Category Archives: Marriage/Family

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LTP 11- How To Curb Christmas Crazy

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In this podcast Episode 11, David & Caron Loveless discuss how you can curb the Christmas crazy in your life with 10 simple guidelines.

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Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

 1.  I will let this year stand on its own. I will try not to compare it to other years when people were more … This year has it’s own gift for me and mine and I will receive it as it is without judging it by other years.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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Nothing to Prove: Chapter 2: What We Know Now

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The following is an excerpt from our new ebook that is available beginning today.  This book is a a very candid, behind the scenes look, at the journey of transformation that we’ve been on the last several years, and the things we’ve learned that can help change your life as well.

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Chapter 2:  What We Know Now

 

You can never be other than who you are

until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are.

David Benner

You don’t have to experience a tragedy like ours, or any other failure with a thousand different names, in order to identify the real root of your own internal issues. We hope it won’t come to that. Our purpose in writing this book is to help you avoid some of the ditches in your future if at all possible. Unfortunately, for many of us it often does take a serious trial, illness or loss to break us open enough to see parts of our life that aren’t working so well.

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LTP 9- How to Make a Resilient Marriage (with guest Dr. Judy Johnson)

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Why do so many marriages start with such high aspirations and then often turn toxic over the years? Dr. Judy Johnson introduces us to the 4 Horsemen that can end a marriage.

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Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

The story of how Dr. Johnson became engaged in marital therapy.

Why do people who know the truth of God, the scriptures, and themselves, are still not able to fully live into every part of that truth?

  • Lack of maturity.  Many don’t know how to put away thoughts and emotions from the past that reflect who they are as new people in Christ.
  • Confusion.  People get stuck when they don’t fully understand the roots of their confusion.
  • Lack of understanding of self. 95% of all behavior is automatic.  We literally don’t even think about our auto-pilot reactions each day and where they actually come from.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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LTP 8- Redefining the Family and Mission (with guest Dave Rhodes)

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What’s the best way to live?  By re-defining what “Family” is and what “Mission” is and then learning how to integrate the two… for a powerful new way to live.

Here is a brief summary of today’s episode of “The Live True Podcast.”  You can use this as a reference or reminder of key things you feel like you need to pay attention to or pass on to others, in the next 7 days of your life.

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Most of us value the WHAT of our life over the WHO of our life. That happens when we make decisions concerning our WHAT before our WHO.

* Our WHO has to do with an extended family (often not biological family, but can include parts of it) given to us to experience the relational community we yearn for.  WHO is about family.

* Our WHAT has to do with the job or mission we’ve been given in the world. Everything in the marketplace has a higher purpose than what we first imagined.  WHAT is about function.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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How to Be a Better Lover

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Most people I know want to be better lovers.

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There are a ton of books out there on how to get the love you want, how attract the love of your life and be ecstatically happy with your soulmate forever.  Nothing wrong with getting the love you want or even looking for someone to love you.

But, true love is a gift that’s bursting to be given. That’s what love does.

And, whether we want to give someone 1,000 dollars or one selfless act of kindness we’ve got to possess that thing before we can give it away.

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The Most Common Cause of Conflict In Love Relationships

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IMG_6134My husband, David, and I have a ton of things in common. We both like sports. We both enjoy being in nature, hiking or biking or just reading together at the beach or by a lake. We both love challenging conversation around big ideas. We appreciate just about every genre of music. We are both first-born, natural leaders.

And our mutual passion for God and personal spiritual growth was one of the first things that attracted us to each other as college students.

For all the rich goodness in our relationship we also had

a couple of reoccurring relational snags that kept tripping us up. 

These glitches distracted us from what we agree is a rare and remarkable love. And, sometimes, those rough patches blinded us from seeing the best in each other and our relationship.

What was going on? 

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An Open Letter to My Wife, to God, & to You

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phontoIf you don’t mind my getting a little personal… or even if you do mind, I’m going to anyway.  Let me get personal about me and my story… and then I want to get personal about you and your story.

