a safer relational environment

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***PLEASE SHARE THIS BLOG with someone you think may also benefit.

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#1 Way To Turn Conflict Around

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Not long ago, David and I were having one of those little “discussions” that couples/friends/co–workers/parents/siblings/ humans have from time to time.  And somewhere in the middle of our slightly energized chat we realized both of us were saying pretty much the same thing:

 “I just never get it right for you.” 

 Ever said something like that?

 Or, you might have said, “You never listen to me.” “You never think about me.” “You never notice me.”  ” You  never appreciate me.”  Etc. 

Here are three questions we can put to comments like these to help us see how viable they are:

1) Did I just EXAGGERATE? 

Any time we use the word NEVER–( or you ALWAYS…) it should be a red flag that perhaps we have engaged our internal “spin doctor” who has just tossed out a desperate comment intended to get a rise out of the other person… a sweeping generalization that FEELS totally accurate to us in the moment.

 This a good time to back up the truck and right size the giant global meaning

 we just gave to a situation that might, upon more objective reflection,

 fit on a U.S. postage stamp.

 2) Is it TRUE? 

We are learning that there is one thing that’s ALWAYS a good idea to QUESTION —and that’s EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THOUGHT we have about others, situations and ourselves.

In our case, we both soon saw that the statement “ I just never get it right for you” was categorically UNTRUE. But it did sneak onto our negative thought trains and took us for a momentary ride.

 Question ALL your negative thoughts and comments.

 Always.

Ask yourself, is this really true?

 But, THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION we ask ourselves these days:

 

3) Is what I just said about you actually about ME?

I can’t speak for you, but I am often quite sure about what other people need to do, or not do, how they should live, or think, dress, speak or behave. When I see nothing amiss with me, I have all kinds of time to focus on the “issues” of others around me.

We have 20/20 vision about other people, but we are blind as bats about ourselves. 

We are masters at protecting against what we do not want to see in ourselves so we “project” (just like a movie projector) our own issues on to the people around us. I’m not making this up. We are so defended against seeing our own bad stuff we throw it off on others.

We are CONVINCED the problem is solely with the other person. I mean, anyone can see how at fault they are!

One of the greatest hidden gifts other people are to us is that they actually reflect back to us, the uglier parts of us, those parts we are too afraid to look at on our own.

                         We can learn to see what’s really going on inside us by what we complain about in others.

Some have called this a “turn around.” And they believe EVERYTHING we dislike about someone else is what we dislike in ourselves but just can’t bring ourselves to see or admit it.

 The fault we find in someone else is the fault we cannot find with ourselves.

So, we learn to take our statements like, “She doesn’t like me.” “You don’t understand me.” “You always just think about yourself” etc., and turn them back toward us.

Now those judgements become: “I don’t like her “ or, even more accurate, “I don’t like me.” “I don’t understand you” or “I don’t understand myself.”  “I always just think about me.”

These turn arounds sting. We’re appalled at how these comments sound now and we fiercely fight to believe they are NOT TRUE.

But, if we get still, and sit with them awhile we will see they are true. At least, to some degree.  

By doing “turn arounds” we learn to see our true selves. We nail ourselves by the things we blame on the people around us.

 We project on to others what we don’t want to see about ourselves.

 Jesus had a little to say about this.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”   Matthew 7

If we truly want to GROW and CHANGE… if we want deeply satisfying relationships…if we want lasting transformation…we will no longer turn a blind eye.   We will notice the negative things we accuse others of and turn them around to see finally ourselves.

 I have a done a fair bit of projecting in my life.

 I’m learning a better way.

                                                       It takes guts. And it helps to extend kindness and compassion…to yourself.

Next time you find yourself placing judgments on someone else,

 make an experiment of it,

 try a “turn around”

and see what you discover – big as life- in your own backyard.

 And if you get stuck pointing fingers we are here @youlivetrue.com to help you turn that around. Or, maybe, this is something your team or staff could benefit from learning about and practicing.

***Please SHARE this blog with someone you think might be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected]

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

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Are You Black & White or Fifty Shades of Gray?

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In the early days of processing my husband’s betrayal I rejected his vehement declarations that went something like this:

 “Even though I did this, you need to believe me, I never, ever stopped loving you.” 

Yeah, right. There was no way I was buying that.

We just don’t say we love someone and do something so utterly and horribly unloving. 

Or do we?

One of several things that saved our marriage was my learning to hold,

simultaneously

BOTH my husbands many obvious virtues AND this one unthinkable vice. 

 

Like many people, I had often seen my world in black and white. You’re either for us OR against us. You like me OR you don’t. You’re good OR you’re bad. You’re either right OR you’re wrong. It’s either all OR nothing.

I had little capacity for complexity or a healthy, integrated, middle ground. 

 So…

 He was either a loving, godly husband OR an awful, lying cheat.

….an honorable pastor OR a sinful man

…a man of God OR a tool of the enemy.

 

In my hurt and disorientation I could not see the TRUTH of PARADOX:

two opposing statements that are BOTH TRUE at the same time. 

 

Like this familiar statement that most Christians would agree with:

~Jesus was both God and man.

As Mary once said, “But how can this be?”

The same way you can be both a father and a son or a mother and a daughter or a teacher and and an artist or …a Christian and a sinner.

Two different aspects of the same person co-existing. This is called “BOTH AND” or Non-dualistic or “AMPERSAND ( & ) THINKING.” With ampersand thinking you can learn to accept the horror that your loving husband has ALSO been unfaithful, or that your esteemed pastor has ALSO morally failed. 

It means that SIN NEVER CANCELS OUT the GOODNESS in a person’s soul.

It means you can see both aspects of a situation without judging it all one way or the other.

It means you are learning to see how you, too, have goodness & compromise in certain areas of your life.

In her excellent article, “How Can He Do This and Say He Loves Me,” Debbie Lasser describes her own growth in understanding “how can this be?” after discovering her husband’s failures:

” With greater education about (stress) and trauma…I learned how the brain can literally ‘dissociate’ and close off certain memories or behaviors while others take over. I learned that pain, fear, and anger can distract one temporarily from healthy behaviors to choose behaviors to comfort and survive.

I slowly began to believe that betrayal is complicated—not black-and-white. When my worldview expanded to include other possibilities to my simple and legalistic thinking of the past, I could take in the both/and truths of (my husband) Mark’s behaviors: he did love me AND he was medicating some extraordinary pain with unhealthy behaviors.

…embracing ampersand thinking was what led me to stay with my husband. What I knew was that I was in tremendous pain from his infidelity AND I truly loved him. Speaking up about that pain and getting support allowed me to hold the tension of both truths—and to choose to stay and work toward a new life of faithfulness with Mark.” 

Living in the tension of two opposite truths about a person we love or a situation we care about requires a journey through complexity. Most of us don’t like that. That’s too much work, too much mystery. Too much letting go of our need to be right.

We want simple, absolute certainty.

Like, get on or get off the bus.

 Why should I see fifty shades of gray when life can be so much clearer in black or white? 

 

Because REAL LIFE is never just black or white.

 

God Himself is not Father OR Son OR Holy Spirit— but all three in One Person at the same time. A fairly mysterious, simultaneous complexity.

But God is perfect, you say. What about our fallible friends & spouses & family? Do we just OVERLOOK their sin?!

We never overlook pain or unhealthy behavior.

And yet as we do that we also see how our perfect God handles OUR SINS  by receiving, welcoming & holding BOTH our dark & light- the first time, every time for all time.

(Psalm 139:12 …the darkness and the light are both alike to You.)

When this has been gifted to us– where do we get permission to see & hold each other any other way?

 

My journey to embrace the paradox has not been easy. 

But it has made ALL the difference.

It made forgiveness & compassion & complete restoration of our marriage possible.

So, I’m wondering today what situation or relationship with others or even your own view of yourself has you thinking in black and white? Is that bringing you closer to understanding and resolution or is it being destructive, hurtful, limiting, punishing and exclusive?

Sadly, so many marriages, families, friendships, churches and businesses

are being fatally severed by well-meaning but divisive people entrenched in either/or thinking.  

We all need help to learn how to see a hurtful situation or relationship with more clarity, find a better balance to what feels like opposites, to gain insight, compassion and love. We can’t just read a good book or talk with a friend if we hope to rewire years and years of reinforced patterns of black and white thinking.

That’s why we’re here. Let us help you learn how to see and hold what feels like polar opposites with healing grace and truth.

And please SHARE this blog with someone you think may be interested.

You can reach me at [email protected].

CONTACT US: youlivetrue.com/schedule-a-consultation 

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

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10 Warning Signs You Might Cross the Line

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Staying faithful to my wife was a solemn promise I made to her before God.

I utterly intended to keep that promise to the end of our days. I lived without doubt that nothing could ever tempt me to do otherwise.  I never went looking for ‘trouble’ and thought I was aware when ‘trouble’ was looking for me… and believed I was always avoiding it.

The vast majority of good people who betray their marriages never see it coming.  Many establish clear, healthy boundaries and have no desire to stray, in fact, their marriage is one of the highest priorities of their lives.

That was my story. Totally. 

I enlisted trusted friends to ask hard questions to help me stay accountable. And, over the years, my wife, Caron, and I, often talked openly about our marriage being a prime target ( actually every marriage is a target) because we believed there is an enemy seeking to kill, steal and destroy our relationship with God, our witness for Christ, and out to rob us of the true joy God designed for us to experience in our marriages. 

So what happened?

Actually, a whole slew of things contributed- and Caron and I want to unpack as many of those here as we can in the months to come.  We are passionate about helping you avoid the most unthinkable nightmare you, your spouse and your family could ever imagine.

In future blogs we want to talk about: 

* How to know your own state of vulnerability to tempting conditions. 

* How we often contribute to our own emotional burdens making ourselves more susceptible.

* Lies we believe that contribute to our deception

* Unhealthy personality patterns that diminish our marital and relational capacities

–& a whole lot more. 