I’ve got something extraordinary to celebrate.  

Caron and I are celebrating our 40th Wedding Anniversary this week.  Under any circumstances, this would feel like an extraordinary thing to celebrate.  40 years of doing anything doesn’t happen that often.

 

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But as you know, under our circumstances, it’s a sign and a wonder.  It’s a miracle of miracles.

Almost 2 1/2 years ago when I woke up my wife one morning, to confess to her the worst failure of my life, that had happened more than several years earlier, I watched what had been a fabulous marriage for both of us, descend into a depth of hell, that there is not adequate enough language to describe.

Because of the massive pain it brought to Caron… and the massive disorientation it brought to her and our family… as well as the public humiliation that ensued, I would have never predicted we would be where we are today.  I believed in miracles… and had participated in many over the years, but this was in another miracle galaxy that I wasn’t sure we could reach.

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There Is More To Your Story Than You Think

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phontoAwhile back, Caron and I spent some time looking at our life stories. You’d think as long as we’ve known each other we’d have the details down by now. Yeah, the main events had been told and retold for years.  But, in telling our stories we had missed one simple key to better understanding ourselves and each other. 

Turns out, it isn’t just our life events that affect us

but how we interpret those events, 

particularly in our early years,

that is a critical factor in how we view and react to people and events in our lives right now.

The book, The Relational Soul, by Jim Cofield and Dr. Rich Plass has been hugely helpful to us. We highly recommend it.  In it, Plass and Cofield say, “at the center of our story, we find our relational blueprint.”  This is the internal schematic we draw on to build relationships and interact with others our entire life. 

One way to get a better look at our blueprint is to write out the major turns in our life story and then share them with someone we trust. Doing this can help unravel some of our more mystifying experiences and behaviors. Paired with a skilled counselor we can become aware of negative thought patterns planted in childhood that significantly impact current relationships.

“Hang on,” we said, “Haven’t we done this exercise about 50 times over the years?” Yes, but not in the way Cofield and Plass suggest. Even if you’ve already done some personal timeline work and think you’re beyond it— keep reading.

Or, you might have other objections like:

 “Remembering my past won’t help with what I’ve got going on right now.

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Don’t Take This Personal, but… -Part 1

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Our last blog was a sweet little take on 8 Ways to Give Better Feedback. Getting good at giving feedback is a significant life skill we can all use whether we’re an employer, parent or …a heat-seeking HOA president. (more on him below)

Giving feedback is easy.

But what does it take to receive feedback…

without embarrassment, anger, tears, defensiveness, sharpening your ninja blades,

or bingeing on double chocolate cake? 

Well, I’m working on that. Most of my life, I’ve been horrible at this.   

When some of us hear we’re missing the mark in anything, even if it’s done in the sweetest, most tender way, it feels like an all out personal attack. We are the ultra sensitive lot and we hang out on the far end of what I’ll call the FSM. (Feedback Sensitivity Meter.)

At the opposite end are The Few, The Proud, The Brave who cannot wait to get their job performance review because:  a) they’re sure they’ve knocked it out of the park   b)they can’t wait to take the next hill in their personal development.

Can we just agree not to like those people? 

On a scale of 1-10 where would you put yourself on the Feedback Sensitivity Meter?

 

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(1– you’re oblivious to criticism, 10-you need serious meds before any corrective encounter)

 

* What might your direct report say about the number you chose?

* Your friends?

* Your siblings?

* Your roommate?

* Your spouse?

 

If you think you’re between a 1-4 —ask some of the folks above to confirm

your impression and give yourself a high-five.

If you think you’re between a 5-10—keep reading. 

 

First thing we always hear when someone has correction to offer us is…

“Don’t take this personal, but….”

In the famous words of Kathleen Kelly to Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, “All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s personal to a lot of people. Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” 

 

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Many of us already spend a lot time in our heads in self-criticism. Some of us lived in critical, abusive or unsupportive homes as kids. We are always on alert, reactive to the sting of even well-intentioned feedback. Deep inside, we believe we are flawed and any confirmation of this, like someone suggesting personal improvement, can feel humiliating.