We’ve already blogged about entitlement, a subtle driver with a powerful engine for certain personality types. If you haven’t read that blog click the link here: “When You Think You Deserve Better Than This.”  An “I deserve a break today” mentality seems to play a major role for many people who experience moral failure.

In This Blog: 

We want to talk about how to catch yourself before a random encounter, casual aquantaince, innocent friendship or working relationship even comes close to crossing the line. 

Here are some warning signs you should NEVER EVER ignore: 

#1) When you start to notice you are not telling your spouse about certain conversations you are having with another person. 

#2) When you notice the other person avoids your spouse, makes no effort to include your spouse in a friendship with you or you avoid bringing your spouse into your interactions with the other person. 

#3) When you begin to feel this other person may be paying attention or listening to you with more empathy than your spouse has lately.  They may say certain things to you that stroke your ego, things like:

 “I’ve never met someone with such wisdom and insight as you. I so admire and respect the work you do. You really are one amazing person.”

OR

“Wow! You look especially good today. Have you been losing weight? And what’s that great perfume you’re wearing?” 

OR

“Hey, you doing okay? I’ve really been worried about you. You’ve been working so hard lately. Anything I can do to help?”

OR 

“Do you think we could be better friends?” 

#4) When you begin discussing marital problems with this other person, either theirs or yours. 

OR

#5) You avoid discussing your marriage with the other person  (as if it doesn’t exist) or, if they are married, you notice they avoid talking about their spouse. 

#6) When you begin making excuses to yourself like: “Nothing to worry about here. There’s no harm in just talking.” Or, “I’m really strong. Nothing about this person is going to feel attractive to me.  I have this totally under control.” Or “We have a lot of work to discuss.  No big deal if we grab a bit of lunch first.”

 #7) When you do begin to feel some type of attraction toward this  person.  

#8) When you begin to confide in this person in areas normally reserved for your spouse.  

#9) When it feels easier to spend time with this other person than with your spouse.

#10) When you start to notice this person positioning themself to be near you, making excuses to see you privately, appealing to your compassion by “keeping you in the loop” of some troubling personal issue or they “over-serve” or keep seeking to help or assist you in demonstrative or ingratiating ways. 

If ANY of the above situations are currently playing with your head,

then ADMIT that those mysterious brain chemicals are starting to get overwhelming

and GET OUT of there immediately. 

If you have friendships with members of the opposite sex OR same sex … and you want to avoid situations that could lead in an unhealthy direction make sure you include your spouse in the relationship (in some form or another) from the get-go.  This is probably your safest deterant. 

NOTE:***Any time a person is uninterested or unwilling to be a “friend of your marriage” they are no friend of yours! 

And when we do not involve our spouse or even begin to keep the slightest “secret” from them we’re already in trouble. 

If you want to put your spouse at ease, able to trust you with the other people in your life, make sure your spouse is a part of those relationships. 

It may sound outdated but, when we are married, all our friendships should be open & shared. They should involve both you and your spouse on some healthy level. 

 If, for some reason, you don’t feel a need to make your spouse a part of a “friendship” you have with someone you need to deeply question what your true objective is for maintaining that relationship and make a beeline to talk with a counselor or trusted, accountable friend. 

We @youlivetrue.com can be a safe place for you to talk about

your vulnerabilities and questions. 

PLEASE SHARE this blog with someone you think might be interested. ( And YES! our SHARE BUTTONS appear to be working again:) ( thanks Lorrie Ann & Jocklyn for alerting us to that snafu.) 

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6 Tips For Parents of Really Great Kids

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So, you have this great kid. 

I mean, really great. 

Some days, you can hardly believe how cool it is that out of zillions of kids out there, this fantastically good piece of human angel food cake landed on your plate. She is always kind, and smart and loving and probably destined to be the youngest star in the Bolshoi Ballet (and that’s just before breakfast.) Or he’s so wise for his age and funny, always respectful, and his #1 goal in life is to eradicate poverty by his 30th birthday!

Everyone knows what a great kid you have. 

You feel so incredibly blessed to be their parent and you go along like this for some years cultivating this really special bond between you and your child.  

And, then, it happens. 

Your really great kid messes up. 

Nah, not my kid. Can’t be. 

But, when the facts get assembled, indeed, the shattering truth is confirmed. It’s like a hard jab to the gut. A major part of your world implodes. You say things like:

What did I do wrong??? How could this happen? We hang out, we do stuff together.  I’ve totally raised this kid by The Book. Everything was going along just fine, then bam.  I’ve done everything I knew to do. I gave her everything. I thought I knew my child inside and out. I have no idea who my daughter is now. No kid could have been more loved. 

So, now what do you do? 

1) Before you freak out & throw The Book at them, walk away for at least a few minutes (preferably longer, especially if it’s a major offense) and take some deep breaths while you do a quick flashback to your own youth: 

Any house rules broken? curfew violations? drug experiences? practical jokes run amuck?  any undocumented encounters your parents never knew you had? Try to get in touch with a few of THOSE moments in your own story. Try to FEEL how you felt at either being caught & punished or feel the fear you carried at just the thought of being discovered.

Revisiting our own emotions will help us better empathize with how our child may feel about disappointing us, and, in many cases, disappointing themselves. 

We’ve come to believe lack of empathy is THE #1 roadblock to relational harmony. 

But hang on! you might say, this is exactly what I hoped to help my child avoid –stupid mistakes! Everything I did as a parent was to keep them from doing   some of the foolish, dangerous, rebellious, illegal, etc., things I did.

Or you might say: I thought if I loved my child well enough she wouldn’t feel the need to do something that might hurt her or get her into trouble. Or, you might even say: I never did anything like this. What’s wrong with my kid that he would do such a thing? 

2) Identify & own all of your own emotions over what has happened. 

It’s not what you’re thinking about this, but what you’re feeling. Are you feeling anger, shame, guilt, fear, despair, hurt, etc? Our response / reaction to what our child has done will be a critical piece as to how they recover. Our reaction is driven out of our own emotions about what they’ve done.

Before we jump down their throats a healthy response would be for us to recognize what our emotions are saying to us about ourselves, then what they are saying to us about our child. 

3) Assign each emotion you discover to you or your child. 

Ex: I’m feeling anger at myself for not checking out more details about the party she went to. 

      I’m feeling shame over how her actions will make me look bad as a person and as a parent. 

      I’m feeling guilty for working so much lately and not spending enough time with him.

      I’m feeling fearful about what could have happened or now that ________ has happened, I’m  afraid this will become a pattern or that she could go to jail or that_______________. 

      I’m feeling angry he did something he promised he would never do. 

      I’m feeling hurt that my daughter violated the implicit trust I had in her. 

      I’m feeling angry my son broke the house rules we established for his own protection. 

      I’m feeling hurt and angry that my child is not the person I thought she/he was. 

4) See this event as both a gift & invitation

 This situation, with all it’s disappointment affirms to you and your child that, if accepted, failure can be a great, if not our greatest life teacher–even as painful as it is. We know this is true from our own experience– our own failures have been enormous pathways for us to learn and grow but out of our desire to protect our child, and sometimes ourself, we can’t always immediately see the value.

Most of the time, our fierce desire to protect and defend our kids from pain and suffering is a  good thing. It makes us feel like good parents. But, sometimes, our “protection” actually gets in the way of our child’s growth. 

Necessary suffering will be just as formational for your child as it has been for you. 

We keep thinking there should be a different path of growth for our child than painful experiences. We are actually stifling the growth God wants our child to experience if we try to rescue them from feeling too much pain. 

5) Instead of protecting your child from pain, prepare them for the inevitable. 

If we don’t acknowledge – ahead of time- the human experiences of loss, failure, and pain, we add to their risk of living with you and themselves in denial, deception and hiding.

If failure is never an option then what will she do with it when she does eventually fail? Will she spin it as “not really all that bad,” or hide it as if it didn’t really happen? 

This would be a good time to share with your child some of your own mistakes.  

Tell your child,  ahead of time,  how you will irrevocably love them when the time comes that they fail. You can still be disappointed, sad or afraid for them but what will make all the difference is that they know you will be there -with unshakable love – when they royally mess up.

Be like a mirror – showing your child the very heart of God.  

6) Be present with your child in the failure. 

We are most like God when we can sit with our child in his failure and love him through it. 

This is difficult to do when we think her failure is somehow about us: either a bad reflection on us or how we messed up as a parent or how angry and inconvenienced we are by it. 

But what’s really going on with your child here? What emotions has he been feeling that led up to this event? Ask. Don’t assume. 

There may be real self image or peer pressure (which is identity related) or any number of other issues attached to this event that need to be addressed. To gloss over serious rebellion or extreme negligence would be a mistake but it would be an equally bad mistake for your child never to know how irrevocably and unconditionally loved she is regardless of how you feel she makes you or herself look to others.

Don’t over or under react.

Most of us tend to do one or the other in pressure situations. Which one do you do?  What would happen if you react in the opposite way of your normal response?

Be careful that the consequences you lay down are not because of undo embarrassment or shame you are feeling.  And if there are already serious built in consequences for what has happened, consider whether those consequences might be enough of a lesson on their own. 

Since they’ve messed up, you may have doubts about how great your kid actually is. But, you haven’t been wrong. You really do have a great kid!

But, before this happened, you may have over-idealized them- projecting on them a form of perfection no man, woman or child can ever live up to.  Now you are reeling from a shattered fantasy you created around them. 

And, yes, we have done this ourselves as parents more than a few times. What began in pure love, sometimes moved to idealization then on to near idolatry.  We couldn’t see this was happening –  of course- just like you there reading this right now and thinking ( like we did ) —“you obviously don’t know MY child.”

Sigh.

It was out of a sincere desire to raise great sons for God who would impact the world that we sometimes projected a little too much pixy dust on them. Ya think? 

You could say we were blinded by the sparkle in our own eyes when we looked at them. 