So, how can we open ourselves up to constructive feedback about

our work, our habits, our communication style…our flaws?

A number of significant shifts need to happen in the core of our soul. Our foundation is cracked. Our anchor is loose. The honest truth is some part of us needs to be spiritually and emotionally re-parented.

Oh great, you say. I’ll just add THAT to the calendar for next week.

 Yeah, that needs to be seriously looked at, but in the meantime start here:

– OBSERVE the way you filter information coming toward you.   

Each of us has a personality pattern that receives incoming comments through a uniquely constructed, subconscious filter.

You can say all day long that the grass is green but if I’ve got amber sunglasses on I’m going insist the grass looks gold.  Our unique personality style colors everything we see and hear.

There are nine different personality filters and in our LIVE TRUE Personality & Relational Styles Workshop we teach the beauty and the distortion each type brings to the table.

Once we see the predictable filter we use to hear feedback 

we can better adjust our reactions to other points of view.

 A view point is simply a view from a point. If I am at one place on a mountain in Switzerland I can see a whole lot of the landscape. But, I only see what my view point allows me to see.  Someone else on another spot on the same mountain will have different vistas to report.

When we learn to receive feedback in an undefended way it opens us up to so many (at least 8 other) ways of viewing our life, our work and our relationships. Each persons view is valid. And each of us is convinced our view point offers the best perspective.

But, it’s just our view from our point on the mountain.

To map the whole mountain we need other eyes on the topography. 

When we argue, often it’s because both parties are seeing the same mountain from two different points. We both see it correctly. Perfectly. And we spend enormous energy trying to convince each other our view is the best. 

True spiritual and emotional maturity is learning to seek and

accept the valid perspective of others. 

They help us see and complete “The True Picture of Us.” They see us from their spot on the mountain. They report to us what we cannot possibly see on our own.

 And it helps if they do this in love.

A few months ago I was coming home from an errand with two grandkids in the backseat. Taylor -seven.  JD-five. Because I firmly believe every car ride with a child must be educational, conversational or recreational I proposed a game as we pulled into our subdivision.

“I bet I can make it into our driveway before you can count to ten.” 

Always up for a challenge the kids start counting, and after seeing no oncoming cars, I take a quick short cut, a left turn onto our street….instead of going all the way around the appropriate roundabout at the intersection.

For ten delightful seconds there was great fun in the car

and I pulled victoriously into our driveway right at the shout of “TEN!”

Then a car screeched to a halt in front of our house and a man bolted up our driveway. And without so much as a ” Good afternoon, ” he burst out yelling,

“Do you know what you just did back there?!” 

“uhhh..I’m sorry..” (What in the world– I think- my blood hitting boil) ” and you are….?”

“Do you realize that was against the law?! You must use the roundabout. Someone could have been hurt back there.”

“Oh for goodness, sake!!!  There were no other cars in sight. And, who, sir, might you be?” 

“I am Helmut Weinerhowzer- President of the Homeowners Association. We are trying to run a nice, respectable neighborhood here. We can’t have people breaking the law! 

Adrenalin is now shooting out my pores, “Well, I assure you, sir, I AM a respectable neighbor and….”

At this point, David hears commotion outside and comes to investigate. And after seeing the man’s outrage he says in his best imitation of Solomon,

 ” I see. And was anyone hurt in this incident?” 

“Well, no. But, they could have been…it’s my job to see that things are done right.  I even pick up the trash on the tennis court. We just want a nice, decent neighborhood.” 

 “I’m sure you do a great job at that and I can assure you that’s the kind of neighborhood we want as well. I don’t believe you’ll have any trouble in the future with illegal driving from us. Thanks for stopping by.” 

“Ok, well. I’m just trying to do my job.” 

They shake hands like two guys after a pick up game.

I barely tag the man’s hand, my heart racing, my eyes blazing hot. 