But, over time, a fuller, Truer picture of each of our incredible boys emerged. And, after we picked ourselves up off the floor—-they continued to thrive a lot and mess up some. Just like we do. 

Oh, yes, we still blame ourselves sometimes, and struggle with feeling like some things they’ve done or do make us look bad. But, hey, we still have more growing up to do. 

If you feel stuck in relational issues at work, in ministry or at home, we can help.  Contact us youlivetrue.com for a free consultation. 

Written in collaboration by David & Caron Loveless

(Art by: Katie Berggren.  Shopkmberggren.com)

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8 Emotions You Must Know How To Identify

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As David and I began to work through snags in our relational story we saw the critical role our emotions have played. Where I could easily (let’s make that too easily) express my emotions, David often kept, particularly his negative feelings tightly reigned in.

From his early years David had unconsciously trained himself to deny or ignore certain “bad” emotional signals. Later, we learned, he had adopted a belief that he wasn’t “allowed” to feel or express certain negative emotions—he held to an unseen, inner rule -he wasn’t even aware of – that went something like this: 

I cannot be angry. 

Being angry is wrong, unacceptable for me,

it’s unchristian, unbecoming.

I’m supposed to be like Jesus,

which means I’m supposed to be growing more divine and less human.

(…which by the way is a common misunderstanding of the goal of Christian maturity,

which we’ll talk about another time…) 

Other people can get angry. But being mad is just not okay for me. 

So, when David did actually get angry he often said he was merely “frustrated” (because he could not possibly “be angry.”) 

Other feelings were also difficult for David to get in touch with at times, which we are finding more and more, is common for a lot of people. 

We ignore or deny our emotions for a whole host of reasons. Sometimes, we wear our ability to hide our emotions like a badge of honor. On one hand we might feel superior to people who freely and openly express their feelings and on the other hand we might feel envious of them.   

It is HUGELY important that we learn to fully and honestly express our true feelings in a healthy, non-destructive way. 

We all need to feel safe enough, with at least a few people, to express ourselves, even our most negative self, without fear of being disowned or chastised. Learning to LiveTrue, relationally, means I’m in touch with and I can own and honestly express all my feelings. 

It’s so critical for those of us in relationship with someone who may be dismissing some part of their feelings, to provide a safe place for those emotions to feel validated, even encouraged without fear of retribution or losing face. 

 So, how are you at naming your emotions? Do you put a nice spin on your “bad emotions?” Is it hard to pinpoint exactly what you are feeling sometimes?  Are you in a relationship where you are afraid to voice your true feelings? 

As we’ve navigated the waters of our own emotional story and, in our work with leaders and couples, we’ve seen how helpful it can be to keep a basic list of emotions close by, to use as a reference.

Sounds crazy, but, you’d be surprised how many people cannot put a finger on what they’re feeling, or, when they do try to name it they tip toe out there making it sound not as bad as it truly is. 

Check this out– Many of us are sharp, quick thinkers who can say what we THINK ABOUT something without missing a beat— and from that we believe we are truly representing our FEELINGS on the subject. 

What we THINK about something and how that something makes us FEEL

are two completely different things! 

Understanding and expressing our FEELINGS is VITAL as we grow our spiritual and relational lives.  Our feelings are actually the engine that drives us, not the caboose that tags along, as we once believed. Our earliest and most formative memories, psychologists tell us, are formed by the emotions we attach to them—but again I digress–another topic for another day.  

Here is the list of 8 Basic Emotions we give our clients when they can’t put their finger on exactly how they are feeling.  Yes, there are a lot more emotions we could list but we feel having less to choose from makes the decision a bit easier. Plus, many other emotions fall under most of these categories.

*** NOTE: This list also works well if you’re helping a child explore how they are feeling about something going on in their life —-except we think you may want to add the feeling of “Hunger” to their list. 🙂 

1) Hurt

2) Anger

3) Loneliness

4) Shame

5) Sadness

6) Fear

7) Guilt

8) Gladness

We keep this list close at hand and encourage others to do the same. When we get stuck trying to express to one another what we really mean we go down this list as a way of getting in touch with what’s actually going on inside us.  A number of folks have said how incredibly helpful this simple tool has been in their relationships.

Give it try. 

If communicating your real feelings feels “complicated” to you or someone you know, we’re here to help you dig out the True You. Contact us today @youlivetrue.com for a consultation. 

And to help you further get in touch with the Truest You- sign up to receive your FREE VIDEO series, 5 DAYS TO YOUR TRUE SIGNIFICANCE on our website: youlivetrue.com

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3 Reasons We Avoid Counseling

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Written by Caron Loveless 

In thirty-nine years of marriage, my husband, David, has suggested we go to counseling at least two or three times. (He says it was more like five or six .) However many times it was, whenever he broached the subject, I declined. I made excuses.  He was welcome to go on his own.

I was afraid.

And I felt angry and defensive

and weak for being fearful of something

 many people seem to find pretty easy to do.

I knew we were stuck.  But,

my fear of counseling

far outweighed whatever discouragement

 I may have felt about a trouble spot in our marriage.

Many of us, in the midst of a relational challenge,

might admit we could benefit from a neutral, outside advisor,

 yet, we still won’t go to a counselor.

From my own experience, here are three reasons why:

1)   “Things are not all that bad.”

In every relationship there’s probably one partner who feels more discouraged by disagreements than the other. Maybe they had a more “peaceful,” non-confrontational childhood.  Maybe their parents never argued or resolved conflict in front of them.  This was David’s story.  To avoid negative emotions was considered a virtue in his home. As a result, he grew up with less tolerance for tension at the family level.

You might say he was “fight avoidant.”

The partner with the most discomfort from relational discord

is often the first to suggest seeing a counselor. 

Their spouse, however, may feel more familiar with raised voices and raw emotions. This was my story. I was used to people flying off the handle then walking around the house giving others the silent treatment. Ours was a home with daily drama and frequent relational fallout. This deeply disturbed and scarred me as a child, but it grew me into a “fight-resilient” adult. I knew the roof wouldn’t cave in when there was discord. It just didn’t rattle me. Seems good, right? Sure. But there’s a downside.

While “fight survivors” take arguments in stride, they may be immune to hidden resentment building in their traumatized spouse.

2)   “We’re smart people, we can figure this out ourselves.”

I mean, we’ve been to college, graduate school. We hold down jobs that require smart decision-making, collaboration and troubleshooting. We’re reasonable people who deeply love each other and want the best for our relationship. This isn’t rocket science. Surely, we can narrow down the issues

and come to a win/win solution that satisfies both of us.

 In our case, you can add to that that we had spent decades offering pastoral counsel in public and private settings. Scores reported being wonderfully helped in their marriages and families. If we could help others, we should be able to help ourselves.

But, what happens when you’re on the eighth, twelfth or fiftieth version of the same basic issue?  Do we just “ agree to disagree?” We might. But, by this time, chances are, at least one spouse will be feeling pretty fried.  Sometimes, they voice their despair. Sometimes, they don’t. And when they can’t, won’t or don’t fully admit their true status, we have no way on our own to gauge the level of danger in our relationship.

It’s like this:

Most of us go to a professional to get our haircut.

With all the worlds’ technology; in 2014 we still need help cutting the hair on the back of our head. We just can’t reach it or see what we’re doing back there. Maybe we could learn to view an appointment with a counselor like we do making an appointment at a salon. For some of us, it costs about the same.

There are things about us we just aren’t trained to see

 or can get to on our own.

3)   “It feels like being I’m being dragged into the principal’s office.”

Some of us deal with shame. Often, we’re not even aware when shame is driving us. Shame can make us feel like we’ll never “be enough” or that somehow, we always feel we’re “in trouble.” Shame keeps us walking on eggshells; fearful something we do might land us in trouble with authority figures, people we care about, even people we don’t know.  This awful feeling of being in trouble is a feeling we must avoid at all costs.

It’s possible those with shame were constantly chided, ridiculed or criticized as a child.  Maybe the punishment and displeasure of our parents could be so severe we grew up anxious, fearful or angry and any situation where we could be shown in a bad light puts us in near panic. This was me. Just the idea of going to a counselor made me feel so anxious that I determined to avoid that experience at all costs.  And, it wasn’t just counselors that made me feel this way. I felt panicked at performance reviews, constructive criticism, even someone who was offering me helpful feedback.

I often felt small inside.

Going to a counselor meant I had to admit I had a problem

or

that we had a problem

                                                                                                     or

my worst fear of all

that I WAS the problem.

I could not afford to feel any smaller than I already did,

even at the cost of marital strife. I simply could not afford more internal reduction to my already fragile self.

The good news:

 I did, eventually, see several counselors

about some troubling issues related to my career.

And I didn’t pass out from the experience. I found the counselors helpful

and reassuring, not nearly as threatening and condemning as I feared.

The bad news:

I did hold to my fear of marriage counselors

(ahem- the principal’s office)

This may have been one of the greatest mistakes of my life.

 But, I would not know this until much later.

At this writing, I’ve spent more time with counselors

 than I ever could have imagined.

Next blog, we’ll look at how I have grown

to value the compassion and insight of skilled counselors.

 It’s been a remarkable, healing, life-altering journey

 heaping countless benefits into my life and our marriage.

It was from our own experience

and our deep desire to bring healing and wholeness

 to leaders, teams and couples that we started

KairosCollective.com.

We totally get your fears about counseling.

We treat you, as we desire to be treated. Contact us today for an initial consultation. If we’re not right for you, we’ll make recommendations to other counselors we trust.

*** Are you counseling resistant?

***Other thoughts about the challenges of counseling?

***Tell us about it below.

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3 Ways We Sabotage Relationships (pt3)

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Do you, or someone you love, avoid conflict,

confrontation and unpleasant feelings at all costs?

 David and I, come from two completely different backgrounds, a fact, even as 20 and 21 year old newlyweds, we fully anticipated might cause a little friction –now and then.  We expected to fuss a time or two over how to spend money or Christmas or vacations.  But, what seemed to take years to dawn on us was not only did our families do life different, they did love different.  And these differences, at times, set us up for conflict like two well-armored aliens from opposing galaxies.