Our local neighborhood watchdog just dropped by that afternoon to offer me a bit of constructive feedback from his unique point of view. And he truly had one —I never even saw his car because he was driving right behind me.

I stand corrected.

* Whose perspective have you been discounting? What have you observed about the way you filter correction directed to you?

If you could use a little help seeing the bigger picture, a larger perspective of your church, staff, team, marriage or yourself, we’re here to help you.

You can reach me at [email protected]

or

CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

SCHEDULE US TO SPEAK youlivetrue.com/schedule-us-to-speak

***And THANKS FOR SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.

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8 Ways to Give Better Feedback

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I was standing in the lobby of our church one Sunday morning feeling spent but pretty satisfied after teaching my heart out in multiple weekend services.  People were walking by, being generous with their comments about my message and I was grateful that it seemed I hit the target I was after.  Then a guy walks up and says,

“ Good message today pastor, but did you get a chance to hear

Joel Osteen on tv last night? Now THAT boy can preach!”

You can imagine that feedback put the joy of Jesus in me.

Today is Mastering Mondays where we tackle an issue that could make a substantial difference in the way you lead and love others.

Whether you’re coaching your staff, a volunteer team or making constructive comments to a friend or family member here are eight things I try to keep in mind when it comes to offering feedback. 

1) Check the clock: Is this the best time for this person or group to hear your observations? You may have some really great thoughts to offer but if the timing is off they won’t hear a thing you have to say.

What’s the best time for this person?

2) Take your temperature: Avoid giving feedback when you’re angry. There’s no way you can come across objective or communicate in a tone that will be helpful or memorable. Cool down first. Wait at least 24 hrs if you’re feeling hot under the collar.

And, whatever you do, don’t fire off a terse email. (That has always come back to bite me.)

 3) Know their personality style(s). The more you understand what drives and motivates the person you’re trying to advise the better connection they will make with your comments. Each personality style reacts in a unique way to criticism.

Some thrive on it. Some can only see it as a full on personal attack. When you know their Enneagram Personality Style you are better equipped to tailor your approach in a way that will be the most beneficial and effective. 

(*Do you know the nine unique Enneagram styles?  Click here for more information about bringing our” LiveTrue Personality & Relational Styles Workshop” to your office or group.) 

4) Question your motive. Why is giving feedback at this time to this person so important to you? Maybe it’s part of your job description or you may realize you have another agenda.

5) Who is the best person to give this feedback? Maybe it’s you. Maybe there is someone else who is better situated or suited to comment on the situation. Be open to the thought that you aren’t the best person for the job. Are you seen as the person in authority to offer this feedback?

6) Who’s asking? Unless it’s a scheduled job performance review, or the person has asked for your comments, hold your tongue.  Uninvited negative feedback is asking for conflict and friction.

7) Know yourself. If you are easily offended by criticism you may soft pedal what really needs to be said to someone. On the other hand, if you are generally insensitive to criticism you may be oblivious to how your direct delivery is crushing the person you are trying to help.

Get a good handle on how you receive feedback and adjust your approach to compensate for

your strengths and weaknesses in empathy for your listener.  

8) Go in asking questions. Before bringing in your comments, suggestions or expert, sage advice ask questions like:

* How do you think you’re doing these days? On a scale of 1-10 where would you put your attitude, performance, teamwork, etc?

* What do you like most about what you do here?

* Where have you felt most supported? Where could you use more support?

* Who do you best relate to on our staff and why?

* What improvements would you like to suggest for me &/or our team that would make the overall working experience/goal we’re trying to accomplish even better for you?  

There will always be defensiveness and hurt feelings when we offer feedback to some people.

It’s our job as leaders to attempt as much as possible to understand and balance

the need for improvement with the heart of the individual. 

If you could use some “fresh eyes” on your staff or team, business or ministry contact us. We offer three plus decades of experience in leading at every level.  CONTACT US @youlivetrue.com for a FREE CONSULTATION.

You can reach me at [email protected]

***THANKS for SHARING THIS BLOG with someone you think may be interested.