None of us jump out of bed in the morning plotting to blow up a relationship.  But stuff happens, right?  Invariably, we find ourselves irritated (see part 1) or resistant (part 2) to someone or something that gets in our way

 OR

when things hit the fan we take a third option:

 we avoid conflict, confrontation and

unpleasant feelings

at all costs.

At first glance, an “avoider” can appear almost virtuous; not super argumentative, keeps the peace, the strong silent type.  But often, upon closer inspection, many of these folks become peacekeepers to evade what happens inside them when a situation begins to get overwhelming.

Check out the below list from the book  How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
 by Kay and Milan Yerkowich, (& click on title to order it) to help determine if you (or someone you love) is a relational avoider:

_It seems my spouse/others have a lot more emotional needs than I do.

_Events, remarks, and interactions with people that are upsetting to my spouse/others seem like no big deal to me.

_ I don’t have many childhood memories

_ I would describe myself as an independent, self-reliant person

_My spouse complains I don’t show enough affection

_When something bad happens I get over it and move on

_I need my space in relationships and feel annoyed if someone wants to be with me a lot.

_ I like to make decisions on my own.

_ I feel uncomfortable when someone is very emotional, especially if I think I’m supposed to help that person.

_ I have siblings with whom I have little to no contact today

_ I have never felt particularly close to my parents

_ Nothing gets me too bothered or upset

_ I rarely cry

_ I am unaware of certain bodily responses to stress i.e. clenched jaw, crossed arms, constricted breathing, smiling while describing painful events.

Avoiders are not trying to shun others

 as much as they are trying to

 escape feelings

they don’t know what to do with.

 

But, those in relationship with avoiders are thinking very different thoughts, like :

  • He is totally ignoring me right now. I’ve just poured out my heart and he just sits there saying nothing.
  • That’s one hard- hearted woman.
  • Where did he go? A minute ago we were “just talking” and now he’s back on the computer/ in the garage/gone to the gym/gone fishing/going, going, gone _________________?

For avoiders, learning to identify and reveal their feelings can be like decoding a foreign language or tying a right-handed persons hand behind their back and asking them to draw a screaming monkey with their left.  It won’t be easy, but with help and practice an avoider can learn to “ get in touch with their feelings” and, in time, grow a full range of emotions.

photo

If you think you might be a relational avoider,

go on “emotional reconnaissance”

with a few of these questions from How We Love:

1.    What do you experience when someone offers you comfort? Do you have memories of being comforted as a child or adult? Describe them to someone.

2.    Talk about your childhood memories or lack of them with someone or talk about specific traits of your parents or growing up situation that may explain your avoider style.

3.    Rate these feelings as either Hard or Easy to recognize within yourself:

Anger * Fear  * Joy * Guilt  * Hurt * Loneliness * Shame * 

4.    Ask your spouse or close friend to ask “What are you feeling right now?” instead of  “What are you thinking?”

5.    Think about the last time you cried. How old were you? What was happening? When, if ever, might tears have been appropriate but you found yourself unable to cry?

6.    Have someone close to you lovingly help you recognize when you are shutting down or tensing parts of your body.

When we make a point to ponder 

our reactivity to people and situations, 

or

the ways we shut down, back down or clam up when things get hard

we get a front row seat to a defining moment in our own

spiritual transformation.

* Personal word from David: “In many relationships, both personally & professionally, I’ve never had much difficulty expressing what I think or how I feel.  However, in my marriage, I often tended to be the avoider, because of how much I valued peace.  I would sometimes experience intense emotion but I rarely was able to ‘own’ it and then express it.  Part of my problem was that I had come to identify some of those feelings as ‘sinful’ when in fact, they weren’t sinful, they were just some authentic part of me that I needed to be aware of… so I could find out why they were there… so I could then do something besides bury them.  What I’ve now come to see is that what we don’t ‘own’ ends up ‘owning’ us!  My avoiding days are long behind me now and my life and marriage have been greatly enhanced because of it.”

  • Here’s where you get to talk back.  Do you or someone you know have an avoider relational style? How’s that working?
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3 Ways We Sabotage Our Relationships (pt. 2)

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by Caron Loveless

Some years ago, I worked with a person who always rubbed me the wrong way.  I felt tense around them, even though I could see them making efforts to be nice.  Something about their approach seemed disingenuous and I always felt an unspoken power struggle between us whether we were discussing the agenda for a meeting or decorations for an event.  I intuitively did not trust this person and

I resisted them.

It was a mutual resistance that caused almost every project we worked on to seem stressful.  Sadly, the person moved on before we could fully get on the same page.

Thesaurus.com says

Resistance=  “ fighting, opposition, contention,

counteraction, defiance, impediment, obstructions,

protection, struggle, refusal & striking back.”

I get resistant in situations where I feel:

  • threatened
  • fearful
  • uncared for
  • hurt
  • unrecognized
  • someone powering up on me
  • someone resisting me

 

Steven Pressfield says criticism is a form of resistance.  He says if you find yourself criticizing others, you’re probably doing it out of resistance.  He says, sometimes when we see others beginning to live out of their authentic selves it drives us crazy and we resist them if we have not lived out of ours. 

 

When we feel settled inside,

knowing we are whole, enough and thoroughly loved

we can lay down our struggle for power, control,

and our resistant stance to anything or anyone that appears to come against us. 

(Note: does not apply when someone attempts to physically harm you.) 

  

IMG_5891

 If these words sound like something that your soul needs to be “coated” with… and you could use several “coats” of this paint, then save the above graphic, that we created for you, in whatever form best for you and read it several times a day, for the next 7 days and see if some of your resistance doesn’t begin to fade into the paint of a bigger reality.

 

Is resistance sabotaging your relationships?

 

I’m learning to see myself in the process of a negative encounter, to become aware of what’s happening inside me while a situation like resistance is unfolding – sort of like spying on myself—detaching myself just enough from what I’m saying or feeling to look beneath the words and feelings so I can get to the root — and 99% of the time my ego/false self is struggling to fight a war that has already been won.

 

“ …in Him you have been made complete.” Colossians 2: 10

  • We’d love your feedback.  How does resistance affect your relationships?
  • Where is resistance at war with your True Self in God?
  • If this blog has been helpful, there’s more to come. Subscribe below & you’ll receive them automatically.
  • Also, if this blog has been helpful, pass it on.

(* Painting by Fanny Aishaa)

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3 Ways We Sabotage Our Relationships (Pt. 1)

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Everything that irritates us about others
 can lead us to an understanding of ourselves 

 Carl Jung 

by Caron Loveless

True confession: Sometimes I get “activated.” Someone or something pushes my buttons and I really show myself, as my granny used to say. Whenever this happens, say if I’m driving, I can choose from three options:

Door #1–Blame a lunatic driver for inciting my road rage

Door #2–Dismiss the panic my outburst has on those cringing in the backseat

Door#3 –Allow an infuriating incident to shine some light on the holes in my heart 

I’d like to be able to say I always pick door #3.

But, in the next several blogs I’ll share what I’m learning and how good stuff happens in our relationships and in ourselves, when we start seeing, and addressing, the real needs beneath our reactions.

* What’s hiding beneath your irritations?

We’re sitting in the car ready to go.  But, first, David needs to send a text — a very, very long text. I wait, wait, wait a good 20 seconds before I say, “Wow. That’s a really long text you got going on there. Wouldn’t it be better to just leave him a voicemail?  That would save a ton of time.  I mean, seriously, your fingers must really be hurting.”

David keeps texting, pretends to be deaf.  He is committed to this text.  There’s no turning back.

There’s nowhere special we need to be, but I’m feeling increasing agitation.  I am ready to go now. (I somehow forget the 105,819 times David has waited in the car for me while I change outfits no less than three times.)  I find his text of biblical proportions totally unnecessary so, suddenly; I become the Paragon of Informational Efficiency. Wouldn’t it be better to just leave him a voice mail?  Why am I saying this?  Because the delay I’m experiencing is not about me.  I am feeling inconvenienced.  I am somehow more important than whatever David has going on.

I am not consciously thinking this, of course; I’m a much better person than that!  But, somewhere, in the middle of this 2–minutes- tops-scenerio

I slowly become aware of something inside me

that will feel better if I get my way,

if I can alter this tiny situation

a little more to my liking—

if I can take control.

Oh, wait. If I am in control— then God cannot be. 

Why does it feel important that I get my way on this?

What’s eating us when we get aggravated?

  • Ever glanced at your favorite sports teams’ Twitter feed after a loss?
  • A computer screen goes blank  and you go___________?
  • You plan a long-overdue date night.  The sitter arrives.  But your spouse is a no-show.  They get called into a last minute meeting (but neglect to call you.)  Add on traffic tie-ups and they get home an hour and half late.  What’s your reaction when they walk in the door?
  • You’d stake your life that monster truck rally happened on a Saturday.  Your friend begs to differ.  You go back and forth several times trying to make your point.  Why does the minute accuracy of this argument matter so much ?
  • You are stuck with an overly happy cashier making frivolous small talk about her recent vacation with each of the 10 people in front of you at the Dollar Store.  What happens when you get to the front of the line?

(I totally confess to profiling slow cashiers.) 

When we make a point to ponder 

 our reactivity 

to people and situations, 

we get a front row seat 

 to a defining moment in our spiritual transformation.

God is at work in us right there. 

He knows what we’re made of and when he sees our flawed responses we are surprised He does not condemn us as we might condemn ourselves.  Instead, he stands compassionately alongside us as all our tragedies and comedies fully play out.  He shows us how shame, fear or guilt has illegally taken root and He offers His  strength for our weakness.

 Ask God : 

What’s really going on beneath my irritation/frustration/aggravation?

What’s that about?

Tag-it’s your turn. Let us know what you’re learning or seeing about irritations.